"A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend." That's a quote I've see a lot. I don't have that mother. There were no tea parties, lunch dates, or mani/pedi days. No fun shopping trips, sharing secrets or laughter. She never painted my nails or went dress shopping for prom, school dances or graduation. No meaningful heart to heart talks about the new guy in my life, school, my health or my life in general.
She wasn't there when I got my period for the first time. Well technically she was but when I called for her she asked is it really important I knew in that moment, I wasn't that important. She wasn't there for what most people would consider big life moments. She didn't teach me about makeup, shaving or waxing/cleaning up my eyebrows.
I didn't run to her when I was sick and scared of all the doctor's appointments. There were no big, tight comforting "it'll be okay" hugs. I don't remember any "I love yous" or cuddling up on the couch when I was little. No just because movie days or teaching me how to cook or bake.
For all intents and purposes I have a biological mother but I don't have a mom. At least it doesn't feel like it. In the past I've felt bad and even guilty for thinking and feeling this but this is how I feel I can't really change it. She couldn't and can't be what I need, she just isn't capable and I'm realizing that.
Coming to terms with that realization, I know it won't be my biological mother filling in these moments. Even still, I need and want a mom. Someone who will give me one of those super tight squeeze you to death hugs when I'm upset or just because. Someone to confide in about my excitement and worries before a date. Someone who will give me advice on what to wear on said date and if what I picked out looks okay. Someone who will then sit and listen to the details of the date and tell me it's okay if he doesn't call that just means it wasn't meant to be. A mom who I can just sit with and talk to, who doesn't make it seem like being there with me is an inconvenience.
A mom just to share time doing activities with, even if they are chores like prepping dinner or a new do it yourself project. Someone to tell me I'm being silly and overthinking a situation. Who will help guide me in the right direction but not get mad if I only take half of her guidance. Someone who is going to tell me she's proud of me, even when I make mistakes.
A mom who is going to tell me about her life experiences but isn't afraid to let me go and make my own mistakes even if they are the same ones she made. Someone to learn from, to laugh with and cry with. I want the bond. I want to feel loved, connected, wanted.
