There are so many unknowns in life. Many seem horrifying. I'm scared and this time it's not for my health. I hate not knowing what's going on. I hate being left out. I know you say everything will be okay but it doesn't feel okay. I hate living with unknowns. And I know I complain way too much, it's just I've been through so much. I've made it through, I'm trying so hard to be strong but it's all too much. I need answers and I know I won't get them. I'm trying so hard just to focus on school and forget everything else that is going on but I can't. I've debated going back to counseling but I don't want to use that as a crutch. I was doing so well out of counseling, I feel like going back would be a step backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I need to be strong and do this on my own. I'm just not sure if I can.

The Girl.

I'm the girl that would rather stay in on a Friday night then go out to a bar. I'm the girl that loves doing her hair and getting dressed up in a cute dress. But I'm also the girl who would so much rather be in sweats and a big baggy shirt or sweatshirt with her hair in a messy bun. I'm the girl that believes and wants that happily ever after but deep down knows that happily ever after doesn't exist. I'm the girl that could stay buried in a book or multiple books for a day on end or days. I'm the girl who loves to make people laugh and see them smile. I'm the girl that is a hot mess more than half of the time. I'm the girl that needs to be reassured over and over that everything is going to be okay. I'm the girl that needs to hear that she is loved. I'm the girl who doesn't feel like she belongs anywhere most of the time. I'm the girl who has the biggest heart in the world. I'm the girl that finds it hard to trust because she has been hurt so many times by the people closest to her. I'm the girl that cries during the sappy romantic movies and books. I'm the girl that will worry herself silly about anything and everything.

I'm the girl that wants to make a difference in her students' lives'. I'm the girl that plays it safe. I'm the girl that loves helping others. I'm the girl that wishes she had a better relationship with her mother but has stopped trying because deep down she knows it's a lost cause. I'm the girl that is learning to fight for herself and what she deserves (baby steps anyway). I'm the girl that really just wants to be loved. I'm the girl that loves to plan and organize. I'm the girl that hates change but is slowly learning to accept it. I'm the girl that once she has had time to let a bad situation sink in she tries to turn it into a positive. I'm the girl who is trying to forget about perfect and live life imperfectly. I'm the girl that loves soaking in a tub filled with hit water but will settle for luke-warmish because of the MS. I'm the girl that will eventually have her own  happily ever after imperfectly. I'm the girl that paints her nails to relax herself. I'm the girl who loves blasting country music while she cooks. I'm the girl that more often than not feels like the biggest disappointment. I'm the girl that will surprise you and make you think twice.

I'm that girl and so much more.

Hate

That's a strong word right? I've heard so many times don't use hate it's such a strong word, use dislike. This isn't a dislike kind of situation. I hate my mom. Screamed it at her this a few minutes ago actually while slamming my bedroom door shut. She doesn't care or listen.

I made an appointment with an eye doctor this morning. I was telling my dad then he asked for the phone. I said I'm calling the specialist I'll give it to him when I'm done. My mom turned around and asked what specialist? I said the MS specialist. She says you're really going to go through with that, he isn't going to be able to do anything for you. So I slammed the door shut and screamed I hate you.

I don't really feel sorry for that. I don't really know what to feel now.

It's one of those moments

Those moments when I realize it's okay to cry. So I do. Just like I did last night. Things will get easier. Maybe not right this second, or tomorrow or even the week after that. But eventually things will get better. They have to.

What I've gained..

I was standing in  my room this morning getting ready for work. I was wishing I could wear these really cute white wedges to work with my blue and white polka dotted dress. Instead I'm wearing white flats because the MS is messing with my balance a little more than usual as of lately. I keep thinking about all the stuff I've lost because of MS and what it's taken from me. Like my sense of stability in a way. I don't plan as much anymore, it's more like do stuff when I can. My life is full of unknowns now. Like when something might happen. I was at work and out of nowhere part of my face feels like it's on fire. I keep thinking of everything I feel like I've lost due to the MS.

Then I realized what MS has given me. Because of MS, I found MSWorld. There are four women that I have become extremely close with. If not for MS or MSWorld I would have never met them.

So now I'm trying to think in terms of gains, not losses. I've gained four amazing friends, I couldn't imagine my life now without them. I think we each bring our own little something to the friendship and we balance each other really well. I'm so grateful to have them in my life and so grateful to have the chance to be in theirs. I know we will all be there for each other. Whether I'm having a bad day, or one of them is having a bad day, or we just need to fool around and laugh. We will always be there for each other. That's a great feeling, knowing that they will always be there for me and that I will always be there for them. So today I'm looking at the MS in a new light. In a light of gains and I'm thankful for it. As crazy as that may sound.