Swept under the Rug

You say that I've pushed you away and shut you out. You say that you've done nothing to deserve that. Maybe that's partially true but think of how I grew up. Think about almost everything you both have ever said to me. Bruises go away and maybe easier to forget but I never had actual bruises. Words hurt just as much and are harder to forget. For me, the words are burned into my head and memory. And unforunately with the messed up memory I have, I actually remember everything you've ever said to me.

I remember you both telling me how bad drugs and alcohol were. I went through the Dare program at school. The next night she put me and my friend in the car and drove under the influence to the liquor store to get another bottle. I didn't realize until she had come out of the store and gotten into the car that she was drunk. It wasn't until she started throwing things from the front seat into the back seat where we were sitting. I remember going home that night and he was home when we got there. He yelled a lot and you guys fought.

I remember getting my period for the first time. I remember calling for her and her asking if it was important. I said yes. Her asking Jess is it really that important? I said no that time because I realized in the moment, I would never be more important than the bottle. I went through my first and every period since on my own.

I remember the yelling everytime she got drunk. I remember the day after aunt phyl's wedding, she had fallen off the wagon again. I got home from hanging out with a friend and had hid her car keys because that's what I was supposed to do. But I got frustrated and was tired of dealing with a drunk mother, so I put them in an area where I knew you'd look for them. I don't remember where it was but you found them. You told me you were driving to aunt phyl's that everyone was hanging out up there. But I stayed home because I knew you were drunk and I wasn't putting myself in the car with you. I think part of me hoped you would be in an accident, that maybe you would finally learn your lesson. You made it there safe but somehow you driving drunk, me letting you go was my fault.

That started your time in rehabs. We had to pack the next day, he brought us up to aunt phyl's and we were taken back to maine with aunt ria. We were there for at least a month. I remember even when we came back to New Jersey, we had to stay at Nana's we weren't allowed home. I remember finally being allowed home and a few days later you guys bought a dog. I laugh now because did you think that was going to solve all the problems? She fell off the wagon a few days later, saying she couldn't stay here. She were called someone to pick her up and take her back to rehab.

I remember my teacher being more supportive and reassuring the day before I went for my first spinal tap. I was only 16. When I needed you most, when I needed you to be parents and be supportive you couldn't. I remember leaving the hospital and wanting to stop by the school. Looking back now, I think school was my safe place and I knew I wasn't going to be there for the next week. I wanted to stop so bad, I know how silly and unrealistic that is. I remember having to be the adult and staying strong through every test I had to have.

I remember being upset about something that day, I can't remember what though. But your response was that it wasn't fair to Ant. He was always having to stay at friend's houses on school nights. Only honestly, I think he was getting the better part of the deal. I was constantly in testing centers, having mris, eeg's, ekg's, mra's, etc. That day I was having a spinal tap. But somehow it wasn't fair to him.

I remember laying in aunt a's bed pretending to still be asleep as she talked to someone on the phone. I remember her saying "Anthony is being committed in the hospital. Sue found him running a knife up and down his arm threating to kill himself." I remember waking up that morning and her telling me that you were in the hospital because of your heart. Only I knew it was a lie, you guys were always trying to keep things from me. Funny how you tried to hide everything from me but always kept my younger brother in the loop.

I remember the first time I got in a car with all of you. I was at least a quarter of a mile if not further away from the red light, I still had plenty of time to slow down and break. I wasn't even going that fast. Instead of keeping quiet or saying something encouraging, all three of you started yelled at me. I ran over a no turns sign.

I started crying even though I knew better not to cry because that's a sign of weakness. I put the car into park. you got out the passenger seat to check the damage and I hopped into it. I was done driving. You guys yelled at me some more. That was the first and last time I drove on my permit until I had to take my test.

I remember the time I pulled up to the house to find 3 cop cars and an ambulance. You had texted your sister threatening to end your life and she called 911. I walked into the house scared of what I would find. Were you alive or dead? You were rocking back and forth on the couch. You were saying that you were done, that it was time. You went into the hospital again but this time I knew why, you guys couldn't hide it from me. But again this time I was the only one not allowed to see you. I felt like you trying to kill yourself was my fault.

I remember the time the guy rang the doorbell serving an eviction notice we had a month before the bank foreclosed on the house. You told me not to worry about it and wouldn't tell me what was going on. But how do you not worry about something like that. For a month I  was in a state of panic wondering how fast I could the stuff I really needed into my car if I had to. I remember wondering if I should just have stuff packed just in case.

I remember never being good enough. Getting yelled at for leaving dishes in the sink that weren't mine. Getting yelled at for being selfish. Never being able to live up to what your son does. I remember saying to myself that I'm sorry you got stuck with a daughter as screwed up as me. I'm sorry that no matter what I do, nothing I do is right. I'm sorry I can't be the picture perfect person that you want me to me.

I remember you telling me that the world doesn't revolve around me and that we don't always get everything that we want. Honestly, did you think I didn't know that. Did you really think I wanted to be living my life sick for so many years like I had. If anyone knows how unfair life is it's me. But I also know that world doesn't revolve around me and I don't expect it to.

I remember having to watch what I said to both of you so that I wouldn't upset you. But neither of you ever seem to have to watch what you said to me. Like when you told me there was nothing the doctor was ever going to be able to do to help me. Maybe you said it out of anger but still you said it and never said sorry. Don't think about even saying it now, it's too late.

You guys have never really listened to me and any time I've tried to explain myself you've said you don't want to hear the excuses. So when you say I've shut you out in an questioning way, I just say I'm sorry you feel that way or I stay quiet. I know you don't really want an explanation because to you it will be nothing more than an excuse. Like this list of all the things I remember would be nothing more than a list of excuses to you, and there are so many more.

But everything you've ever done or said to me you've acted like it never happened. Just like the alcoholism and suicide attempts were swept under the rug like they never existed either.

I've tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted me to be. Long ago I realized I will never be the daughter you have dreamed up in your mind. No matter what I do nothing ever seems to be good enough for you and no matter what I'm always wrong. I filled my life with the choices you wanted me to make, they never quite did feel right. But I made them with the hopes that if I made those choices you'd want me, accept me, or even just love me. But I'm done now and I have been, I'm living for me and making the decisions I want to make.

Honestly, I don't even want to be around either of you. I still need space. I need to just be able to be me without having to worry about either of you or what either of you think. I'm happy right now and trying to work through things from the past. Maybe it seems unfair but right now I'm better off without you guys in my life. Plus, should you both really be the ones who gets to decide what's fair? I never had a say when I was little but now I'm old enough to make my old decisions.