I was 24 and you were just trying to make me happy. I wasn't ready to be happy as silly as that sounds. I was living in a toxic environment just trying to hold myself together. Happiness wasn't on the horizon and survival was the only thing on my mind.
No one had ever put me first before themselves but you did and that didn't make sense to me. I see now that you were trying to live life with me. You were trying to give me life experiences, it was exactly what I didn't know I needed.
You spoke about the future and made plans for us but I was scared. There were so many factors in play.
I knew when you said you'd be there for me no matter what, that you meant it and that scared me too. No one had really been there for me before, not even people who were supposed to. So how could someone who hadn't known me that long, be there. But you were and you waited as long as you could.
And now what seems like a second chance might be possible in the future, at least that's what I hear from your friends. If I really have a second chance, I want my firsts to be with you. I don't want them to be with someone else but am I silly for waiting around for what might be? I'm already stuck on the what could have been. Should I really be jumping on the what might be wagon?
If I could do it all again, I wish I could say I'd make different decisions. But the decision to walk away from us and what we could have been was probably the best decision I could have made. I was so messed up and I'm not sure a relationship would have survived everything I was going through. If it did I may have just pushed you farther away, at least you are still in my life as a friend. I want you to be happy so I truly hope you're happy with her and that she treats you the way you should be treated. Because you are an amazing guy and you deserve the world.
I need to let you go, as much as I still want to hold on its time to let go. Everyone has regrets in their lives, you are my biggest regret.
