Goodbye Guilt, see you later.

My best friend and sister got married a little over a week ago. The drive home from Maryland the morning after the wedding was probably one of the hardest drives I've ever had. I cries the whole three and a half hours home, and I do mean the whole three and a half hours. We'll minus the put stop for gas I willed away the tears so the gas station attendant didn't think I was crazy.

The whole ride how all I could think as I cried was "I want a mom, I feel like I don't have a mom." Looking back and reflecting I'm noticing how much those words mean. I want A mom, I wasn't crying for the mother I have (she's my mother biologically but in all other aspects she's not my mom). I was crying for a mom, another mother.

I missed out on so much growing up. Painting nails, mother daughter dates, dress shopping for school dances, prom and graduation, cooking in the kitchen together, just learning from her. Its the little life moments that seemed silly at the time but they are really everything. Those moments are everything in life and I have nothing.

I've had the chance to experience some of these things with other women in my life and I've felt guilty about it. Guilty that I've had the chance to experience things without my mother. But these are the things I need and she couldn't give them to me. So now I've been blessed with the chance to experience these moments with other women in my life. I'm done feeling guilty.

I put living my life on hold for so many years, for so many reasons and at times I didn't even realize I was doing so.

When I was younger I lived my life to try to please my parents, to try to earn their love. I did the things they wanted me to do. I thought some how that this would finally make them happy and then they'd love me.

When I got sick at 16 I put my life on hold again. I didn't go to parties, go out with friends much or date. I pushed guys away because I didn't think a guy could love a girl like me.

One of my biggest fears in dating has been that the guy I end up ultimately falling for won't be able to handle all my baggage. In talking with my therapist about dating and when to tell someone you're seeing that you're sick she brought up such a good point. I'm seeing things in a slightly different, clearer and better perspective.

I have this emotional tie to my baggage (which consists mostly of my health issues in relation to my fear of dating) but it's my emotional tie. I have this movie reel playing in my head everytime I think about having to tell a guy about my health. But the guy that I eventually end up trusting enough to let in won't see the movie reel, he won't feel the emotions I feel as I watch every scene. He won't feel the pain, he only knows what I tell him.

I've always thought my health issues would be enough to make a guy run away. got Only they won't, they are only making me want to run away.