I Can't Just Walk Away

I don't know how to be just his friend. I've said it a thousand times that I just want him to be happy. If I'm not what he wants and what makes him happy then I want him to be with someone who makes him happy. 

But there's only one problem, that's so much easier said than done. I thought I could just be his friend and I would be fine with that. It's harder than it seems. Today he went shopping and sent me pictures of the stuff he was trying on..he wanted my opinion. He wanted to know how he looked in the stuff he picked out. Why me? Why not ask one of the other girls he is friends with? He looked so good in the clothes from the first picture he sent. I joked with him and asked if he had a hot date. I was almost hoping he would have said yes. I mean that would hurt probably a lot but it would make it a tad bit easier. I'll take a tad bit easier over nothing. 

I want to walk away and stop talking to him, but he has done nothing wrong. It's not his fault that I have these feelings that I can't make go away. He has always been there for me and he is truly a great friend. But part of me wants nothing more than to turn around and never look back but I can't just walk away from him. I care too much to do that. I guess that leaves me right where I am, hoping for these feelings to disappear.

There's an Elephant in the ER

It's not a secret that my mom and I dont get along. We've never really seen eye to eye on anything and half the time I'm looking for her to grow up and pull herself together. Last Saturday my dad was admitted into the er for chest pains, tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. It was time for my mom to step up and be an adult which of course didn't happen. I believe my exact words to her were "It's time to put your big girl pants on". She was not to thrilled about that one. I cant remember if she told me to shut up or gave me the glare...but I kind of think it was both.

  As it got later I decided to leave because no one wants me on the road in the dark, I cant see anything.  Anyway thats not the point. My mom stayed with my dad till the doctor came in and then came home. After she left the hospital my dad called to let me know they were moving him out of the ER and onto another floor once they had a room. I relayed the message to my mother when she got home. Her response to me was why? Umm well heck if know, probably because they are keeping him overnight for observation and want him on the cardiovascular floor? But I didn't say that because I mean wouldn't any normal person either 1- come to that conclusion on their own or 2- call their husband? So I responded back with "Because there's an elephant in the ER".

Well I got the you're crazy look from her and she walked away. I smiled to myself and laughed. My counselor suggested I start giving ludicrous responses to the questions I felt were "like really? are you serious?" questions. Instead of getting frustrated and upset, I laughed. It actually felt good minus the fact that my dad was in the hospital. Here's to out of the world responses and trying not to get frustrated and upset anymore over my mother's silly comments. So thankful for having my counselor on my side.


**On a side note, my dad is home and doing well. 

Stepping Stone

Slowly but surely I'm learning. It might only be a day or two at a time but that's better than nothing right? I think so.

Anyway, yesterday I went to the mall to get some clothes for work I probably spent a good hour in Express trying on clothes. But I was happy and I found pants that fit me. I did a bit more shopping, after being at the mall for 2 hours and walking practically the whole mall I called it quits.

After I do something I'm always saying how extremely tired I am and that I overdid it. So I made the decision to leave the mall while I was still feeling good, win for me! I made a stop on the way home and whether or not that contributed to the way I feel now I don't know. 

I'm tired but not severely tired to the point where I need a nap. Yes I did rest when I got home and that's helping.

I'm learning to take a step back and evaluate the situations I'm in. Did I feel fine after 2 hours of shopping? Yes. But I was walking around and carrying bags or 2 HOURS, so I decided to quit while I was ahead. That's a big step for me. I wanted to keep shopping but I knew had I to stop. Here's to listening to myself and my body.