Everyone always asks me what my major is. I tell them Math but before I get to tell them Education as well, they ask me what I want to do with Math. I tell them I want to be a Math teacher. I always get the same look, followed by the same response. There is no money in teaching, why not be an actuary or do something in finance. You could be a lawyer or doctor, where you can make a lot of money. But what they don't understand is I'm not going into teaching for the money. I'm going into it to make a difference, to inspire children, to make children want to learn.

Friday nights. Homework & Milkshakes. The sense of feeling some what accomplished. ohhh, friday nights.

One of My Many Loves...

The sights and smells. The hustle and bustle. The honking and screaming. The historical places and the celebrity known places. Times Square. Fashion Ave. New York Public Library. Central Park. The Subways. I love the city. Everything it is and will always be. Everything it has to offer. It never ceases to amaze me.

Just once I wanna be that girl...

What I hate the most in the world is that I can't be honest with you without you getting mad at me. You just don't listen, it has to be your way or nothing. You think I'm doing stuff just to spite you but the truth is I just want a voice in this. It's my life, they should be my decisions. But for some reason they aren't. You make them seem like they are but they aren't because you just push me into it and give give me a ultimatum. I'm just tired of it. I'm drained. I'm not going to winning, so I'm done fighting.

Making a Decision

It may seem like a stupid decision to most people but it's a big decision for me.

I promised myself almost 8 years ago that I would never drink because my mom was an alcoholic. I watched her rip my family apart and her struggle with alcohol. Her battle with staying sober or picking up the bottle again.

Well I'm 21 now, I have been since November. I have still yet to drink. I kind of want to but I have these thoughts in my head how being an alcoholic is in my genetics. When I think about drinking my mind plays back all the times she was drunk and I watched.

So I'm going to my friend's party tonight and I told her I'd pick up some stuff for her on the way. Do I wanna pick up something for me too? Probably not.

I wouldn't even know what to get not that, that even matters. But at the same time I'm really not sure I'm ready to drink. Do I just want it because everyone else is doing it?

When Lyrics Seem to Say It All...

These lyrics hit me today and they just describe me..

I always say the right things, at all the right times
I know I'm not the perfect girl, but for some reason I try
To be the one who's smiling and laughing, to make sure everyone's okay
I can push those tears back inside like an actress on the stage
But when the curtains fall away

I scream at the top of my lungs
Yeah, I come undone
I crash my broken glass when no one's around
I cry out In the silence I can take
To cover up the sound it makes when I let my heart break
I scream, I scream

It's parts from Scream by Katie Armiger.
It just describes me and how I'm feeling.
I have this song on repeat.

Just counting the days till I get to see you guys again. Until the three of us are back together causing trouble, going on pointless trips to Stop & Shop and just driving around for the heck of it. Visiting small towns and antique stores with rude snobby owners. Driving down backroads, listening to our mixed CDs, trying to get lost but failing miserably. But it's still all the fun it would be, if we had gotten lost. That's what I live for, looking forward to that gets me through the Spring Semester.

For those few summer months of sun and fun with you guys, it's my escape. Can't wait until I'm back with you guys because the truth is simple. A simple sentence composed of nine simple words.

I can only be me when I'm with you.

Just Wishing

Sometimes I wish I was that girl you seem to see so clearly. The horrible, disrespectful, disobedient, and ungrateful person that you see me as. Sometimes I wish so badly that I could just go out, drink a ton of tequila, and get wasted. But once again that voice in my head stops me because I promised myself I wouldn't turn into you. Although I don't think your poison of choice was tequila. So I wouldn't be exactly like you. But you did like to turn to the bottle when things got rough.

I wish what you said didn't matter so much to me, I really do. I wish I knew how to turn it off. But I can't or at least don't know how. You say the stupidest stuff and have a way of throwing things back in my face that makes me not want to talk to you more. You're a bitch. Plain and simple. You just make me so mad. You think you have the right to criticize me, guess again you don't! Don't talk about my body and how I eat because you don't know. You're never around so how could you. You judge my every move and you wonder why I don't like being home.

I'm looking for a loop hole, wishing for a loop hole, or anything really for that matter. Anything that will get me out of here. I'll take anything at this point it really doesn't matter to me anymore. That's also because of you and probably because of me too. I've let you break me down to nothing. I've let you take my spirit and break it. I looking for something stupid, something for me to grab onto for control. Trying to find anything really, a way out, something for me to control. I just need something to get me through, wishing for a way to get through this.