Eyes Wide Open

A couple weeks ago, I saw yet another specialist. That specialist confirmed once and for all that I have MS. Since then I've had this decision looming over my head. Did I want to go on an oral medication that has side effects that could possibly effect my stomach or an inject-able medication that someone told me had left dents in her legs? I've been going back and forth in my mind between the two medications.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stomach issues that I could possibly have from the oral medication because I already have enough stomach problems. Therefore, I had been leaning towards the inject-able medication, the side effects didn't seem awful..they actually seemed manageable. That was until my friend had told and showed me the dents that were left in her legs after the injections.

That little bit of information had me second guessing wanting to go on this medication. I couldn't help but think I don't want dents in my legs, no guy is ever going to want me with those dents, and the various other thoughts that filled my mind. The thoughts were so superficial, I was so worried about my appearance that I had forgotten about all the other parts of myself.

Today, my eyes were opened. I was shopping at Kohl's and there was this little girl sitting in cart, she couldn't of been more than four years old. She seemed like she was having a really good time with her mom. I looked up from the clothes rack and the little girl looked at me and said "You're gorgeous". Those two words coming out of the mouth of this little girl blew me away. A few minutes later, she looked at me again and said "I love your hair".

It might sound silly to you but to me it felt like God was speaking through this little girl. I'd been struggling with the decision to go on a medication that could alter my appearance in some way. But that little girl opened my eyes today, her words brought me to the realization that appearance really doesn't matter. Yes, it felt good to hear her say that "I'm gorgeous" but I feel like she saw more than just my outer ward appearance...I feel like she saw my soul.

I never talk about myself like this because I really don't have a ton of self confidence but she gave me confidence. She made me see myself in another light. It was a truly beautiful and eye opening experience for me. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason that we were both in that store, in the same department at the same time.

I'm seeing myself just a little through her eyes, trying to see what it is that she saw that God so desperately wanted me to see. She may never realize the impact she had on me but she made such a difference in my life today. My wish for that little girl is that she will grow up to see herself through the same set of eyes that she saw me in. I feel truly blessed that God chose that moment to show me not only the way but a little bit of myself through this beautiful, innocent little girl.

Two years ago this month, I walked into what at the time was a new doctors office to me. Little did I know that it wouldn't be the last specialists office that I would walk into. At the time, I thought this is it...this is the last doctor. I'm going to get off this medication and switch to something else.

Two years ago this month, I heard words that I never thought I would ever hear. "I'm almost 99.9% sure that you don't have MS...there's nothing I can do for you." Some may think well that's a good thing right? And I guess it would be if not for the symptoms I experience. Deep down I knew something was wrong and I was pretty sure that something was MS.

Since that day, I've lived in so much fear and anxiety. Fear that I would get worse before they figured things out. Fear that they might not figure out what was wrong with me. Fear that I would end up giving in to the unknown and once again give up my fight for a diagnosis. I struggled a lot with wanting to just pretend that things were okay. Pretend that I hadn't lost my vision for a short period of time. 

Two years ago, I was overwhelmed with the fear, anxiety and the roller-coaster of ups and downs that I had taken a seat on. I could have let that take over me but I didn't. Today I'm grateful that I didn't give up. I'm grateful that I sought out other doctors and that I listened to them. I'm grateful that they saw what that doctor didn't see. I'm grateful that they referred me to other doctors within the neurology specialty when they needed to.

If I had given up that day, I wouldn't have the relief I have today. Today, I'm not overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. Today, I'm full of relief, the relief of having answers. Two days ago, I saw yet another specialist. He confirmed what I think I deep down already knew. I have MS. I'm so grateful that I didn't give up and have answers.

To those of you out there still stuck and being pulled down in what seems like quicksand don't give up. I know things may be really hard right now, trust me I understand. I've been there more times than I would have liked. But I do know things will get better. They may not be better in an hour, a day, a week or even a month. I know we want situations fixed quickly but I've learned that unfortunately that's not always reality. . Yes, it took me two years to get here but if I had given in and given up. I'd still be sinking. Hang in there because some day the sand won't feel so thick and overwhelming-ness of the situation will be gone. Hang in there because trust me if you don't your going to be missing out on so much. Trust me, things will get better. Have faith.