So this lump that my doctor said was an enlarged lymph node...is not an enlarged lymph node. It's a bone! My bones come up higher than normal and stick out more cause I'm so thin my doctor said. I'm so relieved, I really couldn't handle any more bad news.

The big day is here. I'm scared, nervous and my stomach is a huge bundle of nerves. I'm praying for good news, because my dream last night did not contain good news. Time to be somewhat strong. Here goes nothing.

The truth is...

I'm scared. I'm sitting here trying to be as patient as I can be but I hate waiting. I hate not knowing what is going on. I hate knowing the different possibilities but then again I really don't. I like knowing what might happen, I like having the chance to be prepared.

Yesterday was my last day on the antibiotic, there has been no change. I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure that means that it isn't an infection. I could go crazy thinking what if but...what if.

I was hoping the antibiotic might have started to kick in late but now I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen from taking it. So then whatever this thing is, it could go one of two ways. It could be benign or it could be malignant. I'm hoping for benign, but I feel as though I need to be prepared for the other. I tear up just thinking about it. I'm too young to have to deal with all this. Haven't I gone through enough?

People say that you are only given what you are strong enough to handle. I'm so tired of being strong. I'm tired of having to hold everything together. I just want to cry. I can't have Cancer. That's all I keep thinking and I feel bad because hundreds of thousands of people have cancer or have been diagnosed with cancer. Even more than that but I don't have an exact number. I know they didn't ask for it, no one does but I think I've been a good sport for the most part about the MS. I just can't deal with something else.

Waiting Games

So I picked up the report and films from the CT Scan I had done on Thursday and I find myself more confused then ever. I guess this is why they tell you to just wait and talk to the doctor. The results revealed no abnormal lymph nodes or masses. I should be relieved..right?

But I'm not because you see I have this lump that is well it's not exactly small and its very hard. My doctor said it was an enlarged hardened lymph node. So now I'm wondering did the scan not pick it up? So now it's back to playing the waiting game till Wednesday when I see my doctor.

Just a part of My Story

So here's the thing. I found this picture, it's a stupid silly picture..I don't even look good in it but whatever.

Its from the day after my 21st birthday..I was on a train headed into the city to celebrate my 21st birthday with people I considered my best friends at the time.  Funny thing is I dont talk to any of them anymore but that's not the point.  Exactly one month before this picture was taken I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. So this was my first big night out after that surgery and I kinda thought this is where my life is really going to start. Here and now. 

Fast forward a couple months and I'm back sitting in a doctors office I never thought I'd have to return to. Boy was I really wrong. Because if you fast forward another 5 months I'm having a spinal tap and a couple weeks after that I'm sitting back in that same doctor's office waiting to be called into another examination room that had become so familiar to me. That day I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The months following my diagnosis are a blur.  But they involved more specialists and tests. Even a training nurse because I would have to give myself injections. 

Now here I am wondering what happened and why. I kinda thought my life would go back to normal whatever that is. 

As I sat in the waiting room today waiting to be called in to have a ct scan for a lump I found I realized nothing is ever going to be "normal".  At least not the normal that is floating around in my head. Maybe life isn't supposed to normal or easy, I can't help but to worry. Because this "lump" I found is an enlarged hardened lymph node. It's easy to ignore the small stuff like it's probably just an infection or inflammation. But in the not so far part of my mind, I can't help but over react.

You see I'm the person that plans everything out, I'm the person that has to be prepared for anything. So when my specialist told me I might need to have a needle biopsy and that if it comes out benign then I don't need surgery right away. I can't help but think what happens if it's not an infection or inflammation. Even worse, what happens if it's not benign. It's either one thing or another, it's one of those things that black and white..there are no shades of grey in this case. So if it's not benign that could only mean one thing..that it is malignant. The c word--Cancer. 

I can't help but wonder if it is the big C what happens next. I feel as though my life will be put on hold again but I don't want it to be. Even though I find myself stopping my life currently because of something that may or may not be. I find myself saying don't worry or think about it..everything will be okay. But what if I want to worry, even just a little bit to maybe prepare myself. Is it better to over react and have things be totally fine..or not worry and get a huge surprise?

I would choose the first. Who knows if there is a right answer, I certainly don't. So I think I might just over react just a little bit because I'd rather be prepared and have things be absolutely fine then be stunted and presented with a huge whammy. I guess my point was..that day I saw my life going a completely different way then where I am now. No one really knows whats going to happen.

The other night was a really good night. I skyped with some new friends. It felt so good to just laugh and let loose. I liked not having to worry about my health, it was really nice. I ended the night feeling so good not just about myself but about life. My stomach hurt by the end of the night but not from being sick from laughter. I felt really good at the end of night, better then I've felt in a really long time. I could really use more nights like this.

I love ending my day with something I enjoy doing that relaxes me. So I made stew. It's still cooking so I don't know how it is but it sure looks good. Next time I think I might throw in some peas.

Just something I made on Photoshop today. I wanted to write it on a sidewalk near me but there's no sidewalk by my house and all the patios are covered with snow.