The Little Moments

I woke up at your house the other morning overcome with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. They were filled with tears thinking about the night before. The brownies got stuck in the muffin pan and the pan could have been ruined, we weren't really sure. If that had happened at my parents house, I would have gotten yelled and been told about what a mess up I am. But you shrugged it off like it was nothing because it was nothing, it's just a pan. 

Sometimes things don't feel real. Almost like the relationship I have with you guys is a dream. I walked out to the living room, needing a hug and you gave me a big tight squeezy one. I felt safe and loved. You asked me what was wrong, if I had had a bad dream. I explained to you what was going on in my head. 

You never had to prove yourself to me, I just knew you cared. You said it and I could tell that you meant it. But you've proved it tenfold. You've shown me that someone doesn't have to be blood to love me despite everything I have going on. You've been there for me through my nerves at doctors appointments, administered iv's even when you were scared you were going to kill me with air bubbles, and recently given me medication via a shot. You didn't even think twice about doing it.

My parents were never there for me and I used to think that they were the ones that were supposed to be. I always questioned if they couldn't, who would willing want to be there for me? But you changed that perspective. I'm so lucky to have you guys in my life. It's the little actions that you take, the things you do.

Stabbing me with a needle to give me my medication. The heart to heart talks about the serious and the silly. Dancing in the kitchen. Your “what the heck” facial expressions you give me when I don’t make sense or when you seemed shocked about something that I don’t know. The talks you both give me about not settling for someone because I deserve more. The fact that I can talk to you or ask you about anything. The long silent walks. Laughing when I make mistakes or have blonde moments. The hugs and "I love you's" before bed. Thank you for the little moments and for sticking around through the good, bad, and ugly bigger moments.

It's Never Been Home Till Now

It's always just been a house, never a home. My parents put a roof over my head growing up but I never felt comfortable and I never felt like I belonged. I was always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter what I went to them with, I had somehow screwed up. So somewhere along the way, I stopped going to them it wasn't worth waiting to see what my next mistake would be in their eyes.

The friends who have become family. Nowhere has ever felt like home till now.  And at first I have to say I thought the feeling was that I was scared to be alone, I thought it was pure loneliness. Leaving your house on Sundays and going home my apartment in the past was hard. The tears would start falling a little while after I got home.

I didn't understand why, I was so used to being alone. It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't understand why I would feel sad. It was this overwhelming feeling, like there was an elephant on my chest. It didn't make sense to me how I could be alone during the week and be absolutely fine. But coming home after spending the weekend with you guys I would feel so sad.

But I had also never had anywhere that felt like home. There wasn't a place where I could just be me, mistakes, flaws and all. There were never people who felt like family and treated me like family.

After taking the time to reflect on the situation, I realized it wasn't sadness from being alone. I was homesick. Your house is the first place that's felt like a home. It makes sense now. I'd never been homesick before because I never had anywhere that felt like home.

I'm thankful to have a place and people that feel like home. People I know I can run to when things get tough but also to share when things are good. Thankful for people who care about me, who won't judge me no matter what I do. Thankful for the moments I never had but am experiencing now.