Too Little Answers & Questions Left Unanswered

I thought things would be easier after my diagnosis, I thought the first year would be the hardest just getting used to the fact that I had MS and adjusting to everything that meant. But that's nothing compared to this.

I never wanted MS, who does? I wanted answers and the diagnosis of MS gave me answers, all the answers I needed. Things finally made sense. I didn't fully accept the fact that I had MS because I don't think that's something you ever fully accept. But it's something you learn to live with because it means you're not crazy and what you are going through is real. It made everything seem okay. But now my diagnosis of MS is unsure and I'm left with no real answers.

In the past I've put my life on hold waiting for answers. I'm not going to do that anymore because I've realized I may never have definite answers. I may never have a definite diagnosis of MS, for now on it may always be a "possible MS" or it could be some other illness. All I know for sure is what I'm going through and my symptoms. I know those are real. It's still hard though, not having answers to my questions. At times I'd like nothing more than pretending like I'm fine and nothing's wrong but I can't. I may be tired of being sick and having no answers but I will make it through. One step at a time, even if my questions remain unanswered. This is just one twist in the road that I didn't expect.

I feel so broken. I keep thinking a lot about my counseling appointment on Wednesday. My counselor asked me what I liked about my Cognitive Psychology class the most. I liked everything about it but I really liked being able to apply things to myself. The first in particular meta-cognition, thinking about your thinking. I was tell her about this puzzle we had to solve in the beginning of the year and how I was too focused on parts of it that I couldn't see the whole thing. I realized in order to solve it I had to look at the whole thing.

Then we applied this to my life. She brought up a point that's kind of been stuck with me. I've been so focused on figuring out whats going on with parts of myself, I haven't looked at the whole picture. I've had problems with my central nervous system, my ovaries and menstrual cycle, had two organs removed (granted--I didn't really need them anyways) and some other things. I've always focused on making on part of my health better at a time but what if I going about it all wrong? What if it's not just my central nervous system....what if there's something wrong with me all around?

All or Nothing

I've never had a good relationship with my mom, well at least as far back as I can remember. And I can really only remember my time with her starting when I was in 5th grade. 5th grade happened to coincidentally coincide with the first time I realized my mom was an alcoholic. I never really felt like she was there for me.

Even now, it's like she only wants to be around for the happy stuff and when things get rough she can't be bothered. She shouldn't get the option to be around for just the good but for some reason she seems to. That's not fair to me, I don't get the choice to poof myself away when things get bad and simply enjoy the good. She has to be there to support me for the good and the bad. She has to be there for it all. But I don't think she can which doesn't seem to bother because she doesn't really support at all. So when it comes down to all or nothing. I think she already made her decision, as hard as a realization it is for me. I'm letting go of the fantasy of her being a real mom. Because she clearly chose nothing.