Thoughts from the Heart

I'm so sick of all of this. The lies, the fakeness, the fake smiles, and the lines of everything's going to be okay. Cause everything's not going to be okay. So stop lying to me because you're trying to protect me. All you're doing is hurting me. The sudden shock of finding out that you've been going to seminars and stuff for MS behind my back only makes it worse. Specially since it was during an appointment with my specialist. There's no reason to hide it from me. This is my future after all. I just want people to be upfront with me. Be honest. Don't lie or hide things from me. It only makes things seem worse then they are.

I'm so sick of people telling me that things could so much worse. To me things are pretty much as bad as they are going to get. Seriously, I understand that there are bad things out there in the world like cancer and other terminal illnesses. I understand that MS is not one of them but this is a whole switch up in my life. It's like a sudden change the batting line up. All I've ever wanted was to have a normal life. But I've been dealing with this since I was 16 so I never really got that and now I have to strong. I've always been strong, I need time to be able to break down and not be so strong. I need to be able to get upset about this. People are telling me that this isn't the end of the world. I also understand that. It's just that I'm only 21. I just feel like there is so much I haven't done. It makes me so upset.

Would it really be so wrong for me to be upset about this?

I never wanted things to change, that was my biggest fear. It makes me so mad that my Mom is treating me differently. She just needs to stop. There are no words.

This diagnosis has made me realize everything I've missed out on during the five year process. Things like high school dances, junior prom, friends, dating and boyfriends. Ive been on one date and I've never had a boyfriend. I thought there would be time when this was all over and everything came out fine but everything wasn't fine. I feel like I've missed out on so much and time is just slowly slipping away from me. Id give anything to get that back, because those memories cant be recreated or replaced you only have one chance I lost that chance.

That moment where for the first time in the past five years, when the secretary asks whats the reason for the appointment and you admit to someone, "I have MS". Its a quick change but one you didn't expect. You've gone from saying my doctor thinks I have MS to I have Ms. Things are starting to sink in...

I feel like a horrible friend but my sympathy is running very thin. I'm pulling  away because I'm jealous of your stupid little problems. I wish my biggest problems were with not getting invited to a party or because a guy didn't like me. Or even because someone didn't text me back. Seriously, I'd kill for that.

Because right now I'm dealing with trying to find specialists and picking out how many times a week I want to take injections. I'm going to have to learn how to stab myself to give myself medicine. So I'm sorry if I can't handle your problems because they seem so stupid to me.

Okay so here goes nothing. I cannot stand when people who have no idea what I am going through and do not understand at all tell me that everything is going to be fine or alright. I'm sorry but in what world is your definition of fine or alright does it say that a 21 year old being diagnosed with MS and having to give herself injections is fine or alright. Because honestly it does not sound fine to me at all. I get that there's nothing I can do to change the situation I am in and I'm trying so hard to be okay with it. But it's going to take some time. I know I've had 5 years to get used to the idea but getting used to the idea and actually receiving a diagnosis are two totally different things.

Another thing, if you're going to lie to people about my condition then just tell them I'm fine. Don't make up this, that and the other thing because I can't keep track of it and then it makes me look like I'm lying. I don't like having to remember a thousand different stories and changes every time I go to the doctor. I mean you are already lying to begin with just tell them I'm fine and call it a day, it's not like you are ever going to tell them the truth anyway. It's just so frustrating.

This whole thing just really sucks.

I have Multiple Sclerosis or MS. I kind of thought that maybe my neurologist would be wrong but my spinal tap came out positive for some protein that I guess helps to diagnose MS. This kind of sucks. I feel like I'm too young for this to be happening.  I don't even know what else to say, I think I'm still in shock.

Summer Goals

So I decided I wanted to do something a little different. At the start of each New Year, people makes lists of resolutions and goals for themselves that never get completed. Okay so maybe not never but most of the list will not be completed, they will start off doing one or two things and then it will be forgotten.

I decided I wanted to have some goals for the Summer but nothing crazy of course. Here they are:

1. Have as much fun with my aunts as I can
2. Read as many books as I can
3. Try something new
4. Try to update my stories more on Fanfiction

That's all I can think of for now, may be I'll add some more later.

Wow, weird thing just happened I almost went to vent on a site I've been on since I was like thirteen maybe young. It's some magazine site with boards. Anyway, I'm typing up my post and I was trying to figure out how to spell Google, was it two o's or two g's. So I go into my account and look and I've already posted about what I was typing the new post about.

Can you say wow my memory is bad?? Cause I can! I seriously don't even remember writing or posting the post either..so weird. Wednesday can't come fast enough.