Matters of Life

It's starting to sink in that no matter what I do to change and be what my parents what it's never going to happen. They have this perfect image of my brother stuck in their heads, that's what I should be. I should be living up to what my brother is, my younger brother. Because he is perfect. He changes his mind after putting a nonrefundable deposit down at school, wasting money traveling to the college he was supposed to go to and they think it's the greatest idea. Because no matter he does or how bad he messes up he's perfect and I will always be compared to that. Oh and apparently since I sit at desk for part of the time I'm at work; I don't work. Yeah, I find that hilarious. I work my butt off at work but apparently that's not good enough because my brother is on his feet all day in a hot store. Seriously, give me a break; you're going to say I don't work because I have a desk job. I'm so sick of this shit. Of being compared to someone, why can't I just be good enough?

I'm just sick of everything. In June, I got results from an MRI; it said there was a possibility I had cancer. I found a few weeks ago that thank god I don't (I have no go for further testing they think something might be wrong with the way my liver or gallbladder is working). I don't think anyone should have to go through it and I have so much respect for those that do. I don't think respect is the right word but I can't think of another one. Anyway, it got so bad that I kind of hoped that I had cancer (before I found out that I didn't) because of the things my mom would complain at me for doing; like she accused me of lying and didn't even ask my side of the story. Her and my dad also went as far to tell my grandparents that I don't return their calls, I'm disrespectful, I have no responsibilities, and that I don't want to come home on weekends to hang out with them. (I work with my aunt in the summer--so it makes sense to live/commute with her because my car transmission went and I'm saving money for that.)

No I don't want to come home for the weekend, who wants to go home to get yelled at for nothing. I would feel sick to my stomach just knowing how could you think that, how could you kind of want cancer; are things really that bad? I feel horrible for thinking about it especially because so many people are touched by cancer and no one asks for it.

I just want to be out of this house, they don't realize how bad they are pushing me away.