Some Randoms..

I've been listening to these two songs non-stop on replay. There's something about them that connected with me and parts of them really say how I'm feeling. First is a song I heard on the new tv show Nashville called Ho Hey which was originally sang by the Lumineers.

I really connected with these lyrics.

(Ho!)
(Hey!)
(Ho!)
(Hey!)

(Ho!) I've been trying to do it right
(Hey!) I've been living a lonely life
(Ho!) I've been sleeping here instead
(Hey!) I've been sleeping in my bed,
(Ho!) I've been sleeping in my bed
(Hey!)

(Ho!)

(Ho!) So show me family
(Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed
(Ho!) I don't know where I belong
(Hey!) I don't know where I went wrong
(Ho!) But I can write a song
(Hey!)

Then there's the song Better by Maggie Rose which I heard while laying out in my backyard trying to get some color. I really connected with these lyrics too.

But that's a road I don't wanna go back down
And I hate myself for what I'm thinkin' now
Hey, it's just one night, it's not like it's forever
I just want to feel better

I just want to feel good, feel alright
Feel anything but what I feel tonight
I just want to move on with my life
And put the pieces back together
I just want to feel better

I'm not sure why but these parts just feel like me. I feel so lost and confused at times, so unsure of where I belong. Then there's the second song which makes me think of the MS and the side effects from the Rebif. I know this song was about a broken up relationship or at least that's what I'm led to believe but these parts describe what I'm going through. I really just want to feel better and move on with my life. I know it's going to take time and that's hard but I'm in it for the long haul.

Just another test....

It should have been just another MRI. At least that's how it felt at first, but it wasn't. I'm not sure if it's because this is the first MRI I've had since I was diagnosed or what the reason was. All I know for sure is that it did not feel like just another MRI today.

Maybe it's because of the response I gave when the nurse asked me what the reason was that I was having this test done today. It's the first time I've responded by saying "I have MS". At least for an MRI or test. It's always been "My doctor thinks I might have MS" or "I'm being tested for MS" NOT "I have MS". She almost seemed shocked, she didn't know how to respond at first.

Then she proceeded to ask the normal questions: "Any chance you could be pregnant?", "Are you wearing any metal?Earrings?Any piercings, etc?". Nope. "You've done this a lot haven't you?" "Yeah, I'm a pro at MRI's now", I laughed back.

I laid in the MRI machine listening the to noises. One was a cross between a hammer and a wood pecker. Another I pictured the noise from Mario when he is running around collecting all the coins but doesn't earn the star. I tried to give a picture to every noise but couldn't.

This MRI was definitely different for me. I'm hoping that even though this experience was different that maybe my MRI stayed the same. Wishful thinking?

I found these pictures I call them old pictures. They are probably go back to 2005 or 2006. My hair looks so blonde and curly in this picture. Then next picture my hair is so brown (my natural color) and straight, such a difference. 

And then there was the model phase. Oh craziness. I thought I wanted to model so bad. My friends and cousins would take pictures of me. It's so funny looking back at them now. We would take pictures all over the place. We watched lots of America's Next Top Model. Lots of  "strike a poses". So young & naive back then.

Goodbye..

Today I cut the finally string between us and let go. I miss you. I miss whatever it was we had. I think it meant more to me then it did to you. I really hope you are happy with her. I want nothing but the best for you. Bye.

Once a Day

I'm always saying I grew up fast because of the MS. It's not a lie, I did grow up fast. I just don't think it was all the MS. I was eleven the first time I realized the reason behind my mom suddenly seeming different and out there. I realized after going through the DARE (Drugs Alcohol Resistance Education Program) that my mom drank. Her drinking had escalated by the time I was thirteen. I was left to help out around the house while she was in and out of rehabs. I was in charge of laundry, dinner, helping my brother with his homework, basically everything a thirteen year old shouldn't have to do. That's when I grew up.

The start of MS at sixteen only pushed me to grow up more. With all that going on I never really had the time to be a kid, to act silly.

So I've decided to take at least a few moments from my day to act silly. Because I missed out on it when I was younger but I'm not to old to act silly. Neither are you. So take some moments, act silly or do something for you. Something that will make you happy.

Life is a learning experience. Everyday we learn new things about not just the world but about ourselves as well. Today I realized somethings about myself:

1. I'm deathly afraid of being in the basement late at night.
2. I love blasting country music while I'm cooking.
3. I've always wanted kids but I really think I want to be a foster parent someday, maybe even adopt.

Words on the tip of your tongue. Thoughts flying out of your head. They were right there a second ago but now they are gone. As fast as they were there, they are *POOF*...gone. Like a snap of your fingers. They leave you wondering, what was I thinking? What word was I about to use? It makes life so difficult, you can try to explain to someone what you are thinking or the word you are trying to find but usually it is no help. It just makes you more frustrated, having people throw thoughts and words at you to try and help. You just want to pause time. Freeze things because the thoughts and words seem like they are right in front of you clear as day, you can picture them sometimes. But the words, the thoughts they never come. Just another day living life with MS.