Perfection doesn't exist

She wants perfection, the picture perfect daughter. She always has. There's no such thing as perfection, I'm far from it. But now I think reality maybe sinking in for her even if it's just a little. The reality that in a few short weeks I'm going to be gone. She's lost her chance to be my mom in its fullest capacity.

It was a chance that I had given up on long ago. Yes it would have been nice to have the mother daughter relationship that I've read about in books, watched in movies, and the kind I've written about. That ship has long since sailed away, out into the deep blue yaunder.

I can tell she is maybe starting to feel bad that she is losing me or her chance I can't tell which. She's trying to buy my love but if she knew me she'd know that I can't be bought.

Moving Forward

Tomorrow will be my last day working as the alumni assistant at my university. I have so many mixed emotions. Right now should be a really happy time, I'm going to be student teaching, finally getting my degree and graduating in May. I feel like I should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels. Even though I couldn't do a cartwheel if my life depended on it but you get the idea.

I'm sad to be leaving a job that I have truly grown to love and co-workers who I really enjoy working with. I think this sadness is stopping me from being excited about the new journey I'm about to embark on. It is going to be a really exciting journey, it's everything I've ever wanted for a really long time.

But I just have this overwhelming sadness sitting on my chest like a huge elephant or another significantly large animal. It's just hanging out there without an invitation. This position was never supposed to be a long term thing. I knew that going into it..it was always just something temporary but somewhere along the way I fell in love with it and what I was doing. Teaching it's something I've always wanted. It's the career I've always dreamed of. It's everything I've ever dreamed of and what I've worked so hard for. So why is this so hard?

I know eventually the excitement I know I should feel for this new chapter in my life will hit me. I'll be ecstatic and doing the cartwheels that I thought I should be doing. Right now I just need to let go and welcome my new beginning.

Living Imperfectly & Loving It!

Last October, I found myself in a dark place. Another twist was thrown into my journey, it was a new path I had to travel and it wasn't easy. On top of that I was trying to please everyone around me and do whatever I could to make them happy. Since then I've been in a bad place emotionally and mentally but today I can say that I'm in such a better place. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing, changed my thinking and started to think about/care for myself that things became better.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come but it has. I can honestly say that I love my life and I love where I am in my life right now. I'm genuinely happy and excited about life. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

I can't say that my life is perfect because it isn't but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm happy.

My hope for all of you is that you are happy, no matter where life takes you. Live your life for you and no one else. Live to make yourself happy.

Here's to living your life in a way that makes you smile!

 Trust me it feels good.

Closure

Yesterday I went out with an old friend, whom I used to have really strong feelings for. Yes, I care for him now as a friend as I always have but I once cared for him on a deeper level. Yesterday, helped me to close a door that I once believed was available, the door to an "intimate" relationship with him. It also helped me to open the door to having a good and lasting friendship with him, I am so thankful for that. I'm looking forward to opportunities to meet new people and renewing this old friendship.

Quote to Live By...

It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, & to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

I found this quote and I just really like it. It's starting to sink in that its okay to live for myself and to do things that are just for me. I have to in order to make myself happy and keep myself well. It's not just me though, you owe it to yourself to do the same.

No Regrets

Deep down I've always dreamed of having that best friend, amazing mother and daughter relationship. You know that relationship where you can be open and honest, tell each other everything. But I don't have that with her and I say her because I don't think of her as a mother. I mean don't get me wrong for all intents and purposes she is a mother but she isn't a mom, at least not to me. That has nothing to do with the fact that we don't have the relationship that I wanted to have with her but everything to do with she wasn't a mom.

I've seen a lot of quotes along the lines of "You made me who I am today. And since there will never be words powerful enough to express my gratitude. I just thought I'd say thank you."  And tears spring to my eyes when I read quotes and sayings like that. We don't have that relationship. Our relationship is minimal. I am who I am because of me and the positive role models I've had in my life, not her. I wish I could say I want to be like her when I grow up but that's a lie. I hold my breath when someone says you are just like your mom because I've worked for what seems like my whole life to not be like her.

In my eyes she ultimately had the choice to have a relationship with me but that includes everything the good and the bad. She chose nothing. That hurts but I know it's not my fault because I've tried the best I could. I gave it all I had but I'm done trying.

I'm trying to let go of my expectations because ultimately they are hurting me more than anything else. It's just hard to let go of something you wanted but there's not realize to dwell on something that will never be. Here's to moving on and trying to live with no regrets.