Well today a dipstick test revealed that I don't have a UTI. I was really wishing that this was all just a UTI but it looks like that isn't the case. I contacted my neurologist, I'm waiting to hear back. The words incontinence and urologist left my primary doctor's mouth. I'm doing all I can to deal with everything that's going on but things are so hard. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I'm reaching out for help but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I'm twenty-three this all feels so wrong.

And to top it off, my dad is in the hospital again and my mother is a basket case. She's yelling at me saying I don't do anything and everything falls on her, lies but whatever. I'm so sick of listening to her. I'm the one she turns to blame when things go wrong.

I'm tempted to push back my graduation date a semester. I know things aren't always perfect and there is always going to be rough patches but I'm just so stressed out. But then again whose says that the next semester will be any better. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired.

I'm 23 and going to bed at night hoping to make it through the night with NO accidents. That kinda puts things into perspective, just a little bit. Okay maybe A LOT. Here's to hoping this is just a UTI and nothing more serious.

What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?
-Mine Would Be You by Blake Shelton

Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night
I've been in stuck in a storm before
Felt the wind raging at my door
Couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't find a way out
Somehow my clouds disappeared
Somehow I made it here
-The Sun Will Rise by Kelly Clarkson

Do you ever find a song and just listen to it as you walk? It feels like the soundtrack of your life. You can listen to it play and see your life unfolding with the words. Well these are mine, they seem to really fit my life lately. 

Hold on Tight

You know that bar in front of you when you're on a roller coaster that we seem to hold onto for dear life. It's almost like a safety blanket or the protective wall we put up. We hold on so tight when we are going up, coming down and being flipped upside down. But we tend to loosen our grip when we think the ride is leveling out for a while. 

I think that's when we need to hold on the most especially in life. But how do you decide when its okay to loosen the hold or make your walls a little thinner? Things change constantly and suddenly.  You may think all the twists and turns are gone but then there is a sudden flip that wasn't anticipated it came out of nowhere. So at what point do we decide that we feel safe enough to leave ourselves open to the unknown? How do we know we are truly strong enough for that? I know we will always need a sense of security because we always need a little something, a little reassurance. Maybe its just taking the risk and if you happen to get flipped upside down, you take things as they come. You know you will survive, you just might not be okay right away but eventually you will be. So do we continue to hold on tight forever? Or do we decide to loosen our grip and manage through the ups and downs?

At times it feels like I'm being pulled into a thousand directions. Its these times that I consider giving up and throwing in the towel. Its these times I think of just letting the MS or other unknown health condition win but I don't. I do take a step or two back though. Usually in this time I fall to pieces, cry and give into the unknown which is something I said I'd stop doing. I can't control the unknown.

I've been thinking lately I'm so much more than a person who has MS residing in her body. I'm more than a girl with MS because that's such a very small part of me, minuscule really. I thought removing that piece everything else would fall apart but I'm not so sure about that. I'm more than a girl with MS.  I'm a future educator. I'm a best friend. I'm someone who dreams of changing the world. I'm a mentor and a helping hand. I'm someone who enjoys bringing laughter to others even if its telling them a story of something I did that was ridiculously stupid. I'm all that and so much more.

MS or not, I'm still that person.

I found myself after I was diagnosed with MS. I want to say that to some extent I've always been happy in different areas of my life. It's just that my life always felt so like it was broken into pieces. I was happy in parts of my life but not my life as a whole. But after I was diagnosed, I felt this sense of relief to finally have answers. I was in denial at first but that passed and I was sad about the situation. Over a year after my diagnosis, I finally found that I was in a good place. I was happy with my life, school and for the most part my health. One day, one hour seemed to take that all away. I don't think I really lost myself but it feels that way. I think its more that I lost my sense of stability and certainty both of which I think were holding things together.

So now I'm trying to find myself without answers, trying to make sense of my life when there are unknown factors. I need to get myself back to that good place. I came to realization in June that:

 "I officially embarked on this journey one year ago today but I think I've really been on this journey my whole life. It's not a new journey or even a new story just a change or added chapter in my life." from http://mattersoflifeee.blogspot.com/2013/06/letting-go.html

I'm sticking with that realization now. This is merely a change or added chapter in my life, it's not a welcomed chapter or one that I would expect like the chapter where I meet a guy, fall in love, get married, or even have kids. This is an unwanted chapter but I know I will grow from this experience. I'm trying really hard to make it through this rough patch but not without help.