The day before Christmas Eve. Everything was such a mess, but we were all full of laughs the whole time. And the gingerbread tree came out looking very good!

Part of me feels so empty, it feels like something is missing. And something is, isn't it? He is missing because now he is hers. I feel like this always happens to me. After a year of an amazing relationship; its just over. After days on end of talking 24/7 everything's different. You were more than just the guy, you were my best friend, you were there for me through my diagnosis, you never left until now. Now you are gone. All I want to do is cry because now your hers & I miss you. I hate when people say I guess it just wasn't meant to be but I thought we would be different.I guess you wanted her more.

All the words unspoken
Promises broken
I cried for so long.
Wasted too much time
Should have seen the signs.
Now I know, just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

My heart was open
Exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
But in the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still I tried, to change your mind.

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I have no idea what you expect from me anymore and I done trying to figure it out. What's done is done, it's over.

My life at the moment. Lots of books & studying!

I'm a hot mess. Comfy clothes, messy hair and a ton of books surrounding me. Tv on in the background and my i-tunes blasting music from my computer. All while finishing final projects, papers and studying for finals. I'm almost done for the semester! I can honestly say I'm really proud of myself for making it through the semester.

I say I'm fine but usually I'm really not...

I got this card in the mail yesterday for my birthday. All I want to do is cry. Last year I celebrated my last birthday that I will have without knowing about my MS.

I don't want it to define me but these little things keep popping up. Like the really bad episode I had, then this birthday card and I can't forget the three time weekly injection reminders. I don't want this life.

I'm trying so hard to be positive about all this. I'm trying so hard to find some good but I can't. I can't stop wondering what the rest of my life is going to be like.

And I might be okay
But I'm not fine at all

Taylor Swift- All Too Well

I really didn't think this was going to be so hard. I don't think I've ever hated life as much as I do right now. I'm trying so hard to stay strong  but its not as easy as one would think. It's like my world has been turned upside down and when I flipped it back nothing was like it used to be. I have to do everything so differently, nothing is the same as it used to be.

What do you do when nothing is like it used to be? What do you do when you don't feel like doing anything that you used to do? Sometimes I feel as though something is wrong with me.

I'm absolutely hating my life. I feel so sick, this is getting so old. I called MS-lifelines and talked to a nurse about it. She said that right now is the worst and hardest time that I will ever go through and that it will probably last for a little while because it's just starting. I'm thinking just great. So this has the possibility to continue for a while. She said being active helps. I'm not sure how more active I can be. I'm tired and achy. I really just want to feel okay and I really want to be able to get my homework done.

I seem to wonder a lot why this is happening to me. I wish so bad that I didn't have MS. But I'm beginning to think that your life is written from the beginning and there's no changing it. So this must be my destiny. It's still frustrating, I can try to be as positive as I can but at the end of the day this still really sucks.

I hate that I have days where I just don't seem to care anymore. I used to be so driven, so inspired heading toward this goal that seemed to have endless possibilities. That goal being my future. But now I'm taking things day by day. I'm just trying to survive the day to make it to the next. Things don't seem so inspiring anymore. I used to want to do my homework. It's just so frustrating to look back and think about how I used to be and how much I used to care. But now I just feel sick all the time and I don't have the energy to do anything.

I hate that I have days where I feel absolutely fine and then the next I feel like completely horrible. It's like my body is playing a trick on me. It's even harder not being able to do anything about it. Because there's not much I can take to make my body feel okay.

I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. Sometimes I wonder, where everything went so wrong. I always did everything I was told, I followed the rules made by my parents and my teachers. I did my homework, I studied, I did volunteer work. I just don't understand this is so unfair.

I'm trying so hard to be okay with my diagnosis but I really can't. I tried so hard to be okay with the injections but I can't. Pushing the button to give myself the injection just gets harder and harder each time. This is not fair. Sometimes I wonder if not knowing maybe easier, somewhat less painful. But somehow I'm not sure it would.

So I made this blog post at the beginning of the summer. It's now September. I can honestly say that the only thing I have accomplished on this very short list was reading as many books as I can. I haven't tallied up all the books I read but it was at least 25. I'm disappointed that I was unable to complete more of these things.

So I decided I wanted to do something a little different. At the start of each New Year, people makes lists of resolutions and goals for themselves that never get completed. Okay so maybe not never but most of the list will not be completed, they will start off doing one or two things and then it will be forgotten.

I decided I wanted to have some goals for the Summer but nothing crazy of course. Here they are:

1. Have as much fun with my aunts as I can
2. Read as many books as I can
3. Try something new
4. Try to update my stories more on Fanfiction

That's all I can think of for now, may be I'll add some more later.

So true. Life with injectable medication.

Dear Body,

If you would let me feel good during the week, I would be totally fine with you making me feel crappy on the weekends. I just really need to concentrate and be able to do my school work.

Thanks

How do you tell your child who was just diagnosed with an illness that she will have for the rest of her life to deal with it herself? How do you tell her to grow up and start taking responsibility for her life? Especially when she already has, about five years ago when this first began. Better yet how do you explain getting mad about where she has her training done for the injection because you want to me there to learn how to do the injection. Only you just end up sitting back, not even trying and deciding that you could never do that. I get that you are scared, but your twenty-one year old daughter is now injecting herself three times a week. After all that how do you expect to be involved but only when it is convenient for you? These are the unspoken yet written questions that float through my mind.

Do you ever feel like you are living a lie? Like your life has become a lie? That's how I am feeling. It's like suddenly everything has changed and I'm hiding everything that has to do with my health. It sucks. I have MS...it's not like I'm dying. But what I want to do on certain nights (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) seems to revolve around a little injection called Rebif. Hopefully, it will do it's job and slow down the progress of my MS. So this lie I'm living will be worth it. Because no one but myself, my parents, my two aunts, my doctors, and a few close friends know about the MS and the injections. Sometimes I wish this could be out in the open but then I realize it's probably a lot better that it is hidden away in a dark corner.

So everyone has that one outfit that they feel confident and comfortable in. Well this is mine. It just something simple, skinny jeans and a grey tank with a leopard one thrown over it. I don't know why but I'm comfortable in this, no clue why. But I feel good in this.

Today is another doctor's appointment. I feel like my whole summer has been doctor's appointments. It's just one after another. I feel like this may never end. I'm sick of all the different doctors and appointment. I'm sick of not feeling like myself. Not being able to form sentences forgetting words. My head feels like it's just in one big fog. Nothing feels clear anymore, I want my life back.

So it's not that things weren't real before...it's just that they have become more real. I just want to disappear...I don't want to deal with this. Is that selfish? Cause I'm not sure anymore...I'm not sure of anything.

All I keep thinking is why me? I can't handle all of this right now. I'm so tired of being strong and holding it all together. I'm tired of doing it all on my own. I know people say you have to be independent, don't rely on your parents. But I'm getting no support at all. I've finally found a doctor, I'm just really hoping this all works out. I need this all to work out. I can't do this again, I just can't.

Hi Wendy,

I'm just so done trying. I never asked for their help, I don't want it. Especially if they are going to make me feel bad about it. So I'm taking care of everything, I'm "taking responsibility for my life" since my mom says I'm immature and irresponsible. I can't stand it, she makes me feel so bad about myself. I am responsible, I take care of everything doctor's appointments, finding doctor's appointments, taking care of my medication.

I had to come home yesterday because I have an appointment with a neuropsychologist. I can't wait to go back to my aunt's house. Coming home is always the hardest part. I thought maybe, just maybe they would go easier on me since my diagnosis but I was wrong. It's not that I want special treatment or anything, it's just hard sometimes. Not that it hasn't always been hard. It's just that I'm more emotional about stuff. I'm doing it all on my own, I kind of wish they were there to help but at the same time I don't. I don't want to depend on them for anything. So as much as I think it may be nice to have their support, I don't want their criticism.

I had my appointment with the neuropsychologist yesterday and now I'm looking for a new one. I can't handle this all on my own. I'm trying to do this alone but it's so hard. Trying to find certain specialists that take my insurance is so much harder than I thought it would be. I ask my parents questions about my insurance but my mom just gets frustrated with me and yells. I can't help it if I don't know something and need to. Honestly, I'm only 21 years old and I don't want to be dealing with this stuff. I want a normal life, I want to go out and go clubbing or something. I want to be making phone calls to anywhere but doctor's offices to see if they take my insurance and cover neurological testing. I want to be doing anything but this. I can't handle it on my own. I broke down today, it's just too much.

I hate crying because it always makes me feel weak but maybe I need this. Maybe I just need a really good cry. I just don't know anymore and I'm not sure I care.

I wish so bad that I could just push these feelings aside. That I could pretend like nothing is wrong but i cant keep doing it. I cant keep pretending, its time to face reality. I just don't know if I can hold this all together anymore.

Thanks for listening again you always do.

Jess

I think it's a little ridiculous that I have to watch what I say around my mom. She's not sick, I am. But I don't see her watching what she says. She only thinks about herself and her own feelings. I'm done. They act like this isn't bothering me but it is more than they know. Because god forbid I upset her. She can't face the truth, so she hides from it and makes everyone else hid it from her. I just can't do this anymore.

I'm the type of girl who will fall for a guy she barely
knows; who will listen to a love song & see his face; who
will look for him wherever she goes. I’m the type of girl who
doesn't get over things easily; who will beat herself up when
someone doesn't love her back; who will cry herself to sleep because
she feels she's not good enough. But I’m also the type of girl who's
strong; who can cry her eyes out then forbid them to come back the
next morning; who will blast some old pop song & sing at the top of her
lungs cause she feels like it; who will be no one but herself.

Hi Wendy,

So I got the information for my injections on Friday. I just really want to get it started so I can get it over with. Friday was also one month since I was diagnosed.

We aren't telling my grandparents about it because he doesn't want them worrying. But for some reason they still know about my doctors appointments. It makes me so mad because all my grandma keeps saying is "you're fine its just stress". I just want to scream and yell "its not stress its ms!!" But I cant, so I just sit back and keep my mouth shut.

Ive been thinking about doing something different, trying to be a normal teenager. But then i think about it and I'm not a teenager I'm an adult. Anyway i was thinking about doing something that would be just for me like getting my belly button pierced or a small tattoo. But the more i keep thinking about it, i feel like I'm rushing into this. I don't want to do something just because I'm upset. I'm trying to justify me getting either of those things. But I'm the only one questioning it, my aunts are all for it. They say i need to do something crazy for once and just not think about it. But i don't know if i can. 

I think that's all for now. Thanks again for listening you always do.

Jess

So in love with this dress.

That moment when you see your referral and under the reason it no longer says "numbness, tingly sensations" because it has been replaced with "multiple sclerosis". It's that moment when things hit you hard again. That realization that this is not a bad dream.

Hi Wendy,

I hate this. It's official I have MS. Everyone's treading so lightly around me like I may break. My mom is actually being nice which kind of hurts, ironically enough. Things are changing so fast, I really wish this wasn't happening. I wish it would just go away. I keep thinking if only I could have just kept pushing all my symptoms away, I wouldn't be in this place where I am now. I'm hating life. I'm definitely not looking forward to the injections I'm going to have to take.

I've been to a specialist who has confirmed that I have MS. My right arm is also weaker than my left due to the flare up I had. Oh did I tell you that I've had MS for at least 5 years now. Yup, doctor confirmed that too. I failed my memory test, which means I have to go see yet another specialist that deals with cognitive issues. That might be interesting, I guess I'll see.

I'm trying really hard to hold it together and put on a smile. But parts of me just want to break down and sometimes I do. When the realization hits me that its true and it's not some dream. That's when it gets me the most.  It's a big change bigger than I thought it would be anyway. I mean I've known this was always a possibility but somehow I didn't think it would ever really happen. I guess. I'm trying to be positive but that doesn't always work.

I just really wish people could be real with me. I'm so sick of everyone's" oh it could be worse" or "you're going to be fine" speeches. It's kind of like everyone just wants me to be okay with this but I can't, I need time. I really don't want to talk to my mom about it, she's still got that "you're going to be fine, don't worry about it" attitude. But how do you not worry about something that's happening to you. And she's still lying and hiding stuff, no surprise there really.

My friends, well let's just say I can't really handle them right now. They complain about the stupidest stuff. I wish I had their problems. Their stupid little problems. I feel like this is so unfair. I really wish my biggest problem was not getting an invite to a party or getting drunk and not remembering. Or any of the other stuff things they are worrying back. If I could go back, I wouldn't complain so much about the small stuff.

Oh and I kind of met someone, online but still it's something. I'm not sure if it will go anywhere but for the first time in a while I feel completely at ease and comfortable with a guy. It's too bad he's five hours away, we are going to try and meet up. Hopefully that will happen. But he's sweet and he makes me smile. I can't stop thinking about him and I feel like we are at very similar places in our lives. It's just very comfortable and I'm happy with that.

Some days I wake up and wish this would all just go away. I don't want to have to be mature. I want to be a kid. I want to be stupid, immature and make some bad decisions. I want to be able to stay up till four in the morning doing whatever but my body won't let me. I just want my old self back. The person I was five years ago before this all started.

That's all for now. Thanks for listening you always do.

Jess.

These were three really good days. They left me with great memories. It's kind of sad looking back at them. I just really need to have some crazy stupid fun.

Dear MS,

I'm just realizing how screwed up this all is. I look fine to everyone but I have this secret that I'm keeping from the world. That is that I'm suffering from you, good old Multiple Sclerosis. Because of you I look fine on the outside while body is attacking itself on the inside. So far I've only been to two doctors but I'm pretty sure there's going to be more because of you. I've seen a neurologist and an MS specialist. I'm going to have to see a neurologist that specializes in cognitive issues because I failed my memory test. Because of you I will have to give myself injections. This all just really sucks.

Sincerely,
Jess

Pool daaays & Hot Tub Nights.

These Lyrics Pulled Me In...

You wake up from your dreamin' and you don't want to face the day
You can't find a reason to think your world will ever change
You can hide beneath the covers
Or you can run outside, head up high and carry on

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
To shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground
It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Ride by Martina McBride

Thoughts from the Heart

I'm so sick of all of this. The lies, the fakeness, the fake smiles, and the lines of everything's going to be okay. Cause everything's not going to be okay. So stop lying to me because you're trying to protect me. All you're doing is hurting me. The sudden shock of finding out that you've been going to seminars and stuff for MS behind my back only makes it worse. Specially since it was during an appointment with my specialist. There's no reason to hide it from me. This is my future after all. I just want people to be upfront with me. Be honest. Don't lie or hide things from me. It only makes things seem worse then they are.

I'm so sick of people telling me that things could so much worse. To me things are pretty much as bad as they are going to get. Seriously, I understand that there are bad things out there in the world like cancer and other terminal illnesses. I understand that MS is not one of them but this is a whole switch up in my life. It's like a sudden change the batting line up. All I've ever wanted was to have a normal life. But I've been dealing with this since I was 16 so I never really got that and now I have to strong. I've always been strong, I need time to be able to break down and not be so strong. I need to be able to get upset about this. People are telling me that this isn't the end of the world. I also understand that. It's just that I'm only 21. I just feel like there is so much I haven't done. It makes me so upset.

Would it really be so wrong for me to be upset about this?

I never wanted things to change, that was my biggest fear. It makes me so mad that my Mom is treating me differently. She just needs to stop. There are no words.

This diagnosis has made me realize everything I've missed out on during the five year process. Things like high school dances, junior prom, friends, dating and boyfriends. Ive been on one date and I've never had a boyfriend. I thought there would be time when this was all over and everything came out fine but everything wasn't fine. I feel like I've missed out on so much and time is just slowly slipping away from me. Id give anything to get that back, because those memories cant be recreated or replaced you only have one chance I lost that chance.

That moment where for the first time in the past five years, when the secretary asks whats the reason for the appointment and you admit to someone, "I have MS". Its a quick change but one you didn't expect. You've gone from saying my doctor thinks I have MS to I have Ms. Things are starting to sink in...

I feel like a horrible friend but my sympathy is running very thin. I'm pulling  away because I'm jealous of your stupid little problems. I wish my biggest problems were with not getting invited to a party or because a guy didn't like me. Or even because someone didn't text me back. Seriously, I'd kill for that.

Because right now I'm dealing with trying to find specialists and picking out how many times a week I want to take injections. I'm going to have to learn how to stab myself to give myself medicine. So I'm sorry if I can't handle your problems because they seem so stupid to me.

Okay so here goes nothing. I cannot stand when people who have no idea what I am going through and do not understand at all tell me that everything is going to be fine or alright. I'm sorry but in what world is your definition of fine or alright does it say that a 21 year old being diagnosed with MS and having to give herself injections is fine or alright. Because honestly it does not sound fine to me at all. I get that there's nothing I can do to change the situation I am in and I'm trying so hard to be okay with it. But it's going to take some time. I know I've had 5 years to get used to the idea but getting used to the idea and actually receiving a diagnosis are two totally different things.

Another thing, if you're going to lie to people about my condition then just tell them I'm fine. Don't make up this, that and the other thing because I can't keep track of it and then it makes me look like I'm lying. I don't like having to remember a thousand different stories and changes every time I go to the doctor. I mean you are already lying to begin with just tell them I'm fine and call it a day, it's not like you are ever going to tell them the truth anyway. It's just so frustrating.

This whole thing just really sucks.

I have Multiple Sclerosis or MS. I kind of thought that maybe my neurologist would be wrong but my spinal tap came out positive for some protein that I guess helps to diagnose MS. This kind of sucks. I feel like I'm too young for this to be happening.  I don't even know what else to say, I think I'm still in shock.

Summer Goals

So I decided I wanted to do something a little different. At the start of each New Year, people makes lists of resolutions and goals for themselves that never get completed. Okay so maybe not never but most of the list will not be completed, they will start off doing one or two things and then it will be forgotten.

I decided I wanted to have some goals for the Summer but nothing crazy of course. Here they are:

1. Have as much fun with my aunts as I can
2. Read as many books as I can
3. Try something new
4. Try to update my stories more on Fanfiction

That's all I can think of for now, may be I'll add some more later.

Wow, weird thing just happened I almost went to vent on a site I've been on since I was like thirteen maybe young. It's some magazine site with boards. Anyway, I'm typing up my post and I was trying to figure out how to spell Google, was it two o's or two g's. So I go into my account and look and I've already posted about what I was typing the new post about.

Can you say wow my memory is bad?? Cause I can! I seriously don't even remember writing or posting the post either..so weird. Wednesday can't come fast enough.

Today started out really bad but then I curled my hair, and it worked! Love curly hair!

What happens when the things you didn't think would ever happen become a reality? What happens when you think your spinal tap results would all be negative, at least that's what you kept telling yourself. But reality is something came out positive. You're not exactly sure what but you will be finding out soon.

June 6th. That's the day, where all the unknown aspects of your life will become known. That's when things become a reality.

So I've tried the whole keep my mouth shut and not complaining thing but it kind of sucks. Especially when everyone in your life has problems and they think their problems are so bad that the world is going to end. They brush mine off like it's no big deal. They have the attitude of oh so what you forget things, everyone forgets things, everyone's clumsy, so you have bad balance and oh your face is numb it's just pins and needles.

But it's not that everyone forgets things, clumsiness, bad balance, or numbness (or as everyone in my life likes to refer to it---its just pins and needles). It's a bit more serious then everyone thinks. It's not just this or that, it's everything. I only wish I had the stupid problems my friends or family have. I wish I could just throw on a knee brace and my injury or the pain would go away, because it's things like that, that my friends complain about. Okay, so you hurt your knee I would kill to have that as my biggest problem. Because honestly that can be fixed, throw a brace on, go to the doctor see what's wrong with it.

I can't put on a brace or take magic drugs to make my memory come back, to make my balance better or to even get rid of the numbness. I wish I could but I can't. So I'm sorry if I've run out of sympathy but some people have it so easy. If I could have their life I would try not to complain about the small stuff, I would be happy just to be in different shoes.

Just a little something, I've been working on in Photoshop. I wanted something to represent and remind myself of the qualities I want to keep in my life. The qualities that I admire in others, that I want to have.

Yesterday was one of my good days, aside from the fact that I was still battling off my headache from my latest spinal tap (lumbar puncture). But it was still a good day. I "met" someone who really understands. Someone who really gets everything I'm going through. Someone I can relate to. It's just a really amazing feeling knowing that you aren't alone out there in the world. That there's someone you can talk with, who happens to be going through very similar things. Someone that doesn't think you are crazy, lying or making things up because they do understand.

I joined MSWorld a few months ago, when I found out that my neurologist was seriously looking into MS. Yesterday, I really clicked with someone. I'm just happy to have found a new friend in her and that we can be there for each other. It's just a really good feeling.

The Unenviable Question

So because of everything that is going on, I go for a lot of medical tests. The one question other then the main ones of why are you having this test done and what symptoms do you have seems to be one that has to be ask several times before the person asking will believe your answer.

   "Is there any chance at all that you are pregnant?"

It makes me want to laugh every time. Because the truth is the answer is always going to be the same. No. But then they ask, are you positive that there is no chance at all, not even the slightest chance that you could be? I say No again. They ask once more and again I say No.

Every time they ask me that extra time after I have given the initial No what I really want to say is, "Not unless I'm the new virgin Mary."

Honestly because when you have spent as much time as I have dealing with doctors and tests and stuff along those lines instead of the normal teenager stuff being asked if there's a chance if you are pregnant is pretty fun.

Sometimes I want to say, I haven't had the chance  to get pregnant or No, there's definitely no chance that I'm pregnant because I'm a virgin. I want to explain to them and be like, "See when you've been seeing doctor's since you were sixteen like I have for possibly having MS, the furthest thing from your mind is dating and even further from your mind is having sex. So yes I'm positive that I'm not pregnant because I've never even dated. But if for some reason I am wrong and I am pregnant, you'll be the first to know that you have treated a girl who had a baby by immaculate conception.

It's just something I think about a lot and always think about. Should I just answer it with a No or should I lay it all out on the table for them? In case you are wondering, I always just say No...I've never laid it all out on the table for them.

Over the Years

So I got bored and decided to make a collage of picture of myself from over the years. This is a span of four years. From my senior year of high school to current. It's interesting just to look back and see how you have changed.

Here goes nothing...

 So it doesn't look like I'm getting out of having the Spinal Tap (Lumbar Puncture), not that I thought I would. So it's time to put on a brave face and do my best. Here goes nothing...

I know I may look tough and act strong. But the truth is I'm scared half to death and I'm not ready for tomorrow.

Quote of the Day

Sometimes things aren't as easy as solving for x. Sometimes you can't just add or subtract something to make everything right.

                                               -Me

Where's your truth?

If you asked me where I thought I'd at 21, where I am now would not be it. I thought my life would be so much different then it is now. I thought I would have had at least a couple boyfriends by now. I thought that I would be going out, staying out late, doing things that normal teenagers do. I thought I would be worrying about college and my career. I thought I would be worrying about my hair, and if this top goes with those bottoms. I thought I would be having my heart broken and breaking a few hearts. I thought I would be going out to bars celebrating that I'm 21 by having a few drinks. But the truth is I'm nowhere near there.

The truth is at the age of 21, I've never had a boyfriend. I'm not going out with friends and staying out late. I'm not doing normal things that teenagers do like going to clubs, concerts, and other things along those lines. I'm not worrying about college and my career as much as I thought I would. I'm not worrying about having perfectly straight hair or perfect waves or perfect bouncy curls. I'm not worrying about makeup or clothes. I've never really had my heartbroken because how can you have your heartbroken by someone you were crazy about but didn't know. And I definitely have not been breaking any hearts. I'm certainly not going out to bars drinking with friends.

The truth is at the age of 21, I've spent more time worrying about doctor's appointments and medical tests than boys and friends. The truth is the things I thought I'd be doing I know very little about. The truth is I know more about doctor's and different medical tests than most people my age. The truth is I used to be okay with all of that.

But now the truth is I'm not. I'm going for my second spinal tap or lumbar puncture tomorrow. I thought I was okay with it. But now I find myself, wanting to get out of it. I've been crying myself to sleep the past few nights just thinking about the spinal tap. I'm so  scared. I'm scared to death that something is going to go wrong. But more than that I think I'm scared to see what the results are going to say. The truth is I thought I was ready for all of this but I'm not. Honestly, what 21 year old could be okay and ready for all of this?

Motions

Do you ever find yourself at the end of the day, not really knowing how you got there or what you did? Those are what my days have been like lately for the last few months. It's like my body is just going through the daily routine I set up for myself. I do what I have to and at the end of the day, it's just another end. I feel like I never really lived during the day. I just went through the motions.

I'm about to be a senior in college. Although I won't be graduating next year because I have to go an extra year, it doesn't feel like I've been in college for three years already. I barely remember being in high school for the allotted four years and graduating from there. It was all just time that pasted, just like these last few months. It was just time passing, never living just passing.

I saw this on a friend's status and I really liked it.

Hard to explain to someone who has no clue. Or doesn't believe you. It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (Pancreatitis, Crohns / Colitis, PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, LUPUS, Fibromyalgia, MS, ME, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Epilepsy, Autism, M.D. Evans Syndrome etc.) Never judge what you don't understand.

There are times I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face ready to face the day. There are others where I wake up and just want to go to back to bed. I have my good days and my bad days. Lately more bad than good. This whole diagnosis process, seems to be the longest thing that has ever happened in my life. I just want answers, I want this to change. This is all just becoming a lot to handle. I felt so prepared but now I just don't even know, this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. You can prepared yourself all you want but when it's right there in your face all that preparation seems to disappear. You're left in a cloud of confusion and this feeling of nothingness. I keep thinking I'm only 21, I have so much left to do and I have so much that I have yet to do. Things like dating and boyfriends, things like really living. I know that MS is not a death sentence and I know that I haven't been officially diagnosed. But I can't help but thing why me and then I feel bad because why anyone.

No one asks for this, no one wants this. I get jealous of the people I know, that weren't diagnosed till later in life. Same symptoms, same issues. It hurts because they didn't have the problems I had until they were much older. Maybe it's silly, maybe its selfish. But sometimes I just wish these symptoms hadn't showed up until after college, after I found the love of my life (if I have a love of my life) and until after I had kids. I just don't know if I'm ready to accept this.

Isn't sad when you get hurt so much or when certain things happen, you can finally say "I'm used to it".

Does Life Ever Get Any Easier?

There are times at which I would like to believe that life does get easier. Sadly I know the truth, life never really does get easier. At least for me it hasn't. People never grow up, they just don't care. I wish I could say that life gets easier with time..but I don't like to lie and I don't want to tell a lie..

I really wish you would act like an adult for once. I understand that things are hard. I understand that you were an alcoholic and you overcame that. But enough is enough. You need to grow up and start acting like an adult. Stop playing these games and start doing something.

People are always telling me not to worry and to not think about it. But how can you not think or worry about something when it's right in front of you. I don't like change, I need structure. But at the moment it's like my whole world is falling apart.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.

When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or you can let it strengthen you.

A Splash of Color!

So I decided to try something new with my nails. Color block nails, I saw on the blog OH SO PRETTY the DIARIES. I picked light pink, dark pink & black. I love them, so cute!

 

I Want to Find a Love Like That

A love like Meredith and Derek’s. She was so willing to die for him, her sister, and Dr. Weber. I want to find a love like that but I don’t think a love like that really exists. It’s just a fairy tale love that writers dreamed up for people like me to believe in. It’s just a show..just a story but it’s so believable. Only it really is just a fairytale love, I wish a love like that really existed. To be so in love like that, that you would do anything for the other person. To be so in love that nothing else in the world mattered. To be so in love that you would give your life just to save the life of the person you loved. But it’s all just a fairy tale. Like Beauty and the Beast & Jasmine and Aladdin. They are all fairy tales dreamed up but writers for young children and people like me to believed in. If only life could be a fairytale..

Let’s Talk About Dating…

Dating. By definition, dating is the process of going out for (first) dates with someone, its the time when you get to know each other. It’s also usually the time where you see that person for the first and last time. People whether they be guys or girls get overly excited about the person they are “talking” to or about to meet. This “excitement” can be seen by the other person, so in turn they get excited. Well this usually just ends in let downs, on one side or another. In the process of dating, everyone is always frustrated because no one knows where he or she stands. Are we dating? Are we not? Are we “together” or are we “talking” and seeing other people? Or the most asked and thought about question of all time. Are we more than just friends? All these questions arise but who wants to ask? No one. Why? Because who wants to seem like a pain or better yet who wants to get rejected. And it doesn’t get any less frustrating either, it only gets worse as you get older. It’s hard whether your thirteen, twenty-five, or forty-two, it never gets any easier.

Dating should be a fun time in life. Instead, its a time full of stomach aches and late nights waiting up for that “person” to text or call you back. The worst part of dating is finding that one person you think you connect with, that you are really interesting in and learning that they don’t feel the same way about you. So you strike out. And have to start all over again but who wants to do that? Who wants to keep setting themselves up so disappointment, when its so much easier to just sit back and wait for someone to find you. At the end of the day, dating is just a lot of disappointments and broken hearts. Dating is never going to get any simpler, so I guess its time to dive in and embrace it. Do think you are ready to take the chance?

Non-existent?

There's this difference in the way I imagined my life, the way I see my life and the way it's going. Maybe this life I imagined is too wrapped up in fairy tale movies. Maybe I'm blinded by and can't see past the happy ever afters that don't exist. I imagined too much for myself. Things that probably don't ever exist in real life, things that just exist in movies for romantics like me. I know that a guy isn't going to just come in and sweep me off my feet but it's nice to think about..isn't it? I just sit here in my room and wonder where I went wrong with my life. Relationships that finished to early or never really began. Years and experiences that were missed out on. I often wonder if I'm really seeing things that are there or am I just making them up in my head? Like does he really like me, or is he just being friendly and super flirty? I just don't even know anymore. But what I do know is that the way my life is going is not the way I imagined it. I guess I'm just along for the ride now.

Life Moments

I've always known that life is not fair. I've tried not to complain about it because it's life and I know that everything doesn't always go the way you want it to. But my life was never really fair or easy for that matter. There has always been bumps and swerves in the road, it was never a straight and clear path. After 2 years of testing followed by 3 years of thinking I might be in the clear, I found out that I most likely have MS. I've prepared for this moment, I've been ready for this moment. But I'm not ready and I'm not prepared. I don't want this, but no one really wants this. I'm only 21, my life has barely started and I feel like it's about to end. I just want a chance at a normal life, this isn't fair.

Everyone envisions their life going a certain way. Leaving an impact on the world. Doing certain things by a certain age. Being mature and responsible. No one envisions the bad and what could go wrong. Because why would you unless it came to a time when you had to? I played by the rules, no boyfriends, no dating, no sex. I focused on school, my grades and extracurricular activities. The same in college. Now I sit after playing by the rules for so many years wondering where I went wrong and why this is happening to me..

Just let her make her own mistakes.

Is this really my normal?

I'm not totally upset with the fact that I most likely have MS. It's the fact that at the age of 21, I am so comfortable with the idea of having an MRI done or having to have a spinal tap. I don't get upset over these things like most people would.

Boys, they scare me. I should be familiar with boys but I'm not. Instead I'm familiar with medical tests and things of that nature. I could have written a play book on tests. But I'm so clueless when it comes to guys. I want a different normal.

My normal isn't boys and tanning like most of my friends. My normal is doctors and medical tests. I don't want that to be my life.

I'm 21 and there are so many things I would have thought I would have done by now. I thought by now I would have had at least a few boyfriends, maybe even a long term boyfriend. That's what upsets me.

It's what doesn't upset me that scares me.

I saw my neurologist Wednesday. My blood work came back fine negative for lupus and lymes. My MRI was abnormal which I knew.

My doctor is looking at MS and basically said that's what it is. I have 2 of the 4 criteria (3 are needed to make the diagnosis). Combined with my neurological symptoms and my first neurological episode/attack. He said it definitely looks like MS. He is sending me for an MRI of my C spine to see if there are any abnormalities because that would be 3 and give the diagnosis. He is also sending me for memory testing and possibly a spinal tap.

It's weird because I was so prepared for him to tell me that its MS I thought I would be fine. There's such a difference between preparing yourself and actually being told you fit half the criteria with only one MRI. I'm scared and not sure if I'm going to be able to handle the actual diagnosis once it's set in stone.

Sometimes there are things in life you don't want to happen, but you have to except it. There are things you don't want to know, but you have to learn.You have to learn to face it and go with it.

Part of me can't wait for Wednesday. Part of me doesn't want it to be Wednesday. Part of me just wants a diagnosis and the other part doesn't know. But I think its worse not knowing then finally having answers.

Runts make a bad day good.

Sometimes when we let things go or put things down they are not meant to be taken back in or picked back up..

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering

"She'll fight and push herself to the limit and tell herself everything's fine even though her eyes tell you otherwise"

Today I'm going for an MRI of my brain... My doctor said he wanted a follow up from the one I had four years ago because the ones all those years ago were concerning to him; whatever that means. A week from today I have an appointment with my neurologist to get the results. I feel anxious but I'm not sure if it because after today is the waiting part or that I might actually have some answers.. Answers would be good it's just what if I don't want to hear them. I guess we'll see.

i'm just so done with everyone

i just can't seem to do anything right these days. not with my family and certainly not with my friends. im so done.

Everyone always asks me what my major is. I tell them Math but before I get to tell them Education as well, they ask me what I want to do with Math. I tell them I want to be a Math teacher. I always get the same look, followed by the same response. There is no money in teaching, why not be an actuary or do something in finance. You could be a lawyer or doctor, where you can make a lot of money. But what they don't understand is I'm not going into teaching for the money. I'm going into it to make a difference, to inspire children, to make children want to learn.

Friday nights. Homework & Milkshakes. The sense of feeling some what accomplished. ohhh, friday nights.

One of My Many Loves...

The sights and smells. The hustle and bustle. The honking and screaming. The historical places and the celebrity known places. Times Square. Fashion Ave. New York Public Library. Central Park. The Subways. I love the city. Everything it is and will always be. Everything it has to offer. It never ceases to amaze me.

Just once I wanna be that girl...

What I hate the most in the world is that I can't be honest with you without you getting mad at me. You just don't listen, it has to be your way or nothing. You think I'm doing stuff just to spite you but the truth is I just want a voice in this. It's my life, they should be my decisions. But for some reason they aren't. You make them seem like they are but they aren't because you just push me into it and give give me a ultimatum. I'm just tired of it. I'm drained. I'm not going to winning, so I'm done fighting.

Making a Decision

It may seem like a stupid decision to most people but it's a big decision for me.

I promised myself almost 8 years ago that I would never drink because my mom was an alcoholic. I watched her rip my family apart and her struggle with alcohol. Her battle with staying sober or picking up the bottle again.

Well I'm 21 now, I have been since November. I have still yet to drink. I kind of want to but I have these thoughts in my head how being an alcoholic is in my genetics. When I think about drinking my mind plays back all the times she was drunk and I watched.

So I'm going to my friend's party tonight and I told her I'd pick up some stuff for her on the way. Do I wanna pick up something for me too? Probably not.

I wouldn't even know what to get not that, that even matters. But at the same time I'm really not sure I'm ready to drink. Do I just want it because everyone else is doing it?

When Lyrics Seem to Say It All...

These lyrics hit me today and they just describe me..

I always say the right things, at all the right times
I know I'm not the perfect girl, but for some reason I try
To be the one who's smiling and laughing, to make sure everyone's okay
I can push those tears back inside like an actress on the stage
But when the curtains fall away

I scream at the top of my lungs
Yeah, I come undone
I crash my broken glass when no one's around
I cry out In the silence I can take
To cover up the sound it makes when I let my heart break
I scream, I scream

It's parts from Scream by Katie Armiger.
It just describes me and how I'm feeling.
I have this song on repeat.

Just counting the days till I get to see you guys again. Until the three of us are back together causing trouble, going on pointless trips to Stop & Shop and just driving around for the heck of it. Visiting small towns and antique stores with rude snobby owners. Driving down backroads, listening to our mixed CDs, trying to get lost but failing miserably. But it's still all the fun it would be, if we had gotten lost. That's what I live for, looking forward to that gets me through the Spring Semester.

For those few summer months of sun and fun with you guys, it's my escape. Can't wait until I'm back with you guys because the truth is simple. A simple sentence composed of nine simple words.

I can only be me when I'm with you.

Just Wishing

Sometimes I wish I was that girl you seem to see so clearly. The horrible, disrespectful, disobedient, and ungrateful person that you see me as. Sometimes I wish so badly that I could just go out, drink a ton of tequila, and get wasted. But once again that voice in my head stops me because I promised myself I wouldn't turn into you. Although I don't think your poison of choice was tequila. So I wouldn't be exactly like you. But you did like to turn to the bottle when things got rough.

I wish what you said didn't matter so much to me, I really do. I wish I knew how to turn it off. But I can't or at least don't know how. You say the stupidest stuff and have a way of throwing things back in my face that makes me not want to talk to you more. You're a bitch. Plain and simple. You just make me so mad. You think you have the right to criticize me, guess again you don't! Don't talk about my body and how I eat because you don't know. You're never around so how could you. You judge my every move and you wonder why I don't like being home.

I'm looking for a loop hole, wishing for a loop hole, or anything really for that matter. Anything that will get me out of here. I'll take anything at this point it really doesn't matter to me anymore. That's also because of you and probably because of me too. I've let you break me down to nothing. I've let you take my spirit and break it. I looking for something stupid, something for me to grab onto for control. Trying to find anything really, a way out, something for me to control. I just need something to get me through, wishing for a way to get through this.

Somethings Wrong

After three years of a non-stop headache, numbness, dizzyness, what felt like a hundred doctors appointments and medical tests I can't help to feel like something is still wrong. Although the headaches have gone, I still have the occasional one. Sometimes I still have the occasional numbness and dizzyness too. But that's not what worries me. It's the not remembering. It's not being able to do things that have never given me problems before. It's that I say one thing and write another. It's that I go to write the word lesson and that I know how to spell it but stop after less. Not realizing till a few minutes later that I never finished to word. It's that I can't add or multiply simple things quick anymore. I'm tired all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm a planner and a preparer. It's what I do. I google and research. I get background information to prepare myself for what's next. I like having my day planned out and knowing where I am going to be at what time. I like agendas and schedules. I like playing by the book and routines. I don't like change no matter how little or miniscule the change is. I hate that the changed the coloring of my chapstick, it's stupid I know but it's change.

You're in the hospital, there might be something going on with your heart. I'm not sure. I can't talk to anyone about it because your wife doesn't like to talk about it. She just ignores everything. The people I would normal turn to don't know so I can't talk to them either. This whole secrets & lies thing it's not working for me.

So things are kind of at a stand still. I'm not sure where to go from here. What to do, what to say, how to feel. I really just want you to be home and be okay. I hate waiting. It's always the worst part, I should know I've waited a lot. And it's funny how I'm the one that's most used to this. The one that finds stuff like this normal, which is sad. The worst part is that I'm the one that handles these things the best but it hurts me the worst. Your wife is useless when it comes to this. She should be comforting us. She should be the one holding things together, the one being strong. But somehow it's me instead. I wish things were different.

The Stress of My Family is Killing Me

Yesterday my dad calls me at school. Because he got a quote for a transmission for me so the total for the transmission plus labor is $1600. I told him I wasn't ready to get it fixed because I would be spending all my money and have nothing left. He told me that's life and that I was being ungrateful. Then he yelled at me and was like all I do is try and help you and all you do is nix me off. I was like I'm sorry but I'm not ready. So he basically threaten me and said you either make the decision by tonight to get your car fixed or I'm giving it to your brother.

Meanwhile, he calls my aunt to ask her to talk to me and feeds her a completely different story. So she calls me like 7 hours later to talk to me. Meanwhile, this is all happening when I'm on campus. So now I'm upset again, because my dad told her that he got a notice from the town that they were gunna fine us or tow my car if it didn't get registered soon. So now I'm crying for the second time. I go to my last class for the night get home around 9:30. Talk to my dad, get things straightened out. Things seem fine again.

Then a few hours ago, my dad calls the house from work asks my brother to call my mom and ask her to stop at his work on the way home. She stops in and is in a bad mood from work. He tells her that he doesn't feel good, he is dizzy, has dry heaves and pressure on his chest. She blows him off because she had a bad day. So he gets home a little while ago and he's pissed off at her.

I guess he wanted to go to the ER but she was an ass and completely ignored him. Well now he wont go and I'm getting upset because first of all he's sick. Second of all, he has a history of heart problems. But now he's being stubborn because she blew him off. Like seriously, I wish the both of them would grow the f up. Now I'm stressed out because I don't want anything to happen to him because i would die if I was left with my mother and my brother. Because no matter what I do in her eye's I'm always wrong. My brother is perfect. I just really wish he would go. I'm just really upset now and stressed. Ugh, so much for having a productive night of homework. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to deal with this.

The first week is always the hardest. Getting used to being alone again, the constant nagging and yelling. Going from being treated like an adult to being treated like you're five. Going from being someone that you want around to being an inconvenience. The constant nit picking. The realization that hits me everytime that I realize I will never be liek your son, that I will never be good enough and that I will always be a disappointment. That I will never be good enough in your eyes. The fact that no matter if something happens to me it's no big deal but if something happens to him, the world will come to complete stop. You say I have to give a little, I'm giving so much. You're not giving at all. As much as it hurts to say this some times I wish I wasn't here.

Today in my education class, we were asked to think about why we wanted to become teachers and if it was because a teacher or teachers had made an impact in our lives. I realized that not everyone has had the chance to have a teacher that has made a difference or impact in their life. I am so grateful to have had such amazing teachers in my life. I hope that I can follow by the example they gave me and someday be just like them.

Growing up and going through school, especially middle school and high school I didn't worry about the same things most kids did. While most middle schoolers were trying to fit in with the popular crowd and going to their first dances. I was worrying about laundry and making sure no one found out that my mom wasn't really visiting her parents, that she was in rehab for alcohol. In those moments, I decided I was never going to drink. I was not going to end up like her.

High School was similar. While my friends were going to the movies, dances, and the mall. I was going to doctors offices, imaging centers, and hospitals. I sent my time worrying about what test I would need next, instead of which dance was coming up and buying new dresses. I missed out on normal high school activities.

But what is normal really? Did I really miss out on that much? It feels like it, I feel like I lost so many years that I'm never going to get back.

I live through music, the words and lyrics more than often define me and what I'm going through.

My Top Six Songs (atm-in no particular order) are:

1. Get Out of This Town- Carrie Underwood
   Got it all figured out inside of my head
   There's a bag packed up at the foot of my bed
   You say the word, baby I'm all set
   We'll cover our tracks
   Tell a couple white lies
   Make sure we got a good alibi
   And by the time they catch on
   We'll be outta there sight
   Long gone baby
   
   
   
2. Not Your Cinderella- Payton Rae
   I don't know if I believe in love at first sight
   I think it might need just a little more time
   To grow and be real
   
   
   
3. Hide Your Matches - Julianne Hough
     'Cause I could spark like thin white paper wrapped tight 'round some cigarette
   And leave nothing but the smell of smoke and the bitter taste of regret
   Or I could get hot like them coals that turn the water into steam
   And fall down around you like some misty morning
   You better hide your matches boy
   
   
   
4. Reality- Kenny Chesney 
    Reality, yeah, sometimes life
   Ain't all that it's cracked up to be
   So let's take a chance and live this fantasy
   'Cause everybody needs to break free from reality
   
   
   
5. That's Where It Is- Carrie Underwood
   When we feel that rush, that's where it is
   It's a life time filled with tight embraces
   The biggest things in the smallest places
   
   
   
6. Life Is Good- Brittini Black
   

Cooking with my aunt is always a fun time. Homemade pasta and sauce. It's days like these that I love the most. Simple days.

I like cooking. Random car rides to random or even simple places. I have the most fun when I'm with my aunts. That's when I'm truly my happiest. My parents don't listen but someday they will wish they had. My favorite color is blue. I'm a scorpio. If I could go live as an Amish person for a day, week, or any period of time I would. I'm awkward. Dating is not my strong suit. I have an old soul.

"In the midst of our lives, we must find the magic that makes our souls soar."
-Unknown

Something Bigger

A movement of a pen, the stroke of a brush; these things are the start of something new. Maybe even something big. To an artist these movements and strokes could make or break a piece of art. But to those of us that are not artists they mean very little, that is until a movement or stroke changes our lives. Our movements or strokes of life just pile up on top of each other until they become something more. Maybe it's time to start paying attention to the little movements, maybe they will lead somewhere bigger. But somewhere bigger that you want them to go.

You think I would have learned by now. I wish I would have learned by now. But I haven't because for whatever reason I believe in second chances, thirds and fourths. That ends now. Because now I'm just disappointed in you. I didn't want to believe you and the words you spoke. But they were so strong and you said them like you actually meaned them. So I ignored my brain and followed my feelings. And that only left me hurt and disappointed. More in myself then in you but still, it was there. I don't understand how you can say the things you said so freely and meaninglessly. How you can keep things going that are just a charade. Was it just a game to you? See if you can get the girl even if you didn't want her but make her believe you do? I really just want answers but I know I'm not getting them. But what I do know is there won't be a fifth and you've ruined my trust in guys. So thanks for that.

Some Randoms..

My eyes tear all the time because of the change in temperature. Lists make me feel better. I hate being told that I'm just like my mother. I'm nothing like her. I have a passion for photography and love capturing moments. My name is Jess but some know me as Summer. 9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u) means I love you in my language. I love writing whether to get my feelings out or to get lost in another world or story where everything works out in the end, not a lot of people in the field of math can say that. Nine tens out of ten I'm doubting myself. I count my lucky stars that I have had such amazing teachers in my life. One in particular, who has been there for me through thick and thin. I don't think I'd be where I am today without her. Pick-up trucks down an old back road in the middle of summer make me smile. I love french manicures. If I could live anywhere in the world it would be a toss up between New York City and Tennessee, total opposites I know. But it's who I am. My life isn't perfect, neither am I but I not sure I would trade it for anything.