You'd see that today holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more
Merry Christmas <3.

Just be proud of me, just me and only me; not me because I'm on a billboard.

I don't want to be that girl.

They say maybe this was a good thing, that there's room for things to change now. But I've seen no change things are still the way they've always been. I can't stand it. And you obviously don't care. Nothing I do is ever going to change that. I can't wait to leave.

How do you know?

The worst feeling in the world, when someone wants you only because the one they really want doesn't want them. Then drops you because the one he really wants, wants him back.

I don't know what you want from me anymore and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. Just tell me, or don't. I just really don't understand anymore, I'm so confused. You contradict yourself so much. I just, I don't know. I'm so done. Nothing I do is going to change how you see me so why bother? You make me so mad. The constant yelling at me for anything and everything. I'm trying to block you out but it's so hard.

For the first time today, you're yelling but its not at me its at each other. You threaten to get a divorce like you have done so many times before. I try to hold in my tears but its hard. It's kinda funny how you saying that gets me so upset, as much as I can't stand you two I don't know what I would do if you split up. Normally, I would yell out to you to stop but I know you'd just yell up coming to yell at me, to mind my own business and that you didn't want to hear anything from me. I can't keep going like this but I don't know what to do, I don't think there is anything I can do. Im stuck and cornered in.

Now you're yelling at me for not wanting to go out with you as a family but I'm up to my neck in school work and even if I wasn't honestly I don't think I would want to. There you go comparing again, I've tuned out because it's just the same old thing. I'll always be the screw up, the one that can't do anything right. Nothing is going to change that.

To the outside world it may appear that we're just a normal happy family, no one would think that underneath it all we aren't. Well you might be, but I'm not. The night before I thought about how great the next day was going to be and I had it all planned out. But plans never last. I woke up to hear the two of you talking about me once again, that you weren't going to bring me somewhere or pick me up. That it wasn't your responsibility and that if I wanted to go I had to find my own way. I closed my eyes, felt the tears drip down and forced myself to fall back to sleep hoping to forget it. That maybe it was just a dream.

But then on the way to campus you started complaining at me, for something that had yet to happen. I was supposed to be spending the weekend with my aunts and going into the city to see the tree. Earlier in the week, I thought we had agreed on this; you had even decided that you were going to go to. It wasn't supposed to be a problem. But then you changed your mind and decided that you were going to go out of the state this weekend instead. I asked if you could still pick me up on the way back. You called me selfish and self-absorb, said that I have to stop acting like the world revolves around me because it doesn't. You said that I'm going to have to learn that I'm not always going to be able to do everything I want and that I have to learn not to be so selfish. I didn't think I was being selfish. I thought maybe because you had to pass the house on the way home it wouldn't such an inconvenience, that it would be easier; silly me, I was wrong. I shut me eyes to keep the tears, I didn't want you to see me cry. I didn't want it to be another thing for you to yell at me for. I walked away from the car, trying to calm myself down. I didn't need this right now, but I couldn't help from breaking down.

The day went on I started to feel better, but I had lost any ambitions I had for today. I thought maybe the night would be better but I was wrong again.

The words issue and inconvenience left your mouth. Sometimes I wondered why you even had me.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't exist, it would be a lot less painful for me anyway. A lot less tears would be shed. The thoughts that run through my head, almost make me sick when I look back and think about them. But at the time, it seemed so much better than being here.

I'm sick of the yelling, especially since I didn't do anything wrong. The dishes in the sink that I left there, didn't clean or put in the dishwasher. I didn't even know they were there. They weren't even mine but I still got yelled at for it. It's the stupidest little things, that you yell at me for. Do you want control? Are you trying to feel tough? You yell at me for having shoes and books scattered around my room, but I don't have time for that. I have homework that's more important. But you think everything I say is just an excuse and you say you don't want to hear it. Well guess what the time is going to come when you're not going to have the chance to hear it because I'll be gone. You'll wish you would have listened, but you won't be able to.

I know I'm just a disappointment, but I like to think that part of me isn't. That part of me deep down inside is better than that. But you make it so hard to believe that. You expect the world from me, but I don't have the world to give. You say I'm irresponsible, but I've been responible for things since I was thirteen. I'm twenty-one now, I just want a little less responibility and a little more fun.

I try not to show my feelings in front of you because when I do you always tell me I need to grow up. You make it seem like crying isn't okay and what I need to say isn't important. I'm sick of all of it. I can't keep what I'm feeling inside forever. But when I let it out you make me feel weak and stupid. Like I'm being a child, but feelings are natural. I shouldn't have to feel bad for that, but I do.

I shouldn't have to explain my life to you when you won't answer little questions but I do. I'm just so tired and sick of this. I'm done with everything. I'm done trying because I know I'm not perfect, nothing I do is ever right, I'm obviously just not good enough for you. I'm going to have to be okay with that, right now I'm not but maybe eventually I will be. Maybe someday it won't hurt so bad.

Being lied to isn't the part that hurts the most, its the part of knowing you weren't worth the truth.

I joked around with people that asked me what I was doing on my birthday. Just some homework and laundry, I'm going out the next day. But being alone is kind of upsetting. I have two cakes, a bunch of balloons. But I'm alone, no one to eat cake with or make me blow out my twenty-one candles. I don't mean to complain I'm grateful for all the balloons, gifts, and cake but what is at that stuff if you have no one to share it with. I spend every friday night home alone, I just thought today would be different silly me. It's just another friday night.

Even though you know you're not good even doesn't help to soften the blows. It should but it doesn't. So everytime those comments come no matter how stupid they are or how ridiculous the reason is you are getting yelled at for, it's never easy. It's actually really hard, each time might bring you to tears. It might make you feel like nothing. Like you are worthless and you don't matter. You can't let it bring you down because eventually it will eat you alive. It will take over till there is nothing like of you and you begin to believe the lies. Then you will have lost and you'll be telling yourself that you are all those things that they said about you. But you're not, so just try to remember that and keep your head above the water.

It's time for me to stop fighting for something that's not there and let go of something that is never going to be.

It comes to a point in your life when you need to move on or overcome some misconceptions. I've always been the good girl. I've always done the right things and I've always worked my butt off for good grades. I've never failed. I've never made a mistake. It's too much being so close to perfection sometimes it does more harm than it does good because now I'm lost. Lost in a world where I only know one small part and that's all there is to me but I know somewhere deep inside there's so much more to me then what is seen.

Back to the Basics

I just want to go back. Back to the time where I was all smiles. The time where I was constantly worrying about my health or if something else was going to go wrong. The time where I was healthy and people weren't constantly asking me if I was feeling okay. I just want to go back. Back to when I actually cared. Just bring me back..

I'm sorry you got stuck with a daughter as screwed up as me. I'm sorry that no matter what I do, nothing I do is right. I'm sorry I can't be the picture perfect person that you want be to be. I'm sorry you got stuck with me.

Just Another Dead End..

What do when you meet someone that's off limits?  Even though he seems like he could be so perfect for you. He loves math, he's studying to be a math teacher just like you. He love country music. He'd move to Tennessee in a heart beat. He's more than what meets the eye. He has a sense of humor but it's not over board. He can make you laugh or smile without even trying. He gives you hope that there might be someone out there for you and he might just be it. He makes you want to try. He interests you in more ways than one. He makes you want to find out more. You find yourself smiling at the mention of his name.  But you push him to the back of your mind because your best friend saw him first. And even though they don't seem to have a lot in common, you're not going to cross that line. So you push away the possibility of more than a friendship with a guy that could probably make you more happy than you've ever been. Better luck next time?

That feeling of knowing that no matter when you do he's still not going to want you like you want him. Those feelings that you have for him, that you try to keep buried deep down, come out when you see him. It's even worse when you see him and his arm is around her and you see the look in his eye that he has for her. You know he is never going to look at you like that. But would give anything for him to look at you like that just once.

I can't even say I love you because we've never dated, but this feeling I have for you is so strong. I can't help it. As much as I try to ignore it and move on, it just gets worse. I want to forget you but something pulls at me. Because forgetting you means letting you go, I want to let you go but at the same time I want you so bad my insides hurt. How is it possible for one single individual to have this effect on me? How is it that I feel so much for you and you feel nothing for me? Why can't I just let you go?

Always There..

Today I realized how great it is just to know that people care about you. I had a homework assignment in one of my classes. To interview a woman in my life who I admire. I chose a teacher I had my sophomore year of high school, almost five years ago. She was there for me a lot that year I had her and she continues to be there. As I sat there beside her in the classroom explaining to her why I chose her, I knew that this meant just as much to her as it did to me. So we continued the interview with lots of laughs and having a good time. As the interview drew to a close we were walking out together, I thanked her for agreeing to do the interview with me and told her that I really appreciated it. She told me how flattered she was that I thought of her and had chosen her for the interview.  Before we parted ways, I told her how much I appreciated her always having been there for me even when she really didn't have to be and how much that meant to me. She told me, never to hesitant that no matter what she would always be there for me, whether school related stuff or something else. To just email or stop by if I ever needed anything, that she would always be there. Today, was a really good day. It's just good to know that there is someone there that really cares and good to let that person know how much of an impact they have made in your life and that you really appreciate them. So thank you for always be there for me, I know I have told you many times how much it means that you have been there for me, encouraging and supporting me for so many years. It really does mean a lot to me that you are there and I am so happy to have you in my life.

It's starting to sink in that no matter what I do to change and be what my parents what it's never going to happen. They have this perfect image of my brother stuck in their heads, that's what I should be. I should be living up to what my brother is, my younger brother. Because he is perfect. He changes his mind after putting a nonrefundable deposit down at school, wasting money traveling to the college he was supposed to go to and they think it's the greatest idea. Because no matter he does or how bad he messes up he's perfect and I will always be compared to that. Oh and apparently since I sit at desk for part of the time I'm at work; I don't work. Yeah, I find that hilarious. I work my butt off at work but apparently that's not good enough because my brother is on his feet all day in a hot store. Seriously, give me a break; you're going to say I don't work because I have a desk job. I'm so sick of this shit. Of being compared to someone, why can't I just be good enough?

I'm just sick of everything. In June, I got results from an MRI; it said there was a possibility I had cancer. I found a few weeks ago that thank god I don't (I have no go for further testing they think something might be wrong with the way my liver or gallbladder is working). I don't think anyone should have to go through it and I have so much respect for those that do. I don't think respect is the right word but I can't think of another one. Anyway, it got so bad that I kind of hoped that I had cancer (before I found out that I didn't) because of the things my mom would complain at me for doing; like she accused me of lying and didn't even ask my side of the story. Her and my dad also went as far to tell my grandparents that I don't return their calls, I'm disrespectful, I have no responsibilities, and that I don't want to come home on weekends to hang out with them. (I work with my aunt in the summer--so it makes sense to live/commute with her because my car transmission went and I'm saving money for that.)

No I don't want to come home for the weekend, who wants to go home to get yelled at for nothing. I would feel sick to my stomach just knowing how could you think that, how could you kind of want cancer; are things really that bad? I feel horrible for thinking about it especially because so many people are touched by cancer and no one asks for it.

I just want to be out of this house, they don't realize how bad they are pushing me away. 

Ten Things About Me...

10. I love the way a simple white tank top or t-shirt looks with dark denim jeans, it's one of my favorite outfits.

9. I find the sound of water whether from a fountain, water fall, or a sink to be so soothing. The way it just meets going from top to bottom, I don't know there's just something about it that's comforting.

8. At the end of the day all I am looking for is someone to love me and all my flaws, someone that wants me for me and isn't looking to change me.

7. I could swim all day for hours underwater, I love the feel of water on my skin and just swimming around the bottom of a pool with no cares. It's little moments like this that I love and live for.

6. I like being spontaneous, there's something that's so freeing and fun about just picking up and going somewhere without planning again. Sudden trips are the best.

5. I think kids are amazing, they see everything so different and have a clean untouched perspective on everything; it's nice. They make everything seem magical and everything no matter how small turns into something big and exciting. The rush of excitement you get from them after you've helped them do something they have been trying to do, is the most amazing feeling in the world.

4. I'm a planner, I like agendas and lists. Colorcoding and organizing. It keeps me sane.

3. My aunts are like my best friends, they are always there for me and I know when I'm with them it's always going to be fun. I know at the end of the day my stomach will hurt from laughing so much.

2. I think my heart will forever be split in two, one part will always belong in the country and the other in the city. It's funny how different my likes are. I love late nights on the front porch rocking just looking out at the lay of the land, the quietness,the lightening bugs. It's like nothing matters except the moment you are in. But I love the fast pace and loudness of the city, the honking horns, people screaming, the history it's amazing. Every time I'm there I find something else I love about it.

1. I'm different from most girls, I give love way to easily, I'm selfless, I have a passion for teaching. I can't be replaced because there's never going to be another girl quite like me.

Moments..

A moment can change anything. A moment changed my life for two years. It was a moment that last only a mere few seconds, but those few seconds of that moment change my life for a long two years. The moment I realized I had to let the chains going between us was the slowest moment of my life. It was all for the best, because that means I can move on and that I’m maturing. That I can let go of the feelings I felt for you only a short time ago but still be your best friend. Things like this happen only in a moment. Moments are important, some many never be replaced. They can change your life for better or for worse. Moments are the pieces that build lives and bring them together. What would we be with moments.

It little moments like that, that only last a few seconds we don’t think that much of until they’ve become something bigger then we are able to handle. We take for grant little moments and actions, we think nothing of them. Until they have made this huge difference in life that we are not ready for. We aren’t prepared for it. It’s those little moments and action that we think nothing of that mean the most, that have the most reaction. Those moments and actions are the most important but we pay the least action to. It’s the anger, you saw in a friend but didn’t think twice about because it didn’t seem so bad. It must seem bad after he threatened you and won’t leave you alone… It must be bad enough that you threaten to go to the cops if he doesn’t leave you alone. If only you had saw that little bit of anger in that first moment, it wouldn’t have become what it is today. But I guess everything can’t be controlled. We don’t have that kind of power but it also would be horrible to pay attention to every little detail. What kind of life would that be going around trying to pay attention to every little miniscule thing that happens. You would not be living life. So I guess we’ll just go on forgetting these little moments until they become something more. Maybe that’s whats supposed to happen…. Maybe they aren’t supposed to be prevented. I mean something good might come from one. And wouldn’t it be horrible to miss that.

Give it up

I'M NOT PERFECT, end of story. And I know in your eyes I will never ever be perfect. I'm so sick of hearing all the things you have to say about to me other people behind my back. How I don't return calls, or have no responsibility, or I have an attitude. None of which is true; I know because people tell me. The sad thing is I try so hard to live up to the expectation you have of me but I can't. And I know I will never live up to be as amazing as your son, because in your eyes he can do no wrong. But me every choice I made, every word I say, is never right and somehow always wrong. You need to give up the dream or the perfect image you have of me because I'm never going to be that. I just can't stand that you make everyone think I'm this horrible person that I'm not. I'm different, I just want to find me not this person you want me to be. It's time for you to give up and learn to live with who I want to be. You need to stop putting so much pressure on me because soon enough I'm going to snap and I won't be the person I am right now.

A thousand thoughts running through my head. I can't keep them straight. Sometimes it's so hard to think and keep my thoughts straight. What do I do, what do I say. I wish my life could be like a painting. I could scrap the board and start all over again. Like an artist does when their painting goes all wrong. Or another option, I could choose would be to fix the piece that is broken or make something good out of what is so royally messed up. That's something else an artist does, their piece of work may turn out to be something they never would have pictured. But do I really want my life to end up being this big surprise?

How Do You Begin..

I want a relationship so bad. I want what my friends have. I want that special someone to talk to, to call when something exciting happens or just something in general. I want that guy in my life that I can ask how his day went and he can ask me. I want that person to cuddle with during a movie or go off and do something spontaneous with. But how do you start something knowing there's a chance you could be sick. That's what is holding me back. How can I consciously begin something when I know there's a chance. It may not be a big one, but there's still a chance. I don't want this to me happening, so how can I drag someone else into the equation? The answer is simple, I can't. So I tuck away the thoughts of a relationship and save them for another time. A time that I hope is closer rather than far off in the future. Because I want a chance at happiness.

There's No Rewriting the Past, Just Changing the Future..

How do you let go of the past when you're so sure it should be apart of your future. How do you just move on and let something go. After a year of no communication, the lines are broken and the talking begins. How do you know it's the right thing? Is it just because that's what we want? So many questions, yet so few answers. Did I take the right step or should there still be no communication? Am I just digging myself back into the hole that I had already filled? How do you know, how does anyone in that matter know? All I know is I missed you. I was doing fine until someone mentioned your name. Why did I do this? I'm only opening myself back up for hurt and let down. Why can't I just move on because I do want to. So bad it hurts. I just wish I could commit to it. Why can't I let you go? I need to move on start fresh but I can't if you keep reappearing and I am certainly not helping the situation at all. Why do I put myself through this? Why can I just leave the past behind? It's already written it can't be changed but the future can. And deciding not to make you apart of my future, would have been the right road. So why did I choose the wrong one, and let you back into my future? Specially when you clearly belonged in my past.

Wishing For a Normal Life..

So after long days of thinking I'm falling behind in the boyfriend or child department, I'm beginning to think how I'm missing out on life in general. And people are always telling me this like I don't know but I do. I know about all the fun and parties I'm missing. The truth is half the time it doesn't seem to bother me. Then other times it does and I just want to be a normal twenty year old. But somehow I don't believe that will ever happen. It's a nice wish but only that. A wish left unanswered. Just a wish.

Things that Stuck

Childhood nicknames. The rules that your grandparents set for you while you were visiting their house. Those silly little rules that parents and other adults give you to keep you safe. Things like not swimming for an hour after you eat, no running on concrete, wearing shoes on the wooden deck so you don't get splinters. It's silly little rules that stick and the things that never change. I found myself at my grandparent house for a barbecue recently. I had my cousins two little girls with me. I saw myself repeating the same little rules with them that adults had used in my life when I was little. Those little rules that I found so annoying, but they were just for my own good. As I had the girls inside to get them changed for the pool, I looked around the house. The same house that as a child seemed so big and magical to me now seemed to normal. It was just another house. But maybe it was the safety of the house. It was and is a safe place. Maybe that's all we are really looking for safety and reassurance. Because behind the things that stuck in life, is really just a sense of safety and reassurance. Maybe that's all everyone is looking for, just a little of it.

Life is Slipping Away...

All of a sudden I feel like life is passing me by. I'm surrounded by people that all know where they are headed. And I feel like I have no plans. No direction. My main goal was to not be sick because that is my life. I used to be full of life, dreams and wishes. I used to smile constantly, I was so positive and happy. Now I'm just trying to make it through life. Day by day. I'm tired and drained, I've lost my smile. I want the girl back that used to smile, the girl that cared about things. And as I sit or stand surrounded by people I still feel so alone. My thoughts are going crazy, I feel like I have so much to say; yet I find myself speechless. I'm just afraid life is going to pass me by and I'm going to miss everything.

Life is Ironic...

Ever think back to a time when life was simpler when something happens? When I was in my preteens, I remember being with friends and we were upset over our latest "break-ups". Those relationships were stupid, they only lasted a half a week to a week and a half. Yet, we would sit there upset and a silly quote always came to mind. "I wish I was a little kid again because skinned knees are easier to fix then broken hearts." But now as I sit here as a twenty year old. I think back to that time when I sat there and wished from skinned knees. I sit here today laughing and wishing for a broken heart. Because I currently have two very bad skinned knees and they hurt. Somehow I think a broken heart might not hurt as much..

Time to Let Go...

Two years have passed and my mom is still bringing up things that don't seem to matter. Or at least I don't think they should matter. Things like "we still never figured out how your one friend graduated with honors". Are you really going to bring that up? Does it bother you that she graduated with honors and I didn't? Because sometimes when you bring it up that's what it feels like. It makes me feel like I'm a failure. So I'm sorry if I act like it's no big deal because I don't think it is, and I don't want to talk about it. Right now I'm going through so much that you couldn't even possibly understand because I have yet to tell you. I'm not sure if I should tell you. Or even how to go about telling you. I mean you are my parents but I feel like I should spare you and not tell you. But then again what if it really does happen I'm not sure if you'll be mad for not knowing soon or being able to prepare yourselves. I don't seem to be able to do anything right these days, so this situation will probably fall in that category it's nothing new.

Where Am I Going..

I feel like everyone is going somewhere with their lives. I'm sitting here in my room today surrounded by everyone elses futures'. Hanging on my closet door is my brother's graduation gown, with his Honors sash and on my desk is his graduation cap and tie. His future awaits him, he's attending college in Maine..a whole other state and many hours away. He was smart, he's getting out of this house and town. Looking down at the floor beside my bed sit two bags full of little baby boy things for a good friends baby. She's due in August. She has things figured out to some point. And my best friend since sixth grade her and her boyfriend are looking for apartments. So I sit here and wonder what am I doing? Where am I going? I have no boyfriend and certainly have no plans of having children soon but I feel like these are things that should be happening soon. Considering I'm the oldest of all my friends. And the furthest behind.

I have been through more things in my life than I can count but I try not to let them hold me back. Yes, those things or events have greatly impacted my life but they have made me who I am today. I have accomplished and been through so much in this short amount of time that I have been alive. Never once did I stop and fully give up on something, I kept going even when I wanted to stop and throw in the towel. I graduated high school on time even being sick for the three out of four years I was there. I never let being sick hold me back, after long days at school followed but doctors appointment or long testing appointments I still managed to do all my homework or take part in school activities. I'm so sick of people judging me from what they see. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't done so great in school, so that I wouldn't have all this pressure on me for college. I'm smart I know that. But sometimes there's more to life than school. There's more to life than perfection. I should know. Because I am done being or trying to be perfect it's too much. It's not just being perfect academically it's life too. My parents act like I'm such a horrible child when I give them an attitude. I think they should just be grateful that they have a twenty year old daughter who is going to college, that doesn't drink or do drugs who out of all her friends is not having a baby. But apparently that's not enough. At what point should it be enough? Because I think that should be.

So everyone can go and say what they want to say. Think what you want to. Think that I'm too thin. Go for it I don't care because I know the truth. Think that I'm not good enough. It doesn't matter because I'm good enough for myself. At this point I don't care what anyone else thinks but me. Because I've reached my breaking point, if you keep pushing me the biggest secret of all is bound to come out.

Hidden Truths

I've become quite good at lying. It's sad actually. Very sad. The first two lies were to my grandmother and mother one right after the other. My grandmother asked about school and what grades I received this semester. I couldn't tell her that I hadn't earned a single A; especially since her and my grandfather pay my tuition. I heard the crack in her voice when I told her that I got one C, I couldn't and didn't want to hear what her voice may sound like when I told her I had gotten two C's and no A's. So I told her I got three B's, an A and a C. Then I continued the lie and told my mother the same exact thing.

They have always expected me to be this perfect person that I am far from. I can't live up to this level of perfection that they expect from me it's just too much for me to handle. It's not normal. I'm sorry it's just not. Straight A's always seemed to be expected from me, I learned very early on in life that even when I did amazing in school emotion would not be shown because it was expected. For my brother on the other hand, they had a ball. I remember turning and looking my mother's way one time after she congratulated my brother on a really good report card. She said, "Don't worry we are proud of you too but it's expected from you". After that I learned what I needed to accomplish in life. But deep down inside I've always known that I would never be good enough for her or my grandparents.

This past Christmas I had called my grandparents when I found out I got an A in Philosophy. Apparently, that's unheard of at my university. Students are grateful to get C's and pass. But I earned an A. I was so ecstatic that I called my grandparents to tell them. My grandmother said, "That's good". While my grandfather said to me, "I'm glad you are spending our money wisely". Then I remembered no matter what I do I will never be good enough for them. And that's just a fact.

The next lie well I guess isn't really a lie because my parents never bothered to ask but I wasn't very quick to want to share with them either. My parents don't know I found the report for my MRI; so they don't know that the radiologist's report said that my tumor could be benign or malignant. They just know that my doctor said it has changed since the last time it was checked. But if that were true, cancer would not have been mentioned. But I'm not bringing it up to them. I'm scared and I don't want cancer. I mean I know no one really wants cancer but I'm not ready for it. Plus my mom always tells me I worry too much, so I'm not going to worry and if I'm sick I'm sick. Maybe it's for the better. And it can't be my fault for not knowing because I'm not a doctor. I know it's very unlucky, I'm just not ready so that is one truth that I will keep buried for as long as I can.

Facing Reality

I'm tired of people expecting the world from me, I'm only one person. I'm not perfect I'm far from it. I've always done good in school and life. I'm a hard worker and because of that everyone always expects the best from me and nothing less. I hate the assumptions people make, sometimes I feel like it's not okay to be less than perfect or to get less than perfect grades. I'm tired of holding up this image of who I am. I want to make mistakes, I want to grow and learn from my mistakes. But instead I'm stuck playing this role of a girl who I may or may not be. I'm being judged by people who don't know me about who I may or may not be.

People always seem to be telling me I need to get out and have fun but they don't understand what it is like to be me. I've been sick since I was sixteen, I'm twenty now. Do they really think that I enjoy not going out? Do they really think that I want to spend my Friday and Saturday nights inside doing nothing? They don't know me, they don't know anything about me so how can they be so quick to judge. I've only been on one date in my life, do they think that is by choice? Because it really is not. I live with the cards that I have been dealt, as much as they suck. It's my life, I've learned to deal with it. But now I'm starting to wonder is this life worth living? Is this how my life is supposed to be? Am I always going to be sick? Maybe that's how my life is supposed to be, that this is the life I'm supposed to live maybe I should just accept it, but can I really?

The answer is that I don't think I can accept it. Yesterday, I got the report from my last MRI scan. Basically in fewer words than were used, they can't seem to decide if my tumor is benign or malignant(cancerous). I can't help but to think what I did wrong. The problem is I can't think of anything because I've always played by the rules. I've always been the good girl, I've always done what I was supposed to and what was expect of me. It's all just a little too ironic. For as long as I can remember, I have participated in Relay for Life; I've been helping fight the fight of cancer for those who couldn't fight for themselves, for those who continue to fight, for those who have won, and for those who were less fortunate and lost their battle to cancer. And now I sit here, scared for my life; the life that may be fighting the battle against cancer. I can't help but think why me but then I think why anyone for that matter? I know life is not fair trust me I'll be the first one to admit it. But where should the line be drawn?