Watch What You Say

I hear a lot oh you're so thin, you're so blessed. You're a size small, you're so lucky. I've heard these and many more comments made about my size. Yes I'm small and thin, it's a mixture of my body build and metabolism. I just really dislike when people bring up my weight or tell me that I need to gain weight or eat more. I eat, a lot. Yes at times I watch what I eat but it's mostly that I just want to eat healthy.

The thing is you never know what someone is struggling with. I could have an eating disorder or some other issue pertaining to my weight. That's the thing, you just don't know. I don't have an eating disorder or any other issue with my weight. But I do get bothered by comments that are made about my weight. I don't know why but I do. Maybe it's because I have trouble gaining weight and once I lose weight (unintentionally) it's very difficult for me to put it back on.

So I don't like the comments or remarks. You never know how something affects another individual. Sometimes it's meant as a compliment but honestly most of the time I don't feel blessed to be this thin. Be careful with what you say, you never know how your words can affect someone.

Living Imperfectly & Loving It!

Last October, I found myself in a dark place. Another twist was thrown into my journey, it was a new path I had to travel and it wasn't easy. On top of that I was trying to please everyone around me and do whatever I could to make them happy. Since then I've been in a bad place emotionally and mentally but today I can say that I'm in such a better place. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing, changed my thinking and started to think about/care for myself that things became better.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come but it has. I can honestly say that I love my life and I love where I am in my life right now. I'm genuinely happy and excited about life. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

I can't say that my life is perfect because it isn't but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm happy.

My hope for all of you is that you are happy, no matter where life takes you. Live your life for you and no one else. Live to make yourself happy.

Here's to living your life in a way that makes you smile!

 Trust me it feels good.

I Can't Just Walk Away

I don't know how to be just his friend. I've said it a thousand times that I just want him to be happy. If I'm not what he wants and what makes him happy then I want him to be with someone who makes him happy. 

But there's only one problem, that's so much easier said than done. I thought I could just be his friend and I would be fine with that. It's harder than it seems. Today he went shopping and sent me pictures of the stuff he was trying on..he wanted my opinion. He wanted to know how he looked in the stuff he picked out. Why me? Why not ask one of the other girls he is friends with? He looked so good in the clothes from the first picture he sent. I joked with him and asked if he had a hot date. I was almost hoping he would have said yes. I mean that would hurt probably a lot but it would make it a tad bit easier. I'll take a tad bit easier over nothing. 

I want to walk away and stop talking to him, but he has done nothing wrong. It's not his fault that I have these feelings that I can't make go away. He has always been there for me and he is truly a great friend. But part of me wants nothing more than to turn around and never look back but I can't just walk away from him. I care too much to do that. I guess that leaves me right where I am, hoping for these feelings to disappear.

There's an Elephant in the ER

It's not a secret that my mom and I dont get along. We've never really seen eye to eye on anything and half the time I'm looking for her to grow up and pull herself together. Last Saturday my dad was admitted into the er for chest pains, tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. It was time for my mom to step up and be an adult which of course didn't happen. I believe my exact words to her were "It's time to put your big girl pants on". She was not to thrilled about that one. I cant remember if she told me to shut up or gave me the glare...but I kind of think it was both.

  As it got later I decided to leave because no one wants me on the road in the dark, I cant see anything.  Anyway thats not the point. My mom stayed with my dad till the doctor came in and then came home. After she left the hospital my dad called to let me know they were moving him out of the ER and onto another floor once they had a room. I relayed the message to my mother when she got home. Her response to me was why? Umm well heck if know, probably because they are keeping him overnight for observation and want him on the cardiovascular floor? But I didn't say that because I mean wouldn't any normal person either 1- come to that conclusion on their own or 2- call their husband? So I responded back with "Because there's an elephant in the ER".

Well I got the you're crazy look from her and she walked away. I smiled to myself and laughed. My counselor suggested I start giving ludicrous responses to the questions I felt were "like really? are you serious?" questions. Instead of getting frustrated and upset, I laughed. It actually felt good minus the fact that my dad was in the hospital. Here's to out of the world responses and trying not to get frustrated and upset anymore over my mother's silly comments. So thankful for having my counselor on my side.


**On a side note, my dad is home and doing well. 

Stepping Stone

Slowly but surely I'm learning. It might only be a day or two at a time but that's better than nothing right? I think so.

Anyway, yesterday I went to the mall to get some clothes for work I probably spent a good hour in Express trying on clothes. But I was happy and I found pants that fit me. I did a bit more shopping, after being at the mall for 2 hours and walking practically the whole mall I called it quits.

After I do something I'm always saying how extremely tired I am and that I overdid it. So I made the decision to leave the mall while I was still feeling good, win for me! I made a stop on the way home and whether or not that contributed to the way I feel now I don't know. 

I'm tired but not severely tired to the point where I need a nap. Yes I did rest when I got home and that's helping.

I'm learning to take a step back and evaluate the situations I'm in. Did I feel fine after 2 hours of shopping? Yes. But I was walking around and carrying bags or 2 HOURS, so I decided to quit while I was ahead. That's a big step for me. I wanted to keep shopping but I knew had I to stop. Here's to listening to myself and my body.

Hard Questions & Even Tougher Answers

I decided that I wanted to go off the SSRI or anti-depressant that I'm currently on. I have no reason really besides that I feel like I don't need it anymore and I had to contact my counselor and psychiatrist  to see if I could stop/go off of the medication. Of course questions had to be asked like how I'm feeling and why I want to go off the medication.

The only answer I could give is that I just feel like I don't need it anymore. It's not that I don't have other answers because I think I do. I just I don't want to have to find another counselor and psychiatrist to go to. I'm not ready to open my life up to someone else. But then maybe that's not true maybe I've just accepted the past and I'm ready to move on.

What I do know now is that I'm anxious as anything about the situation. I'm not sure I'm ready to answer the questions to come.

The Decision Is Yours

You have the choice to live the life you want, it's all in the decisions you make. I believe that you have no one but yourself to blame for the course your life takes.

Some may say or think that my actions are harsh and mean but I'm just protecting myself against the decisions someone else made. The non-existent relationship that I have with my mother is not my fault, it's hers because of the decisions she made. She made the decision to drink till she was drunk and slurring her words. No one forced her, no one forced the bottle into her hand and down her throat. She drove herself to the liquor store and she bought the alcohol herself. She made that decision. With that decision, she consequently made the decision to be less of a parent.

I remember being 13 freaking out because when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my underwear. I was scared, confused and I was unsure of what was going on. Finally, I realized that it was my period and that I had nothing to be worried about. But I also remember calling for my mom to ask her what was going on. I remember her brushing me off, yelling to me asking "Jess, is this important?" I said yes, then she asked if it was really important. I said no because in that moment I realized that the bottle was more important to her than I was.

I didn't make any of those decisions, yes I made some but mainly they were her decisions. I'm done beating myself up for something that is out of my control. I'm done beating myself up because of the decisions that someone else made. I can't undo it, I can't change it but I can move forward with my own life. I can make things better for myself.