No Regrets

Deep down I've always dreamed of having that best friend, amazing mother and daughter relationship. You know that relationship where you can be open and honest, tell each other everything. But I don't have that with her and I say her because I don't think of her as a mother. I mean don't get me wrong for all intents and purposes she is a mother but she isn't a mom, at least not to me. That has nothing to do with the fact that we don't have the relationship that I wanted to have with her but everything to do with she wasn't a mom.

I've seen a lot of quotes along the lines of "You made me who I am today. And since there will never be words powerful enough to express my gratitude. I just thought I'd say thank you."  And tears spring to my eyes when I read quotes and sayings like that. We don't have that relationship. Our relationship is minimal. I am who I am because of me and the positive role models I've had in my life, not her. I wish I could say I want to be like her when I grow up but that's a lie. I hold my breath when someone says you are just like your mom because I've worked for what seems like my whole life to not be like her.

In my eyes she ultimately had the choice to have a relationship with me but that includes everything the good and the bad. She chose nothing. That hurts but I know it's not my fault because I've tried the best I could. I gave it all I had but I'm done trying.

I'm trying to let go of my expectations because ultimately they are hurting me more than anything else. It's just hard to let go of something you wanted but there's not realize to dwell on something that will never be. Here's to moving on and trying to live with no regrets.

Roll the Dice

No one wants to be sick, so I'm not sure why this is so hard. I want to cry all the time because I have no idea how to feel. I want to be happy about the possibility of not having MS but it scares me because then i have no idea what is really wrong with me. I try not to think about it but I can't help it. I feel like my world has changed again. I don't want to sit and dwell on it but I also don't want to pretend like it's not happening.

I feel like I know the move I need to take. It just doesn't seem like the move I want to make but deep down I know it's the right one. It's like when you are playing Monopoly and you land on Park Place, some how its a sense of comfort. You don't want to roll the dice and move from that spot. I have to take the move forward and take the chance because ultimately this will be good for me. But the one thing I know for sure is that I can't do this alone. I need back up and support, someone to help me stay grounded. All of which I know I will not be getting from my family. Some random thoughts and feelings I've been having lately. Just another part of my journey.

Family Hiatus

I need one of those. I'm 23 and one of the most mature and responsible people you could meet. Although my family never seems to see that. To my family I'm immature and irresponsible. I'm so sick of being questioned about every decision and choice I make. I'm sick of being questioned about my ability to do things like taking care of my dad. Everyone acts as if I'm incapable, an idiot or something along those lines. I'm not an idiot and I am very capable. And I feel as though I can't talk freely about any of it because they say I complain or I'm making up excuses. I'm tired of dealing with it. They are going to lose me one day, I can only hope that losing me will open their eyes and wake them up. I can hope but somehow I don't think it will. I am so grateful for the friends I have that have become like family to me, their support means the world to me. It's a shame that my biological family isn't the same way.

Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what. 

-Anonymous