I'm not sure if it was because I was numb (emotional) before, just not feeling anything, or if it was because I had myself surrounded by a fortress of thick brick walls. Whatever the case may be I want to go back to that, to not feeling or whatever protection I had built up around me.

Growing up in the alcoholic family that I did, I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut and my feelings inside. I learned that sharing those feelings or asking for something I needed emotionally, would only result in getting yelled at. I learned to stuff my feelings inside, hide the hurt and pain and act like everything was okay. Everything wasn't okay but I was dealing. I wasn't feeling but that was okay because I wasn't feeling the hurt.

Maybe it was the counseling and working through my diagnosis that broke down my walls. In order to work through my diagnosis I had to be able to feel my emotions. I had to be able to let myself get upset, cry, be angry, and the thousand other feelings I had as a result of my diagnosis.

Opening myself up to deal with the diagnosis, I think really meant opening up entirely. Not exactly something I realized at the time but I'm realizing that now. The memories, the feelings, and everything I needed that I had stuffed down deep inside was and is now free to come out. And boy did it come out or at least up. Everything I had stuff down, tried to forget and hidden is coming out. I'm feeling it all now. Honestly, it doesn't feel good at all, it feels horrible. I want it all to go away, stuff it back down inside. Maybe I'm not as ready to deal with all of this as I thought I was.

Scattered Pieces

I feel so all over the place, my thoughts are spread out all over the place and can't keep them straight. It's almost as if a tornado has ripped through my life, picking up my thoughts and sprinkling them everywhere leaving a trail of destruction and confusion.

I've tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted me to be. Long ago I realized I will never be the daughter you have dreamed up in your mind. No matter what I do nothing ever seems to be good enough for you and no matter what I'm always wrong. I filled my life with the choices you wanted me to make, they never quite did feel right. But I made them with the hopes that if I made those choices you'd want me, accept me, or love me. I never felt the love I needed from you.

I never did get what I needed from you and I've spent so much time blaming you for that, at least I think. I'm learning that it wasn't something you could give me but that's still hard to grasp. Mostly because I've watched you give my brother what you couldn't give me. How could you give to him and not to me? And now you are dangling wanting to be there in front of my face only to keep ripping it away. I'm not sure why I keep falling for this.

To make up for not having you, I got attached to other people in my life...trying to fill this void I have. And while yes it has helped a bit, it still hurts like hell that my own mother can't be there for me. Even more so it hurts because I don't want you there anymore. I'm done letting myself be hurt by you. I've been hurt enough, I have a lifetime of hurt and pain. I've been broken and feel broken in so many ways. I have all of these feelings yet I feel so extremely empty. Wishing I could hit the rewind button and step out of the tornado's path.

Truth is...

I struggle with relationships...all relationships. I mean not so much friendships, there's some problems there I guess but mainly romantic relationships. I guess that's what I can call them.

I'm afraid of getting attached, so I pull away. I've been hurt more times than I can count or for that matter even really remember. I've been hurt by guys but also by the people in my life that I thought were never supposed to hurt me. I'm so far from perfect. I don't want to make the same mistakes and hurt someone like I've been hurt. But there's so much in me that is telling me to run the other way. Telling me to get out before you get hurt. Telling me that I'm not ready...I can feel it in every fiber of my being.

It's hard to want something you know you aren't ready for.

Where are you?

It's been a while since I've blogged last and I miss it. The lack of blogging isn't because I have nothing to say, perhaps it's because I have too much to say. I have so many thoughts going around in my mind and I'm finding it hard to set them straight. Everything is mixed and jumbled, I want so bad to blog about a particular issue going on in my life at the current moment. But I just can't seem to get the words to move in the way I need them to, down to my fingers to type words onto the page. I'm hoping that the clear words will come soon and that I'll be able to blog once again.