Where's your truth?

If you asked me where I thought I'd at 21, where I am now would not be it. I thought my life would be so much different then it is now. I thought I would have had at least a couple boyfriends by now. I thought that I would be going out, staying out late, doing things that normal teenagers do. I thought I would be worrying about college and my career. I thought I would be worrying about my hair, and if this top goes with those bottoms. I thought I would be having my heart broken and breaking a few hearts. I thought I would be going out to bars celebrating that I'm 21 by having a few drinks. But the truth is I'm nowhere near there.

The truth is at the age of 21, I've never had a boyfriend. I'm not going out with friends and staying out late. I'm not doing normal things that teenagers do like going to clubs, concerts, and other things along those lines. I'm not worrying about college and my career as much as I thought I would. I'm not worrying about having perfectly straight hair or perfect waves or perfect bouncy curls. I'm not worrying about makeup or clothes. I've never really had my heartbroken because how can you have your heartbroken by someone you were crazy about but didn't know. And I definitely have not been breaking any hearts. I'm certainly not going out to bars drinking with friends.

The truth is at the age of 21, I've spent more time worrying about doctor's appointments and medical tests than boys and friends. The truth is the things I thought I'd be doing I know very little about. The truth is I know more about doctor's and different medical tests than most people my age. The truth is I used to be okay with all of that.

But now the truth is I'm not. I'm going for my second spinal tap or lumbar puncture tomorrow. I thought I was okay with it. But now I find myself, wanting to get out of it. I've been crying myself to sleep the past few nights just thinking about the spinal tap. I'm so  scared. I'm scared to death that something is going to go wrong. But more than that I think I'm scared to see what the results are going to say. The truth is I thought I was ready for all of this but I'm not. Honestly, what 21 year old could be okay and ready for all of this?