Hidden Truths

I've become quite good at lying. It's sad actually. Very sad. The first two lies were to my grandmother and mother one right after the other. My grandmother asked about school and what grades I received this semester. I couldn't tell her that I hadn't earned a single A; especially since her and my grandfather pay my tuition. I heard the crack in her voice when I told her that I got one C, I couldn't and didn't want to hear what her voice may sound like when I told her I had gotten two C's and no A's. So I told her I got three B's, an A and a C. Then I continued the lie and told my mother the same exact thing.

They have always expected me to be this perfect person that I am far from. I can't live up to this level of perfection that they expect from me it's just too much for me to handle. It's not normal. I'm sorry it's just not. Straight A's always seemed to be expected from me, I learned very early on in life that even when I did amazing in school emotion would not be shown because it was expected. For my brother on the other hand, they had a ball. I remember turning and looking my mother's way one time after she congratulated my brother on a really good report card. She said, "Don't worry we are proud of you too but it's expected from you". After that I learned what I needed to accomplish in life. But deep down inside I've always known that I would never be good enough for her or my grandparents.

This past Christmas I had called my grandparents when I found out I got an A in Philosophy. Apparently, that's unheard of at my university. Students are grateful to get C's and pass. But I earned an A. I was so ecstatic that I called my grandparents to tell them. My grandmother said, "That's good". While my grandfather said to me, "I'm glad you are spending our money wisely". Then I remembered no matter what I do I will never be good enough for them. And that's just a fact.

The next lie well I guess isn't really a lie because my parents never bothered to ask but I wasn't very quick to want to share with them either. My parents don't know I found the report for my MRI; so they don't know that the radiologist's report said that my tumor could be benign or malignant. They just know that my doctor said it has changed since the last time it was checked. But if that were true, cancer would not have been mentioned. But I'm not bringing it up to them. I'm scared and I don't want cancer. I mean I know no one really wants cancer but I'm not ready for it. Plus my mom always tells me I worry too much, so I'm not going to worry and if I'm sick I'm sick. Maybe it's for the better. And it can't be my fault for not knowing because I'm not a doctor. I know it's very unlucky, I'm just not ready so that is one truth that I will keep buried for as long as I can.