Today started out really bad but then I curled my hair, and it worked! Love curly hair!

What happens when the things you didn't think would ever happen become a reality? What happens when you think your spinal tap results would all be negative, at least that's what you kept telling yourself. But reality is something came out positive. You're not exactly sure what but you will be finding out soon.

June 6th. That's the day, where all the unknown aspects of your life will become known. That's when things become a reality.

So I've tried the whole keep my mouth shut and not complaining thing but it kind of sucks. Especially when everyone in your life has problems and they think their problems are so bad that the world is going to end. They brush mine off like it's no big deal. They have the attitude of oh so what you forget things, everyone forgets things, everyone's clumsy, so you have bad balance and oh your face is numb it's just pins and needles.

But it's not that everyone forgets things, clumsiness, bad balance, or numbness (or as everyone in my life likes to refer to it---its just pins and needles). It's a bit more serious then everyone thinks. It's not just this or that, it's everything. I only wish I had the stupid problems my friends or family have. I wish I could just throw on a knee brace and my injury or the pain would go away, because it's things like that, that my friends complain about. Okay, so you hurt your knee I would kill to have that as my biggest problem. Because honestly that can be fixed, throw a brace on, go to the doctor see what's wrong with it.

I can't put on a brace or take magic drugs to make my memory come back, to make my balance better or to even get rid of the numbness. I wish I could but I can't. So I'm sorry if I've run out of sympathy but some people have it so easy. If I could have their life I would try not to complain about the small stuff, I would be happy just to be in different shoes.

Just a little something, I've been working on in Photoshop. I wanted something to represent and remind myself of the qualities I want to keep in my life. The qualities that I admire in others, that I want to have.

Yesterday was one of my good days, aside from the fact that I was still battling off my headache from my latest spinal tap (lumbar puncture). But it was still a good day. I "met" someone who really understands. Someone who really gets everything I'm going through. Someone I can relate to. It's just a really amazing feeling knowing that you aren't alone out there in the world. That there's someone you can talk with, who happens to be going through very similar things. Someone that doesn't think you are crazy, lying or making things up because they do understand.

I joined MSWorld a few months ago, when I found out that my neurologist was seriously looking into MS. Yesterday, I really clicked with someone. I'm just happy to have found a new friend in her and that we can be there for each other. It's just a really good feeling.

The Unenviable Question

So because of everything that is going on, I go for a lot of medical tests. The one question other then the main ones of why are you having this test done and what symptoms do you have seems to be one that has to be ask several times before the person asking will believe your answer.

   "Is there any chance at all that you are pregnant?"

It makes me want to laugh every time. Because the truth is the answer is always going to be the same. No. But then they ask, are you positive that there is no chance at all, not even the slightest chance that you could be? I say No again. They ask once more and again I say No.

Every time they ask me that extra time after I have given the initial No what I really want to say is, "Not unless I'm the new virgin Mary."

Honestly because when you have spent as much time as I have dealing with doctors and tests and stuff along those lines instead of the normal teenager stuff being asked if there's a chance if you are pregnant is pretty fun.

Sometimes I want to say, I haven't had the chance  to get pregnant or No, there's definitely no chance that I'm pregnant because I'm a virgin. I want to explain to them and be like, "See when you've been seeing doctor's since you were sixteen like I have for possibly having MS, the furthest thing from your mind is dating and even further from your mind is having sex. So yes I'm positive that I'm not pregnant because I've never even dated. But if for some reason I am wrong and I am pregnant, you'll be the first to know that you have treated a girl who had a baby by immaculate conception.

It's just something I think about a lot and always think about. Should I just answer it with a No or should I lay it all out on the table for them? In case you are wondering, I always just say No...I've never laid it all out on the table for them.

Over the Years

So I got bored and decided to make a collage of picture of myself from over the years. This is a span of four years. From my senior year of high school to current. It's interesting just to look back and see how you have changed.

Here goes nothing...

 So it doesn't look like I'm getting out of having the Spinal Tap (Lumbar Puncture), not that I thought I would. So it's time to put on a brave face and do my best. Here goes nothing...

I know I may look tough and act strong. But the truth is I'm scared half to death and I'm not ready for tomorrow.

Quote of the Day

Sometimes things aren't as easy as solving for x. Sometimes you can't just add or subtract something to make everything right.

                                               -Me

Where's your truth?

If you asked me where I thought I'd at 21, where I am now would not be it. I thought my life would be so much different then it is now. I thought I would have had at least a couple boyfriends by now. I thought that I would be going out, staying out late, doing things that normal teenagers do. I thought I would be worrying about college and my career. I thought I would be worrying about my hair, and if this top goes with those bottoms. I thought I would be having my heart broken and breaking a few hearts. I thought I would be going out to bars celebrating that I'm 21 by having a few drinks. But the truth is I'm nowhere near there.

The truth is at the age of 21, I've never had a boyfriend. I'm not going out with friends and staying out late. I'm not doing normal things that teenagers do like going to clubs, concerts, and other things along those lines. I'm not worrying about college and my career as much as I thought I would. I'm not worrying about having perfectly straight hair or perfect waves or perfect bouncy curls. I'm not worrying about makeup or clothes. I've never really had my heartbroken because how can you have your heartbroken by someone you were crazy about but didn't know. And I definitely have not been breaking any hearts. I'm certainly not going out to bars drinking with friends.

The truth is at the age of 21, I've spent more time worrying about doctor's appointments and medical tests than boys and friends. The truth is the things I thought I'd be doing I know very little about. The truth is I know more about doctor's and different medical tests than most people my age. The truth is I used to be okay with all of that.

But now the truth is I'm not. I'm going for my second spinal tap or lumbar puncture tomorrow. I thought I was okay with it. But now I find myself, wanting to get out of it. I've been crying myself to sleep the past few nights just thinking about the spinal tap. I'm so  scared. I'm scared to death that something is going to go wrong. But more than that I think I'm scared to see what the results are going to say. The truth is I thought I was ready for all of this but I'm not. Honestly, what 21 year old could be okay and ready for all of this?

Motions

Do you ever find yourself at the end of the day, not really knowing how you got there or what you did? Those are what my days have been like lately for the last few months. It's like my body is just going through the daily routine I set up for myself. I do what I have to and at the end of the day, it's just another end. I feel like I never really lived during the day. I just went through the motions.

I'm about to be a senior in college. Although I won't be graduating next year because I have to go an extra year, it doesn't feel like I've been in college for three years already. I barely remember being in high school for the allotted four years and graduating from there. It was all just time that pasted, just like these last few months. It was just time passing, never living just passing.

I saw this on a friend's status and I really liked it.

Hard to explain to someone who has no clue. Or doesn't believe you. It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (Pancreatitis, Crohns / Colitis, PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, LUPUS, Fibromyalgia, MS, ME, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Epilepsy, Autism, M.D. Evans Syndrome etc.) Never judge what you don't understand.

There are times I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face ready to face the day. There are others where I wake up and just want to go to back to bed. I have my good days and my bad days. Lately more bad than good. This whole diagnosis process, seems to be the longest thing that has ever happened in my life. I just want answers, I want this to change. This is all just becoming a lot to handle. I felt so prepared but now I just don't even know, this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. You can prepared yourself all you want but when it's right there in your face all that preparation seems to disappear. You're left in a cloud of confusion and this feeling of nothingness. I keep thinking I'm only 21, I have so much left to do and I have so much that I have yet to do. Things like dating and boyfriends, things like really living. I know that MS is not a death sentence and I know that I haven't been officially diagnosed. But I can't help but thing why me and then I feel bad because why anyone.

No one asks for this, no one wants this. I get jealous of the people I know, that weren't diagnosed till later in life. Same symptoms, same issues. It hurts because they didn't have the problems I had until they were much older. Maybe it's silly, maybe its selfish. But sometimes I just wish these symptoms hadn't showed up until after college, after I found the love of my life (if I have a love of my life) and until after I had kids. I just don't know if I'm ready to accept this.

Isn't sad when you get hurt so much or when certain things happen, you can finally say "I'm used to it".

Does Life Ever Get Any Easier?

There are times at which I would like to believe that life does get easier. Sadly I know the truth, life never really does get easier. At least for me it hasn't. People never grow up, they just don't care. I wish I could say that life gets easier with time..but I don't like to lie and I don't want to tell a lie..

I really wish you would act like an adult for once. I understand that things are hard. I understand that you were an alcoholic and you overcame that. But enough is enough. You need to grow up and start acting like an adult. Stop playing these games and start doing something.