Always There..

Today I realized how great it is just to know that people care about you. I had a homework assignment in one of my classes. To interview a woman in my life who I admire. I chose a teacher I had my sophomore year of high school, almost five years ago. She was there for me a lot that year I had her and she continues to be there. As I sat there beside her in the classroom explaining to her why I chose her, I knew that this meant just as much to her as it did to me. So we continued the interview with lots of laughs and having a good time. As the interview drew to a close we were walking out together, I thanked her for agreeing to do the interview with me and told her that I really appreciated it. She told me how flattered she was that I thought of her and had chosen her for the interview.  Before we parted ways, I told her how much I appreciated her always having been there for me even when she really didn't have to be and how much that meant to me. She told me, never to hesitant that no matter what she would always be there for me, whether school related stuff or something else. To just email or stop by if I ever needed anything, that she would always be there. Today, was a really good day. It's just good to know that there is someone there that really cares and good to let that person know how much of an impact they have made in your life and that you really appreciate them. So thank you for always be there for me, I know I have told you many times how much it means that you have been there for me, encouraging and supporting me for so many years. It really does mean a lot to me that you are there and I am so happy to have you in my life.

It's starting to sink in that no matter what I do to change and be what my parents what it's never going to happen. They have this perfect image of my brother stuck in their heads, that's what I should be. I should be living up to what my brother is, my younger brother. Because he is perfect. He changes his mind after putting a nonrefundable deposit down at school, wasting money traveling to the college he was supposed to go to and they think it's the greatest idea. Because no matter he does or how bad he messes up he's perfect and I will always be compared to that. Oh and apparently since I sit at desk for part of the time I'm at work; I don't work. Yeah, I find that hilarious. I work my butt off at work but apparently that's not good enough because my brother is on his feet all day in a hot store. Seriously, give me a break; you're going to say I don't work because I have a desk job. I'm so sick of this shit. Of being compared to someone, why can't I just be good enough?

I'm just sick of everything. In June, I got results from an MRI; it said there was a possibility I had cancer. I found a few weeks ago that thank god I don't (I have no go for further testing they think something might be wrong with the way my liver or gallbladder is working). I don't think anyone should have to go through it and I have so much respect for those that do. I don't think respect is the right word but I can't think of another one. Anyway, it got so bad that I kind of hoped that I had cancer (before I found out that I didn't) because of the things my mom would complain at me for doing; like she accused me of lying and didn't even ask my side of the story. Her and my dad also went as far to tell my grandparents that I don't return their calls, I'm disrespectful, I have no responsibilities, and that I don't want to come home on weekends to hang out with them. (I work with my aunt in the summer--so it makes sense to live/commute with her because my car transmission went and I'm saving money for that.)

No I don't want to come home for the weekend, who wants to go home to get yelled at for nothing. I would feel sick to my stomach just knowing how could you think that, how could you kind of want cancer; are things really that bad? I feel horrible for thinking about it especially because so many people are touched by cancer and no one asks for it.

I just want to be out of this house, they don't realize how bad they are pushing me away.