Matters of Life

Hi Wendy,

I hate this. It's official I have MS. Everyone's treading so lightly around me like I may break. My mom is actually being nice which kind of hurts, ironically enough. Things are changing so fast, I really wish this wasn't happening. I wish it would just go away. I keep thinking if only I could have just kept pushing all my symptoms away, I wouldn't be in this place where I am now. I'm hating life. I'm definitely not looking forward to the injections I'm going to have to take.

I've been to a specialist who has confirmed that I have MS. My right arm is also weaker than my left due to the flare up I had. Oh did I tell you that I've had MS for at least 5 years now. Yup, doctor confirmed that too. I failed my memory test, which means I have to go see yet another specialist that deals with cognitive issues. That might be interesting, I guess I'll see.

I'm trying really hard to hold it together and put on a smile. But parts of me just want to break down and sometimes I do. When the realization hits me that its true and it's not some dream. That's when it gets me the most.  It's a big change bigger than I thought it would be anyway. I mean I've known this was always a possibility but somehow I didn't think it would ever really happen. I guess. I'm trying to be positive but that doesn't always work.

I just really wish people could be real with me. I'm so sick of everyone's" oh it could be worse" or "you're going to be fine" speeches. It's kind of like everyone just wants me to be okay with this but I can't, I need time. I really don't want to talk to my mom about it, she's still got that "you're going to be fine, don't worry about it" attitude. But how do you not worry about something that's happening to you. And she's still lying and hiding stuff, no surprise there really.

My friends, well let's just say I can't really handle them right now. They complain about the stupidest stuff. I wish I had their problems. Their stupid little problems. I feel like this is so unfair. I really wish my biggest problem was not getting an invite to a party or getting drunk and not remembering. Or any of the other stuff things they are worrying back. If I could go back, I wouldn't complain so much about the small stuff.

Oh and I kind of met someone, online but still it's something. I'm not sure if it will go anywhere but for the first time in a while I feel completely at ease and comfortable with a guy. It's too bad he's five hours away, we are going to try and meet up. Hopefully that will happen. But he's sweet and he makes me smile. I can't stop thinking about him and I feel like we are at very similar places in our lives. It's just very comfortable and I'm happy with that.

Some days I wake up and wish this would all just go away. I don't want to have to be mature. I want to be a kid. I want to be stupid, immature and make some bad decisions. I want to be able to stay up till four in the morning doing whatever but my body won't let me. I just want my old self back. The person I was five years ago before this all started.

That's all for now. Thanks for listening you always do.

Jess.