Perfection doesn't exist

She wants perfection, the picture perfect daughter. She always has. There's no such thing as perfection, I'm far from it. But now I think reality maybe sinking in for her even if it's just a little. The reality that in a few short weeks I'm going to be gone. She's lost her chance to be my mom in its fullest capacity.

It was a chance that I had given up on long ago. Yes it would have been nice to have the mother daughter relationship that I've read about in books, watched in movies, and the kind I've written about. That ship has long since sailed away, out into the deep blue yaunder.

I can tell she is maybe starting to feel bad that she is losing me or her chance I can't tell which. She's trying to buy my love but if she knew me she'd know that I can't be bought.

Thank you

As I reflected on my life and what I didn't have, I realized how truly grateful I am for what I do have and the people in my life who do care.

Thank you to the woman who lets me talk to her about my bad interviews and awkward dates. Who lets me share my fears and tells me when I really have nothing to worry about but listens to my worries anyway. The woman who tries anything to distract me when I come to her scared about something.

The one who I can text when I'm upset, who will let me come over if she's home and will give me the biggest squeeze me to death hugs. The one who has been laughing with me lately. The one I can just be silly with. The one who will just sit with me even if I'm not saying much of anything (which is totally the case sometimes).

For teaching me how to curl my hair. For taking the time to teach me stuff in general no matter what it may be. For introducing me to new experiences. For reassuring me that it's okay to cry and to feel my feelings. For believing in me and teaching me to believe and have confidence in myself. For being proud of me and telling me so.

For showing me that I am capable of doing more than I think I am. For comforting me when I go to her upset and celebrating with me when I go to her with good news. 

Thank you for being someone I can trust and showing me that it is possibly to trust. Thank you for being always being a role model, giving me someone to look up to as an example of what I wanted to be like. Thank you for being a friend. I know you're not my mom but thank you for being a mom like figure in my life for doing things a mom may do. Most of all thank you for just being there.