Life is Slipping Away...

All of a sudden I feel like life is passing me by. I'm surrounded by people that all know where they are headed. And I feel like I have no plans. No direction. My main goal was to not be sick because that is my life. I used to be full of life, dreams and wishes. I used to smile constantly, I was so positive and happy. Now I'm just trying to make it through life. Day by day. I'm tired and drained, I've lost my smile. I want the girl back that used to smile, the girl that cared about things. And as I sit or stand surrounded by people I still feel so alone. My thoughts are going crazy, I feel like I have so much to say; yet I find myself speechless. I'm just afraid life is going to pass me by and I'm going to miss everything.

Life is Ironic...

Ever think back to a time when life was simpler when something happens? When I was in my preteens, I remember being with friends and we were upset over our latest "break-ups". Those relationships were stupid, they only lasted a half a week to a week and a half. Yet, we would sit there upset and a silly quote always came to mind. "I wish I was a little kid again because skinned knees are easier to fix then broken hearts." But now as I sit here as a twenty year old. I think back to that time when I sat there and wished from skinned knees. I sit here today laughing and wishing for a broken heart. Because I currently have two very bad skinned knees and they hurt. Somehow I think a broken heart might not hurt as much..

Time to Let Go...

Two years have passed and my mom is still bringing up things that don't seem to matter. Or at least I don't think they should matter. Things like "we still never figured out how your one friend graduated with honors". Are you really going to bring that up? Does it bother you that she graduated with honors and I didn't? Because sometimes when you bring it up that's what it feels like. It makes me feel like I'm a failure. So I'm sorry if I act like it's no big deal because I don't think it is, and I don't want to talk about it. Right now I'm going through so much that you couldn't even possibly understand because I have yet to tell you. I'm not sure if I should tell you. Or even how to go about telling you. I mean you are my parents but I feel like I should spare you and not tell you. But then again what if it really does happen I'm not sure if you'll be mad for not knowing soon or being able to prepare yourselves. I don't seem to be able to do anything right these days, so this situation will probably fall in that category it's nothing new.

Where Am I Going..

I feel like everyone is going somewhere with their lives. I'm sitting here in my room today surrounded by everyone elses futures'. Hanging on my closet door is my brother's graduation gown, with his Honors sash and on my desk is his graduation cap and tie. His future awaits him, he's attending college in Maine..a whole other state and many hours away. He was smart, he's getting out of this house and town. Looking down at the floor beside my bed sit two bags full of little baby boy things for a good friends baby. She's due in August. She has things figured out to some point. And my best friend since sixth grade her and her boyfriend are looking for apartments. So I sit here and wonder what am I doing? Where am I going? I have no boyfriend and certainly have no plans of having children soon but I feel like these are things that should be happening soon. Considering I'm the oldest of all my friends. And the furthest behind.

I have been through more things in my life than I can count but I try not to let them hold me back. Yes, those things or events have greatly impacted my life but they have made me who I am today. I have accomplished and been through so much in this short amount of time that I have been alive. Never once did I stop and fully give up on something, I kept going even when I wanted to stop and throw in the towel. I graduated high school on time even being sick for the three out of four years I was there. I never let being sick hold me back, after long days at school followed but doctors appointment or long testing appointments I still managed to do all my homework or take part in school activities. I'm so sick of people judging me from what they see. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't done so great in school, so that I wouldn't have all this pressure on me for college. I'm smart I know that. But sometimes there's more to life than school. There's more to life than perfection. I should know. Because I am done being or trying to be perfect it's too much. It's not just being perfect academically it's life too. My parents act like I'm such a horrible child when I give them an attitude. I think they should just be grateful that they have a twenty year old daughter who is going to college, that doesn't drink or do drugs who out of all her friends is not having a baby. But apparently that's not enough. At what point should it be enough? Because I think that should be.

So everyone can go and say what they want to say. Think what you want to. Think that I'm too thin. Go for it I don't care because I know the truth. Think that I'm not good enough. It doesn't matter because I'm good enough for myself. At this point I don't care what anyone else thinks but me. Because I've reached my breaking point, if you keep pushing me the biggest secret of all is bound to come out.

Hidden Truths

I've become quite good at lying. It's sad actually. Very sad. The first two lies were to my grandmother and mother one right after the other. My grandmother asked about school and what grades I received this semester. I couldn't tell her that I hadn't earned a single A; especially since her and my grandfather pay my tuition. I heard the crack in her voice when I told her that I got one C, I couldn't and didn't want to hear what her voice may sound like when I told her I had gotten two C's and no A's. So I told her I got three B's, an A and a C. Then I continued the lie and told my mother the same exact thing.

They have always expected me to be this perfect person that I am far from. I can't live up to this level of perfection that they expect from me it's just too much for me to handle. It's not normal. I'm sorry it's just not. Straight A's always seemed to be expected from me, I learned very early on in life that even when I did amazing in school emotion would not be shown because it was expected. For my brother on the other hand, they had a ball. I remember turning and looking my mother's way one time after she congratulated my brother on a really good report card. She said, "Don't worry we are proud of you too but it's expected from you". After that I learned what I needed to accomplish in life. But deep down inside I've always known that I would never be good enough for her or my grandparents.

This past Christmas I had called my grandparents when I found out I got an A in Philosophy. Apparently, that's unheard of at my university. Students are grateful to get C's and pass. But I earned an A. I was so ecstatic that I called my grandparents to tell them. My grandmother said, "That's good". While my grandfather said to me, "I'm glad you are spending our money wisely". Then I remembered no matter what I do I will never be good enough for them. And that's just a fact.

The next lie well I guess isn't really a lie because my parents never bothered to ask but I wasn't very quick to want to share with them either. My parents don't know I found the report for my MRI; so they don't know that the radiologist's report said that my tumor could be benign or malignant. They just know that my doctor said it has changed since the last time it was checked. But if that were true, cancer would not have been mentioned. But I'm not bringing it up to them. I'm scared and I don't want cancer. I mean I know no one really wants cancer but I'm not ready for it. Plus my mom always tells me I worry too much, so I'm not going to worry and if I'm sick I'm sick. Maybe it's for the better. And it can't be my fault for not knowing because I'm not a doctor. I know it's very unlucky, I'm just not ready so that is one truth that I will keep buried for as long as I can.

Facing Reality

I'm tired of people expecting the world from me, I'm only one person. I'm not perfect I'm far from it. I've always done good in school and life. I'm a hard worker and because of that everyone always expects the best from me and nothing less. I hate the assumptions people make, sometimes I feel like it's not okay to be less than perfect or to get less than perfect grades. I'm tired of holding up this image of who I am. I want to make mistakes, I want to grow and learn from my mistakes. But instead I'm stuck playing this role of a girl who I may or may not be. I'm being judged by people who don't know me about who I may or may not be.

People always seem to be telling me I need to get out and have fun but they don't understand what it is like to be me. I've been sick since I was sixteen, I'm twenty now. Do they really think that I enjoy not going out? Do they really think that I want to spend my Friday and Saturday nights inside doing nothing? They don't know me, they don't know anything about me so how can they be so quick to judge. I've only been on one date in my life, do they think that is by choice? Because it really is not. I live with the cards that I have been dealt, as much as they suck. It's my life, I've learned to deal with it. But now I'm starting to wonder is this life worth living? Is this how my life is supposed to be? Am I always going to be sick? Maybe that's how my life is supposed to be, that this is the life I'm supposed to live maybe I should just accept it, but can I really?

The answer is that I don't think I can accept it. Yesterday, I got the report from my last MRI scan. Basically in fewer words than were used, they can't seem to decide if my tumor is benign or malignant(cancerous). I can't help but to think what I did wrong. The problem is I can't think of anything because I've always played by the rules. I've always been the good girl, I've always done what I was supposed to and what was expect of me. It's all just a little too ironic. For as long as I can remember, I have participated in Relay for Life; I've been helping fight the fight of cancer for those who couldn't fight for themselves, for those who continue to fight, for those who have won, and for those who were less fortunate and lost their battle to cancer. And now I sit here, scared for my life; the life that may be fighting the battle against cancer. I can't help but think why me but then I think why anyone for that matter? I know life is not fair trust me I'll be the first one to admit it. But where should the line be drawn?