Part of me thinks this is always going to be hard. But it wont always be front row and center.  I tend to think a lot, its what I do. I wonder a lot too. About life, the world, my future. In some ways I've given up a lot but I've also kept so much. Through everything I've been through I've stayed true to myself and my values. Yes, I've questioned things, doubted myself many times but I stayed strong even through my hardest days. Diagnosis or not. Medical or mental. Part of me will always want answers and part of me may always be searching for them. But I think another part of me is slowly letting go again because ultimately its what's best for me.

A diagnosis wont define me, its merely a reassurance of some sort. I know what I'm going through is real but the people around me dont always believe that. But in some ways the diagnosis had made it a smidge bit easier. Although they didnt understand what I was going through at all they believed I was having symptoms and experiencing pain. But when doctors began to doubt my diagnosis so did those around me. They then began to doubt my symptoms and what I was experiencing. It went back to being oh that's really nothing, which isn't the story at all.

Just once I would like to feel the relief of a doctor saying to me you are fine, I don't need to see you again. Only that didn't happen yesterday and this all kind of sucks. I was expecting my exercise stress test to be fine and normal. But now I have an additional test added on the original three, I get to have a nuclear stress test. I wish I had heard you are fine. Instead I heard your heart rate raised too fast, if you were older it would be really bad we think this is because of your age but we can't say for sure. So we want to do a nuclear stress test to check the arteries of your heart to make sure the blood is flowing right. Just once I would like to hear you are done here there's no need to come back. Just once.