I never had a connection with my parents. There was no bonded relationship. Not a single tear fell when my mom would leave for rehab and she left many times. I did feel relief though, that she was finally gone even if it was only for a little bit. Maybe that makes me a bad daughter but I had no sanity when she was around. It's been eight months since I moved out and I've been fine without my parents.

But the thought of losing you guys scares me. And there are tears and overwhelming feelings.

Parents are supposed to be the one set of people that love you no matter what. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. But that wasn't my parents and I've realized that will never be my parents. They criticize my every step and have questioned me till I wasn't sure what was really right.

But you guys have supported me since day one. From doctors stuff and injections to my interviews and accepting jobs. You've backed me when I wasn't sure if the decision I was making was right. 

I can't imagine you guys not in my life. I know that our nights of us watching tv, me laying on top of your legs and you brushing my hair aren't going to last forever. The nights of me staying in what you guys call my room isn't going to last forever. But there are going to be new moments.

I see you guys there making faces (hopefully not though) at the guy (or guys) I bring home. You guys badgering him -- asking him questions from the "rules list". Even though I don't want a traditional big wedding, I still picture you there with me, helping me get ready.

So maybe things won't always stay how things are right now but I hope you'll always be apart of my life. 

I had a dream the other night. You guys got the kids back and things changed. I'm scared. I know if the situation came up and the kids needed you to take them back in you guys would in a heartbeat. The kids deserve that. They deserve to feel loved and safe. Being loved and feeling safe especially by you guys is one of the best feelings in the world. I would know.

I'm scared because there's this overwhelming feeling that things would change. I felt it at dinner the other night. They were your kids tonight or it felt that way. You asked me if I was okay a couple times, I said yeah and played it off as being tired. Maybe I'm not the best at hiding things or expressions but I think you bought it. It felt like I was sitting in on dinner with a family. I was an outsider looking in.

I've felt like I was your kid for a while now and you're always calling me your adopted daughter but it felt different tonight. It's stupid and silly. They are just little kids. They'd need you more than I would anyway. But I'm attached or maybe it's just that I love you guys I'm not sure. But I felt like I had been pushed to the back. I feel like I'm being totally stupid and ridiculous.

I'm just scared of losing you. Losing the little moments. Losing feeling like I could come to you whenever and about whatever. Losing the big tight hugs. The "I love yous". Because they are little and they would have to come first.

You told me once that you had an abortion and that baby would be my age. That I literally could be your kid. Not too soon after it had kind of felt like I became your kid. But maybe we aren't supposed to have the things we lost out on. Maybe I'm not supposed to be there.

I grew up with a mother who was physically present but not really present emotionally and mentally. She wasn't maternal. Maybe we only get one shot at these experiences. Maybe my time with you is just supposed to be short. Maybe it's just supposed to show me the person and mom I can be. That I can't let my past dictate my future.

It's little moments like these that I am so grateful for having you guys in my life. We spent the day painting, there were lots of laughs and some what the heck facial expressions. It's simple and silly. The other night you tucked me, it was your idea. Might seem silly for a 26 year old to be tucked in but I got a comforting feeling from it. It felt like I was home and that's where I belonged. 

It's in the moments when we are having silly conversations but that we can also have serious ones. I know that with you I don't have to question or think twice when you say "I love you". That in itself is probably what gets me the most. For the first time I feel loved and it doesn't feel forced. 

I spent my whole life striving to be anyone but my mom, in school you were someone I looked upto and I still look upto. I wouldn't mind being like you. 

Happily Ever After

Happily ever after for me isn't about finding the right guy. It's about finding me. It's about making myself happy.

I've put my life on hold so many times for various reasons but it's time to live. Time to enjoy, smile, and laugh. It's time to fall in love with myself. Right now I'm happy being single, it's stress free and fun. Of course in the future it'll be nice to have a special someone in my life but I'm okay right now or I was.

I was fine until the wedding; actually I was better than fine I was happy. But seeing you did something to me, it brought up the old feelings and memories. I need to forget you again because I want to love myself. I want to live life and enjoy. I don't want to keep wondering about the what might be. I don't want to cry or get upset everytime I see your girlfriend posting about what she's doing with "the love of her life".

I want to go back to that carefree fun loving girl that I had let myself become. I miss her. This sad girl is no fun at all. I want to live without wondering if you've broken up with her yet. Live without wondering is she really what's making you happy. Because for the longest time all I've wanted to do is make you happy.

I want my heart not to hurt so much, I hear it gets a tiny bit better as time moves on. But I also hear that you'll always be in my heart, you're not leaving. I understand now what Wendy meant when she said you'll see the world in rose colored glasses. I saw the world differently when I was with you. You made me happy.

I wish I didn't want you. I wish I didn't think of you when I think about the future I want. I wish I didn't picture you when I think about my future children. I wish I didn't see you standing next to me. I wish I didn't love you.

When I think about the possibility of you being back in my life, I partially feel like an idiot. When I think about having the chance of being with you again, I feel like an idiot. 

Your new relationship has hurt your friends time and time again. I'd be an idiot to give you another chance. But maybe sometimes you have to be stupid. This is all hypothetical, I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Now it's time to make myself happy again without you. I know it can be done because I've done it before. I've been happy without you and that's fine with me.  I just think I'd rather be happy with you than without you. But I don't have the option to be with you at this point. And I'm going with the notion that I'm never getting that option back. So I'm going to live to make myself happy.