To the Boy Who Tried

I was 24 and you were just trying to make me happy. I wasn't ready to be happy as silly as that sounds. I was living in a toxic environment just trying to hold myself together. Happiness wasn't on the horizon and survival was the only thing on my mind.

No one had ever put me first before themselves but you did and that didn't make sense to me. I see now that you were trying to live life with me. You were trying to give me life experiences, it was exactly what I didn't know I needed.

You spoke about the future and made plans for us but I was scared. There were so many factors in play.

I knew when you said you'd be there for me no matter what, that you meant it and that scared me too. No one had really been there for me before, not even people who were supposed to. So how could someone who hadn't known me that long, be there. But you were and you waited as long as you could.

And now what seems like a second chance might be possible in the future, at least that's what I hear from your friends. If I really have a second chance, I want my firsts to be with you. I don't want them to be with someone else but am I silly for waiting around for what might be? I'm already stuck on the what could have been. Should I really be jumping on the what might be wagon?

If I could do it all again, I wish I could say I'd make different decisions. But the decision to walk away from us and what we could have been was probably the best decision I could have made. I was so messed up and I'm not sure a relationship would have survived everything I was going through. If it did I may have just pushed you farther away, at least you are still in my life as a friend. I want you to be happy so I truly hope you're happy with her and that she treats you the way you should be treated. Because you are an amazing guy and you deserve the world.

I need to let you go, as much as I still want to hold on its time to let go. Everyone has regrets in their lives, you are my biggest regret.

It's Healing even at 26

The experiences I've never had before that I'm really thankful for because they are healing. These are just a few. The hugs good night before bed and the how did you sleep in the morning when I'm staying with you guys.

Making the drive to comfort me when I'm sick. When I'm upset and or scared about a situation I'm going through. For the big tight hugs that are sometimes for just because. Showing me it's okay not to be perfect; that it's okay not to know everything. That it's okay not to know something, but that sometimes you just need to research a topic a little.

For showing me that being an adult doesn't mean that you have to be a perfect cook, that it's okay to burn and overcook food. That some recipes don't need exact measurements and sometimes you should just let life happen. It's okay not to know what I want, to change my mind, and then change my mind again.

For showing me it's okay to be scared, that we aren't going to be confident in every situation that we are put into. Thank you for not trying to change me and proving to me that I've lovable.

So when you guys make the joke "the kid" is hanging out with us on Friday night. And say we are old and boring, why are you hanging out with us? I usually laugh, you're not old and boring to me. That's why, there's so much you're showing me. I'm not sure you realize it but I'm learning from you. It's changing me and the messed up views I previously had of the world and of myself. 

But it's also the feeling of being safe, secure, and loved. That's how you guys make me feel. You opened up your home and family to me. You made me feel welcome and safe, that's something I truly appreciate.

Even though it's nice to just sit and watch tv. It's not what we are doing that matters, it's more the feeling that comes from it. It feels like home, it's not a feeling I've ever had before.

I know that when I show up at your door that there's going to be no judgement, no matter what I've done. Rather maybe a few weird looks, some hugs, maybe some tears on my part but you always reassure me that it's going to be okay. The things that used to seem like such a big deal before I'm realizing aren't. The world isn't going to end when I make a mistake.

Some may think that these are things you need when you are little and that when you're an adult you've outgrown them. But if you've never had these things, you need them. Heck even if you've had them growing up you could still need them. Some may say those are little silly details that don't mean much, but for me they mean a heck of a whole lot.

I've grown a lot in the last year. Some of it has just been having the freedom to grow as my own person. Some of it has been from the new experiences, they are healing and help to fill in the holes. It's like roots and wings. You are giving me the roots I never had earlier in life, to help me grow my wings.

All the Ways that Matter

It's the moments in your life well my life in particular that I've never had before. A few months ago I wrote about how I wanted a mom. I wasn't crying for the biological one that I had, but I was longing for a mom. It's funny how life works. I have an "adopted" mom now and I'm getting the chance to experience moments I've never had before.

The "I love yous". The goofy smiles and laughter. Singing random songs and dancing in the kitchen. The big tight hugs. The good night, sleep tights before bed. The how did you sleep in the morning. Watching a show together at night just because we can. Sitting in the quiet morning silence with coffee and tea. 

Laughing at my mistakes because almost anything can be fixed. Sharing excitement for big life moments. 

It's the simple little acts. The acts that I've ever experienced, the things others may have taken for granted. Feeling loved just for being the person that I am, not having to try to fit into a mold and be someone else. Knowing I'm good enough as I am and that's an amazing feeling. When it comes down to it all, the experiences are really nice to have but I think it's the connection and bond that really make the experiences.

She may not have become a mom in the conventional sense that everyone thinks of but she's a mom in all the ways that matter most.  

Do You Know?

How you date after growing up with a dysfunctional family and being sick? I'm throwing this question out to the universe.

I'm really good at doctor's appointments and medical testing. Basically anything in the medical field. While going through all that I simultaneously dealt with my dysfunctional family and keeping my head above the water in school.

Okay so maybe there are three things I know well... the medical field, dysfunctional families and school. Honestly, none of these three things make for good small talk or conversation starters.

How do you date someone when you haven't really lived yourself? When you feel like you don't have much to offer. When you feel like there is so much about the world and life that you don't know. Is it just uncharted territory that you go through with someone else?

I don't have the slightest clue.

I've been on 4 first dates in the last couple of months, no second dates. Am I a bad kisser? Am I a bad conversationalist? Am I boring? What's the deal? I'd like to know. The cycle is only going to continue on like this. Because I mean one or two guys no biggie but 4 guys...that's got to be me not them. There's got to be something wrong with me. 

So maybe I'm a bad kisser but you don't get good after one date or one experience it takes a little time doesn't it? I don't have any experience. I spent most of my high school life in doctor's offices and hospitals not much time for a dating life. Maybe take the time to get to know me before you write me off. But that's the thing, my life, my background that's not something you break out and share on a first date or not even necessarily the second. Give me some time. Get to know me.

To answer my own question, I don't know if there's a way to date with my background but there has to be. Maybe I just need to live a little more, have more experiences that don't include doctors, schools or my dysfunctional family. But I'm already 25, I want to start experiencing life with someone else. I want to share my life with someone eventually, maybe not this year. Maybe this year is supposed to be about fun. But at some point down the road.

Water over Blood

People say that "blood is thicker than water" when referring to family and friends. But I wonder what makes blood better because in my case it isn't.

I've been thinking about the little things lately, the little things I've never had when it comes to the blood. Its the little things people take for granted. I have some of those things now and I'm a little scared to get used to them for the fear that they may disappear is strong. The support, hugs, and laughter. Sharing important moments with someone else.

Having a  safe place and person to run to when things get tough. The tight reassuring everything is going to be okay hugs. Never having to question whether I'm in inconvenience. Although I do slip frequently because I grew up as an inconvenience and it's hard to outgrow the thought that maybe not everyone views you that way. That some people actually want to be there for you, no strings attached.

I used to try to hide my fears and be a picture perfect person but perfection is over rated and my fears let me know I'm human. Isn't everyone? I have to say it's a lot more fun being imperfect than perfect. Mistakes give me room to grow and I know now I don't have to get everything right the first time around.

I'd take water over blood anyday, my friends who have become my family. The friends that love me unconditionally, no matter what choices I make. The friends I give my trust to and who have my trust in return.

Thank you for letting me be myself. For loving all of me including my flaws, mistakes, and imperfections.

Perfection doesn't exist

She wants perfection, the picture perfect daughter. She always has. There's no such thing as perfection, I'm far from it. But now I think reality maybe sinking in for her even if it's just a little. The reality that in a few short weeks I'm going to be gone. She's lost her chance to be my mom in its fullest capacity.

It was a chance that I had given up on long ago. Yes it would have been nice to have the mother daughter relationship that I've read about in books, watched in movies, and the kind I've written about. That ship has long since sailed away, out into the deep blue yaunder.

I can tell she is maybe starting to feel bad that she is losing me or her chance I can't tell which. She's trying to buy my love but if she knew me she'd know that I can't be bought.

Thank you

As I reflected on my life and what I didn't have, I realized how truly grateful I am for what I do have and the people in my life who do care.

Thank you to the woman who lets me talk to her about my bad interviews and awkward dates. Who lets me share my fears and tells me when I really have nothing to worry about but listens to my worries anyway. The woman who tries anything to distract me when I come to her scared about something.

The one who I can text when I'm upset, who will let me come over if she's home and will give me the biggest squeeze me to death hugs. The one who has been laughing with me lately. The one I can just be silly with. The one who will just sit with me even if I'm not saying much of anything (which is totally the case sometimes).

For teaching me how to curl my hair. For taking the time to teach me stuff in general no matter what it may be. For introducing me to new experiences. For reassuring me that it's okay to cry and to feel my feelings. For believing in me and teaching me to believe and have confidence in myself. For being proud of me and telling me so.

For showing me that I am capable of doing more than I think I am. For comforting me when I go to her upset and celebrating with me when I go to her with good news. 

Thank you for being someone I can trust and showing me that it is possibly to trust. Thank you for being always being a role model, giving me someone to look up to as an example of what I wanted to be like. Thank you for being a friend. I know you're not my mom but thank you for being a mom like figure in my life for doing things a mom may do. Most of all thank you for just being there.

"I want a Mom"

"A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend." That's a quote I've see a lot. I don't have that mother. There were no tea parties, lunch dates, or mani/pedi days. No fun shopping trips, sharing secrets or laughter. She never painted my nails or went dress shopping for prom, school dances or graduation. No meaningful heart to heart talks about the new guy in my life, school, my health or my life in general.

She wasn't there when I got my period for the first time. Well technically she was but when I called for her she asked is it really important I knew in that moment, I wasn't that important. She wasn't there for what most people would consider big life moments. She didn't teach me about makeup, shaving or waxing/cleaning up my eyebrows.

I didn't  run to her when I was sick and scared of all the doctor's  appointments. There were no big, tight comforting "it'll be okay" hugs. I don't remember any "I love yous" or cuddling up on the couch when I was little. No just because movie days or teaching me how to cook or bake. 

For all intents and purposes I have a biological mother but I don't have a mom. At least it doesn't feel like it. In the past I've felt bad and even guilty for thinking and feeling this but this is how I feel I can't really change it. She couldn't and can't be what I need, she just isn't capable and I'm realizing that.

Coming to terms with that realization, I know it won't be my biological mother filling in these moments. Even still, I need and want a mom.  Someone who will give me one of those super tight squeeze you to death hugs when I'm upset or just because. Someone to confide in about my excitement and worries before a date. Someone who will give me advice on what to wear on said date and if what I picked out looks okay. Someone who will then sit and listen to the details of the date and tell me it's okay if he doesn't call that just means it wasn't meant to be. A mom who I can just sit with and talk to, who doesn't make it seem like being there with me is an inconvenience. 

A mom just to share time doing activities with, even if they are chores like prepping dinner or a new do it yourself project. Someone to tell me I'm being silly and overthinking a situation. Who will help guide me in the right direction but not get mad if I only take half of her guidance. Someone who is going to tell me she's proud of me, even when I make mistakes.

A mom who is going to tell me about her life experiences but isn't afraid to let me go and make my own mistakes even if they are the same ones she made. Someone to learn from, to laugh with and cry with. I want the bond. I want to feel loved, connected, wanted.

Goodbye Guilt, see you later.

My best friend and sister got married a little over a week ago. The drive home from Maryland the morning after the wedding was probably one of the hardest drives I've ever had. I cries the whole three and a half hours home, and I do mean the whole three and a half hours. We'll minus the put stop for gas I willed away the tears so the gas station attendant didn't think I was crazy.

The whole ride how all I could think as I cried was "I want a mom, I feel like I don't have a mom." Looking back and reflecting I'm noticing how much those words mean. I want A mom, I wasn't crying for the mother I have (she's my mother biologically but in all other aspects she's not my mom). I was crying for a mom, another mother.

I missed out on so much growing up. Painting nails, mother daughter dates, dress shopping for school dances, prom and graduation, cooking in the kitchen together, just learning from her. Its the little life moments that seemed silly at the time but they are really everything. Those moments are everything in life and I have nothing.

I've had the chance to experience some of these things with other women in my life and I've felt guilty about it. Guilty that I've had the chance to experience things without my mother. But these are the things I need and she couldn't give them to me. So now I've been blessed with the chance to experience these moments with other women in my life. I'm done feeling guilty.

I put living my life on hold for so many years, for so many reasons and at times I didn't even realize I was doing so.

When I was younger I lived my life to try to please my parents, to try to earn their love. I did the things they wanted me to do. I thought some how that this would finally make them happy and then they'd love me.

When I got sick at 16 I put my life on hold again. I didn't go to parties, go out with friends much or date. I pushed guys away because I didn't think a guy could love a girl like me.

One of my biggest fears in dating has been that the guy I end up ultimately falling for won't be able to handle all my baggage. In talking with my therapist about dating and when to tell someone you're seeing that you're sick she brought up such a good point. I'm seeing things in a slightly different, clearer and better perspective.

I have this emotional tie to my baggage (which consists mostly of my health issues in relation to my fear of dating) but it's my emotional tie. I have this movie reel playing in my head everytime I think about having to tell a guy about my health. But the guy that I eventually end up trusting enough to let in won't see the movie reel, he won't feel the emotions I feel as I watch every scene. He won't feel the pain, he only knows what I tell him.

I've always thought my health issues would be enough to make a guy run away. got Only they won't, they are only making me want to run away.

Working Through the Past

I want a relationship. I've always dreamed of meeting a guy, settling down, having a bunch of kids. It's what I've always wanted. Although I feel and think I'm ready for that relationship I think there is a part deep down that isn't.

Maybe it's because at 25 I still haven't really dated anyone. I haven't been in a relationship, I haven't had that intimacy. Ultimately, my hope is only to be intimate with the guy I end up with. Even though I don't want to be intimate with a ton of people, I think that's part of the problem. I'm not really sure how or why but deep down I know that's part of it.

The other part is that I want something that I don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle. I have so many ghosts and skeletons in my closet that I need to work through before I can think about being with someone. I'm hoping that therapy will help with that. I don't want to be scared to date, I want to be able to let myself open and be vulnerable to getting to know someone and letting them get to know me. I don't want to turn around and run from someone every time I think something might go somewhere serious.

Maybe I need to just casually date around like my friends suggested. Get to know guys but no strings and no intimacy. I'm not sure why yet but for some reason I'm so scared to let myself have what I truly want in a relationship. Maybe part of me feels like I don't deserve it but I mean I can't deny that the other part of me knows that I do. I've had enough people tell me that I do.

I'm going to do my best to work through the skeletons in my closet and focus on myself for right now so I can hopefully get to the place I feel I need to be in order to pursue the relationship that I so desperately want.

I've spent the last 6 weeks dealing with constant dizziness. Laying down, standing up, sitting down, dizzy. Writing lesson plans, grading papers, teaching, walking up and down the rows checking students work, dizzy.

It has been one of the most frustrating symptoms I've had to deal with to date.

I woke up this morning with slight dizziness but it's not awful like it's been. I feel like a human being, I feel functional which isn't something I've been able to say at all in the past 6 weeks. I've been far from that. It's a relief, one that I'm not taking for granted because I don't know how long this is going to last. I want to be optimistic and say that the dizziness is gone but I don't know that for certain. That's the thing I'm relearning you can plan everything but expect nothing. Life is full of uncertainties but that's God's plan. So I'm trying to live my life God's way to the best of my ability.

Working my Program

A couple of days ago I was given the ultimate gift, serenity and sanity. Last March, I started attending Al-Anon. I had reached my limit, my breaking point, with my parents. My therapist at the time had suggested Al-Anon and she had never steered me wrong in past. So I researched this Al-Anon thing, that she was talking about and decided to give it a shot. The last few months, I've been beginning to see changes in myself, good changes.

Last month, in my study groups we were working on Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." Around the time we started this step, I felt as though I could say I was powerless over alcohol but it was everything else that I knew I was powerless over that I had trouble admitted. I still cannot 100% admit that I'm powerless over it all but I'm taking baby steps.

This month started Step Two "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The last couple of weeks, I've been on this horrible roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Between dealing with my parents and my current health issues, things were definitely not going well. By this past Thursday night, I was ready to fall apart..the tears pooling in my eyes were oh so present. The insanity was really taking over and once again my life was becoming unmanageable and I had no idea what to do, so I went to a meeting. I was a little early but went in anyway. I was anxious, overwhelmed and seriously contemplating leaving the meeting early.

Today, I'm thanking God that I didn't leave. In the meeting people were discussing sanity and that the opposite of sanity is insanity. Boy was I feeling like I was at the right place at the moment, specially with the insanity that I felt was taking over my being. I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I came to the realization that I was creating my own insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and I was expecting things to be different. I was expecting my parents to listen, to understand, to suddenly get me. Somewhere between leaving that meeting and the next morning, I had opened myself up to my Higher Power things were different.

I was able to speak with my father calmly without getting emotional, I said what I had to say for me. Even if my dad wasn't really listening or understanding what I was saying, I got out what I needed to and this left me with a sense of peace. Later that night I came home to my parents fighting and while I got upset about it, I didn't feel like their fighting was my fault like I had so many times before.

I'm seeing progress in myself, slowly but surely I'm working and living my program. My reactions to the situations that keep popping up are changing and I'm feeling serenity afterwards. It's a really nice feeling. I'm so grateful to have the chance to work this program and ultimately having the chance to change. I'm so blessed for this gift, and the spiritual gifts to come.