Some Randoms..

I've been listening to these two songs non-stop on replay. There's something about them that connected with me and parts of them really say how I'm feeling. First is a song I heard on the new tv show Nashville called Ho Hey which was originally sang by the Lumineers.

I really connected with these lyrics.

(Ho!)
(Hey!)
(Ho!)
(Hey!)

(Ho!) I've been trying to do it right
(Hey!) I've been living a lonely life
(Ho!) I've been sleeping here instead
(Hey!) I've been sleeping in my bed,
(Ho!) I've been sleeping in my bed
(Hey!)

(Ho!)

(Ho!) So show me family
(Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed
(Ho!) I don't know where I belong
(Hey!) I don't know where I went wrong
(Ho!) But I can write a song
(Hey!)

Then there's the song Better by Maggie Rose which I heard while laying out in my backyard trying to get some color. I really connected with these lyrics too.

But that's a road I don't wanna go back down
And I hate myself for what I'm thinkin' now
Hey, it's just one night, it's not like it's forever
I just want to feel better

I just want to feel good, feel alright
Feel anything but what I feel tonight
I just want to move on with my life
And put the pieces back together
I just want to feel better

I'm not sure why but these parts just feel like me. I feel so lost and confused at times, so unsure of where I belong. Then there's the second song which makes me think of the MS and the side effects from the Rebif. I know this song was about a broken up relationship or at least that's what I'm led to believe but these parts describe what I'm going through. I really just want to feel better and move on with my life. I know it's going to take time and that's hard but I'm in it for the long haul.

Just another test....

It should have been just another MRI. At least that's how it felt at first, but it wasn't. I'm not sure if it's because this is the first MRI I've had since I was diagnosed or what the reason was. All I know for sure is that it did not feel like just another MRI today.

Maybe it's because of the response I gave when the nurse asked me what the reason was that I was having this test done today. It's the first time I've responded by saying "I have MS". At least for an MRI or test. It's always been "My doctor thinks I might have MS" or "I'm being tested for MS" NOT "I have MS". She almost seemed shocked, she didn't know how to respond at first.

Then she proceeded to ask the normal questions: "Any chance you could be pregnant?", "Are you wearing any metal?Earrings?Any piercings, etc?". Nope. "You've done this a lot haven't you?" "Yeah, I'm a pro at MRI's now", I laughed back.

I laid in the MRI machine listening the to noises. One was a cross between a hammer and a wood pecker. Another I pictured the noise from Mario when he is running around collecting all the coins but doesn't earn the star. I tried to give a picture to every noise but couldn't.

This MRI was definitely different for me. I'm hoping that even though this experience was different that maybe my MRI stayed the same. Wishful thinking?

I found these pictures I call them old pictures. They are probably go back to 2005 or 2006. My hair looks so blonde and curly in this picture. Then next picture my hair is so brown (my natural color) and straight, such a difference. 

And then there was the model phase. Oh craziness. I thought I wanted to model so bad. My friends and cousins would take pictures of me. It's so funny looking back at them now. We would take pictures all over the place. We watched lots of America's Next Top Model. Lots of  "strike a poses". So young & naive back then.

Goodbye..

Today I cut the finally string between us and let go. I miss you. I miss whatever it was we had. I think it meant more to me then it did to you. I really hope you are happy with her. I want nothing but the best for you. Bye.

Once a Day

I'm always saying I grew up fast because of the MS. It's not a lie, I did grow up fast. I just don't think it was all the MS. I was eleven the first time I realized the reason behind my mom suddenly seeming different and out there. I realized after going through the DARE (Drugs Alcohol Resistance Education Program) that my mom drank. Her drinking had escalated by the time I was thirteen. I was left to help out around the house while she was in and out of rehabs. I was in charge of laundry, dinner, helping my brother with his homework, basically everything a thirteen year old shouldn't have to do. That's when I grew up.

The start of MS at sixteen only pushed me to grow up more. With all that going on I never really had the time to be a kid, to act silly.

So I've decided to take at least a few moments from my day to act silly. Because I missed out on it when I was younger but I'm not to old to act silly. Neither are you. So take some moments, act silly or do something for you. Something that will make you happy.

Life is a learning experience. Everyday we learn new things about not just the world but about ourselves as well. Today I realized somethings about myself:

1. I'm deathly afraid of being in the basement late at night.
2. I love blasting country music while I'm cooking.
3. I've always wanted kids but I really think I want to be a foster parent someday, maybe even adopt.

Words on the tip of your tongue. Thoughts flying out of your head. They were right there a second ago but now they are gone. As fast as they were there, they are *POOF*...gone. Like a snap of your fingers. They leave you wondering, what was I thinking? What word was I about to use? It makes life so difficult, you can try to explain to someone what you are thinking or the word you are trying to find but usually it is no help. It just makes you more frustrated, having people throw thoughts and words at you to try and help. You just want to pause time. Freeze things because the thoughts and words seem like they are right in front of you clear as day, you can picture them sometimes. But the words, the thoughts they never come. Just another day living life with MS.

Letting Go...

Today is ONE year since I was diagnosed with MS. I didn't let myself feel anything one year ago today. I acted like I was fine with everything but I wasn't. I pushed everything I was feeling aside, like maybe it would go away or something but I'm pretty sure that was just the denial. I had wanted answers so badly but couldn't handle what those answers really meant.

Well I wanted to make sure that today I could feel whatever I needed to feel. I would let myself laugh and cry. And just be me. I wanted to do something to release the disappointment I had in myself for not being able to "accept" this diagnosis in a years time. So today I did something just for me. I got 4 orange balloons, yeah that's right orange the MS color. I wrote all over the balloons. Positive sayings and just how I was feeling over the last year. I wrote how I'm going to be okay and that MS is not going to break me. I wrote about how I'm strong, crazy and how I haven't given up when there where so many times that I wanted to but I didn't. I kept going. I got back up when I fell. I wrote what I now believe is my motto: I refuse to sink, MS might change the way I do things but I will not let MS define me!

This has been one of the hardest years of my life but I made it through. I didn't do it alone I had lots of help. I was so quick to try planning and putting time limits on being okay and accepting MS. I promised myself that in a year I would be okay with having MS and everything would go back to normal. I was so disappointed in myself for breaking the promise I made to myself. But with the help of an awesome counselor, I know that it's okay that I haven't accepted this diagnosis yet and just moved on with my life like I thought I should. (My last should.) She taught me that everything can't be planned and that's okay. She helped me believe that I am strong and that I will get through this. She believed in me, helped me grow and showed me that it's okay to cry. I'm so grateful for that.

I also had some amazing friends helping me along the way. Some friends near but some very far away. But the distance didn't matter because they were always there for me like I hope to be for them. They listened to me cry and complain. They reassured me that things would be okay. They made me laugh till my face and stomach hurt when they knew I needed to laugh. I'm not sure what I would do without them.

 I officially embarked on this journey one year ago today but I think I've really been on this journey my whole life. It's not a new journey or even a new story just a change or added chapter in my life. A hard chapter. I know things won't be easy, nothing in life ever is but I'm up for the challenge. I'm even up for the change and boy do I hate change. But that's okay because I've grown so much this year and I know I can handle the change. I'm not going to give in to the unknown although at times I know I will want to. I know there are going to be times that I just want to cry because things seem so bad but that's okay. So what. I'll cry and grow from the experience. It can only make me stronger.


 Today I released so many emotions but those emotions have helped open my eyes. I truly believe that things will be okay and that this MonSter will not break me or my spirit.I can honestly say I'm proud of myself and the person I've grown to be today. I'm not so disappointed in myself because even though I broke one promise to myself I kept so many other silent unspoken promises I made to myself. I never gave up and I'm doing all I can to deal with this. I'm not hiding, I'm facing it. I'm not running anymore. I'm facing reality, no more unrealistic goals or promises, no more disappointment. This girl will eventually be okay. I've confronted my feelings not pushed them away. I'm ready to start accepting the diagnosis of MS or at least the process of trying to. Things might not be perfect but that's okay with me now. I'm living my life with imperfections.


Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me this last year and helped me through. It means so much to me.

Below is a video of me "letting go of my disappointments in myself and showing MS it won't bring me down" or "letting go of the balloons". LOL

Disappointment

I felt like I had five years to prepare for the diagnosis of MS. I was 16 when everything started, then went back to see my neurologist at 21. I knew what I was facing the minute I went back to the neurologist after hiding for 2 years thinking things would just go away.

I knew that going back meant the possibility of being diagnosed with MS. A year ago I thought that's what I wanted. Well not necessarily a diagnosis but answers. I wanted answers so bad. Answers that would show I'm not crazy. I made a silly stupid promise to myself. A promise I should have known wasn't realistic.

I promised myself that I would be okay after a year. Before I was even diagnosed, I told myself no matter what happens, even if I receive a diagnosis of MS things will be okay in a year. I was stupid to put a time limit on grieving and acceptance of something that feels so much bigger than me at times. I know it's not but sometimes it feels like that. I've been so disappointed in myself lately. Mostly for breaking my promise to myself. I just wish I could magically make everything okay. It's funny I thought I was so ready I just wanted answers but I wasn't thinking about everything that came along with those answers.

Everything became so real and overwhelming. I used to feel so alone in all of this but I know I'm not I have awesome friends that understand exactly what I'm going through. I'm so grateful for them.

As I write this the year deadline I gave myself is approaching fast. I'm trying to push that under the rug. I'm trying not to be so disappointed in myself because even though I broke this one promise to myself I kept so many other silent unspoken promises I made to myself. I never gave up and I'm doing all I can to deal with this. I'm not hiding, I'm facing it. I'm not running anymore. I'm facing reality, no more unrealistic goals or promises, no more disappointment. This girl will eventually be okay.

This time last year I was packing or unpacking at my aunts house. I was trying hard not to think about the doctor's appointment I had to go to in five days time. I feel like I was so much happier last year but that might of just been the denial. I was so determined that my life wouldn't changed but it already had in ways I didn't realize. Change is inevitable. At least that's what I'm learning, I'm trying hard not to fight it. I'm also trying to make changes myself so it doesn't exactly feel like its being done to me against my will.

So here's to accepting change and going with it. Here's to making my own decisions. Here's to living my life!