Matters of Life

To the outside world it may appear that we're just a normal happy family, no one would think that underneath it all we aren't. Well you might be, but I'm not. The night before I thought about how great the next day was going to be and I had it all planned out. But plans never last. I woke up to hear the two of you talking about me once again, that you weren't going to bring me somewhere or pick me up. That it wasn't your responsibility and that if I wanted to go I had to find my own way. I closed my eyes, felt the tears drip down and forced myself to fall back to sleep hoping to forget it. That maybe it was just a dream.

But then on the way to campus you started complaining at me, for something that had yet to happen. I was supposed to be spending the weekend with my aunts and going into the city to see the tree. Earlier in the week, I thought we had agreed on this; you had even decided that you were going to go to. It wasn't supposed to be a problem. But then you changed your mind and decided that you were going to go out of the state this weekend instead. I asked if you could still pick me up on the way back. You called me selfish and self-absorb, said that I have to stop acting like the world revolves around me because it doesn't. You said that I'm going to have to learn that I'm not always going to be able to do everything I want and that I have to learn not to be so selfish. I didn't think I was being selfish. I thought maybe because you had to pass the house on the way home it wouldn't such an inconvenience, that it would be easier; silly me, I was wrong. I shut me eyes to keep the tears, I didn't want you to see me cry. I didn't want it to be another thing for you to yell at me for. I walked away from the car, trying to calm myself down. I didn't need this right now, but I couldn't help from breaking down.

The day went on I started to feel better, but I had lost any ambitions I had for today. I thought maybe the night would be better but I was wrong again.

The words issue and inconvenience left your mouth. Sometimes I wondered why you even had me.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't exist, it would be a lot less painful for me anyway. A lot less tears would be shed. The thoughts that run through my head, almost make me sick when I look back and think about them. But at the time, it seemed so much better than being here.