Matters of Life

Hi Wendy,

I'm just so done trying. I never asked for their help, I don't want it. Especially if they are going to make me feel bad about it. So I'm taking care of everything, I'm "taking responsibility for my life" since my mom says I'm immature and irresponsible. I can't stand it, she makes me feel so bad about myself. I am responsible, I take care of everything doctor's appointments, finding doctor's appointments, taking care of my medication.

I had to come home yesterday because I have an appointment with a neuropsychologist. I can't wait to go back to my aunt's house. Coming home is always the hardest part. I thought maybe, just maybe they would go easier on me since my diagnosis but I was wrong. It's not that I want special treatment or anything, it's just hard sometimes. Not that it hasn't always been hard. It's just that I'm more emotional about stuff. I'm doing it all on my own, I kind of wish they were there to help but at the same time I don't. I don't want to depend on them for anything. So as much as I think it may be nice to have their support, I don't want their criticism.

I had my appointment with the neuropsychologist yesterday and now I'm looking for a new one. I can't handle this all on my own. I'm trying to do this alone but it's so hard. Trying to find certain specialists that take my insurance is so much harder than I thought it would be. I ask my parents questions about my insurance but my mom just gets frustrated with me and yells. I can't help it if I don't know something and need to. Honestly, I'm only 21 years old and I don't want to be dealing with this stuff. I want a normal life, I want to go out and go clubbing or something. I want to be making phone calls to anywhere but doctor's offices to see if they take my insurance and cover neurological testing. I want to be doing anything but this. I can't handle it on my own. I broke down today, it's just too much.

I hate crying because it always makes me feel weak but maybe I need this. Maybe I just need a really good cry. I just don't know anymore and I'm not sure I care.

I wish so bad that I could just push these feelings aside. That I could pretend like nothing is wrong but i cant keep doing it. I cant keep pretending, its time to face reality. I just don't know if I can hold this all together anymore.

Thanks for listening again you always do.

Jess