To the outside world it may appear that we're just a normal happy family, no one would think that underneath it all we aren't. Well you might be, but I'm not. The night before I thought about how great the next day was going to be and I had it all planned out. But plans never last. I woke up to hear the two of you talking about me once again, that you weren't going to bring me somewhere or pick me up. That it wasn't your responsibility and that if I wanted to go I had to find my own way. I closed my eyes, felt the tears drip down and forced myself to fall back to sleep hoping to forget it. That maybe it was just a dream.

But then on the way to campus you started complaining at me, for something that had yet to happen. I was supposed to be spending the weekend with my aunts and going into the city to see the tree. Earlier in the week, I thought we had agreed on this; you had even decided that you were going to go to. It wasn't supposed to be a problem. But then you changed your mind and decided that you were going to go out of the state this weekend instead. I asked if you could still pick me up on the way back. You called me selfish and self-absorb, said that I have to stop acting like the world revolves around me because it doesn't. You said that I'm going to have to learn that I'm not always going to be able to do everything I want and that I have to learn not to be so selfish. I didn't think I was being selfish. I thought maybe because you had to pass the house on the way home it wouldn't such an inconvenience, that it would be easier; silly me, I was wrong. I shut me eyes to keep the tears, I didn't want you to see me cry. I didn't want it to be another thing for you to yell at me for. I walked away from the car, trying to calm myself down. I didn't need this right now, but I couldn't help from breaking down.

The day went on I started to feel better, but I had lost any ambitions I had for today. I thought maybe the night would be better but I was wrong again.

The words issue and inconvenience left your mouth. Sometimes I wondered why you even had me.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't exist, it would be a lot less painful for me anyway. A lot less tears would be shed. The thoughts that run through my head, almost make me sick when I look back and think about them. But at the time, it seemed so much better than being here.

I'm sick of the yelling, especially since I didn't do anything wrong. The dishes in the sink that I left there, didn't clean or put in the dishwasher. I didn't even know they were there. They weren't even mine but I still got yelled at for it. It's the stupidest little things, that you yell at me for. Do you want control? Are you trying to feel tough? You yell at me for having shoes and books scattered around my room, but I don't have time for that. I have homework that's more important. But you think everything I say is just an excuse and you say you don't want to hear it. Well guess what the time is going to come when you're not going to have the chance to hear it because I'll be gone. You'll wish you would have listened, but you won't be able to.

I know I'm just a disappointment, but I like to think that part of me isn't. That part of me deep down inside is better than that. But you make it so hard to believe that. You expect the world from me, but I don't have the world to give. You say I'm irresponsible, but I've been responible for things since I was thirteen. I'm twenty-one now, I just want a little less responibility and a little more fun.

I try not to show my feelings in front of you because when I do you always tell me I need to grow up. You make it seem like crying isn't okay and what I need to say isn't important. I'm sick of all of it. I can't keep what I'm feeling inside forever. But when I let it out you make me feel weak and stupid. Like I'm being a child, but feelings are natural. I shouldn't have to feel bad for that, but I do.

I shouldn't have to explain my life to you when you won't answer little questions but I do. I'm just so tired and sick of this. I'm done with everything. I'm done trying because I know I'm not perfect, nothing I do is ever right, I'm obviously just not good enough for you. I'm going to have to be okay with that, right now I'm not but maybe eventually I will be. Maybe someday it won't hurt so bad.

Being lied to isn't the part that hurts the most, its the part of knowing you weren't worth the truth.

I joked around with people that asked me what I was doing on my birthday. Just some homework and laundry, I'm going out the next day. But being alone is kind of upsetting. I have two cakes, a bunch of balloons. But I'm alone, no one to eat cake with or make me blow out my twenty-one candles. I don't mean to complain I'm grateful for all the balloons, gifts, and cake but what is at that stuff if you have no one to share it with. I spend every friday night home alone, I just thought today would be different silly me. It's just another friday night.

Even though you know you're not good even doesn't help to soften the blows. It should but it doesn't. So everytime those comments come no matter how stupid they are or how ridiculous the reason is you are getting yelled at for, it's never easy. It's actually really hard, each time might bring you to tears. It might make you feel like nothing. Like you are worthless and you don't matter. You can't let it bring you down because eventually it will eat you alive. It will take over till there is nothing like of you and you begin to believe the lies. Then you will have lost and you'll be telling yourself that you are all those things that they said about you. But you're not, so just try to remember that and keep your head above the water.

It's time for me to stop fighting for something that's not there and let go of something that is never going to be.

It comes to a point in your life when you need to move on or overcome some misconceptions. I've always been the good girl. I've always done the right things and I've always worked my butt off for good grades. I've never failed. I've never made a mistake. It's too much being so close to perfection sometimes it does more harm than it does good because now I'm lost. Lost in a world where I only know one small part and that's all there is to me but I know somewhere deep inside there's so much more to me then what is seen.