I had a dream the other night. You guys got the kids back and things changed. I'm scared. I know if the situation came up and the kids needed you to take them back in you guys would in a heartbeat. The kids deserve that. They deserve to feel loved and safe. Being loved and feeling safe especially by you guys is one of the best feelings in the world. I would know.

I'm scared because there's this overwhelming feeling that things would change. I felt it at dinner the other night. They were your kids tonight or it felt that way. You asked me if I was okay a couple times, I said yeah and played it off as being tired. Maybe I'm not the best at hiding things or expressions but I think you bought it. It felt like I was sitting in on dinner with a family. I was an outsider looking in.

I've felt like I was your kid for a while now and you're always calling me your adopted daughter but it felt different tonight. It's stupid and silly. They are just little kids. They'd need you more than I would anyway. But I'm attached or maybe it's just that I love you guys I'm not sure. But I felt like I had been pushed to the back. I feel like I'm being totally stupid and ridiculous.

I'm just scared of losing you. Losing the little moments. Losing feeling like I could come to you whenever and about whatever. Losing the big tight hugs. The "I love yous". Because they are little and they would have to come first.

You told me once that you had an abortion and that baby would be my age. That I literally could be your kid. Not too soon after it had kind of felt like I became your kid. But maybe we aren't supposed to have the things we lost out on. Maybe I'm not supposed to be there.

I grew up with a mother who was physically present but not really present emotionally and mentally. She wasn't maternal. Maybe we only get one shot at these experiences. Maybe my time with you is just supposed to be short. Maybe it's just supposed to show me the person and mom I can be. That I can't let my past dictate my future.

It's little moments like these that I am so grateful for having you guys in my life. We spent the day painting, there were lots of laughs and some what the heck facial expressions. It's simple and silly. The other night you tucked me, it was your idea. Might seem silly for a 26 year old to be tucked in but I got a comforting feeling from it. It felt like I was home and that's where I belonged. 

It's in the moments when we are having silly conversations but that we can also have serious ones. I know that with you I don't have to question or think twice when you say "I love you". That in itself is probably what gets me the most. For the first time I feel loved and it doesn't feel forced. 

I spent my whole life striving to be anyone but my mom, in school you were someone I looked upto and I still look upto. I wouldn't mind being like you. 

Happily Ever After

Happily ever after for me isn't about finding the right guy. It's about finding me. It's about making myself happy.

I've put my life on hold so many times for various reasons but it's time to live. Time to enjoy, smile, and laugh. It's time to fall in love with myself. Right now I'm happy being single, it's stress free and fun. Of course in the future it'll be nice to have a special someone in my life but I'm okay right now or I was.

I was fine until the wedding; actually I was better than fine I was happy. But seeing you did something to me, it brought up the old feelings and memories. I need to forget you again because I want to love myself. I want to live life and enjoy. I don't want to keep wondering about the what might be. I don't want to cry or get upset everytime I see your girlfriend posting about what she's doing with "the love of her life".

I want to go back to that carefree fun loving girl that I had let myself become. I miss her. This sad girl is no fun at all. I want to live without wondering if you've broken up with her yet. Live without wondering is she really what's making you happy. Because for the longest time all I've wanted to do is make you happy.

I want my heart not to hurt so much, I hear it gets a tiny bit better as time moves on. But I also hear that you'll always be in my heart, you're not leaving. I understand now what Wendy meant when she said you'll see the world in rose colored glasses. I saw the world differently when I was with you. You made me happy.

I wish I didn't want you. I wish I didn't think of you when I think about the future I want. I wish I didn't picture you when I think about my future children. I wish I didn't see you standing next to me. I wish I didn't love you.

When I think about the possibility of you being back in my life, I partially feel like an idiot. When I think about having the chance of being with you again, I feel like an idiot. 

Your new relationship has hurt your friends time and time again. I'd be an idiot to give you another chance. But maybe sometimes you have to be stupid. This is all hypothetical, I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Now it's time to make myself happy again without you. I know it can be done because I've done it before. I've been happy without you and that's fine with me.  I just think I'd rather be happy with you than without you. But I don't have the option to be with you at this point. And I'm going with the notion that I'm never getting that option back. So I'm going to live to make myself happy.

The World Stopped

Today I got a phone call that changed my world. I thought I was safe. Honestly I did. I never thought I'd hear the words you have a new lesion, let alone five new lesions. I always thought I'd be stable.

I thought my MS specialist was crazy wanting to see new damage on my MRI. My friends and the doctor would say you might never have new damage, you may stay like this forever. I think I started to believe that. I never thought the day would come when I would actually hear that I have new lesions.

Last year I broke down when I learned about the low-lying cerebellar tonsils which correlate with Chiari. I lost it with that news. I couldn't handle the thought of being saddled with two incurable illnesses.

But I really lost it hearing that there have been changes. I remember the doctor going on, talking, explaining things to me. I remember trying to hold it together as I asked, but there have been changes? I was so confused and at first I didn't think I had heard her right. Yes, you have 5 new lesions she told me. I remember her reading the report to me. What stood out was 4 new lesions on the left and 1 new lesion on the right, that is active. I held it in but later I lost it. The tears flowed, I balled. 

I sat in that office so many times. Mri after mri. I've read report after report and I've listened to my doctors read report after report to me. It's always said stable white matter lesions. No evidence of active demyelination. No new white matter lesion. As frustrating as that was to hear, it was the one constant in my life among the ever-changing symptoms I experienced. This time hearing there are 3-4 new lesions noted within the left parietal subcortical white matter. There is a new lesion noted within the right posterior frontal subcortical white matter and posterior parietal subcortical white matter.

I'm trying to find some sort of positive in all of this. Trying to reflect on what is going right especially when it seems like everything is going wrong.

And then I think about all I've overcome in life so far to this point. I'm driving. I think a lot of people doubted that would ever happen. I'm teaching math in a high school resource setting. I'm modeling or at least starting to. I have an "adopted" family who I love and loves me back. It's one of the best feelings in the world. I'm genuinely happy. For a long time, I always thought the core of my happiness lied in getting a diagnosis. Thankfully, I worked out through that. 

But this still has rocked me to the core. I'm not letting it completely destory my life but I am upset. I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I need to get through this I'm just not sure how.

My Firsts, My Adventures, My Future

Do I let go and move on? I've been trying but I'm not sure I really want to let go. Deep down I think I know I should. I fear that I might fall in love with someone else and then you'll be single. Our chance once again will be lost. Maybe then is it really meant to be? I'm not saying that I'm in love with you but I like you and care about you.

Maybe it's a comfort thing but I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I've never felt this way about anyone else. I've never connected like this with anyone else. But I also know my chance may have been lost.

I can't guarentee that a relationship would work out between us. But I'd try, I'd give you what you deserve and from where I stand you deserve the world. I may not be able to give you the whole world but I'd try. I know I wasn't ready before. I wasn't ready to open myself up to you but I am now. It didn't make sense how someone could want to be with me but you didn't know my past. From what I see now you just wanted to be a part of my future. Things make more sense now.

Right now, if I had the choice I want my firsts to be with you. I want to my adventures to be with you. I want my future to be with you. Could I be happy with someone else? Probably. But right now you're who I think of, you're who I want to be happy with.

But sometimes we don't always get what we want. So if my firsts, my adventures, my future, and my happiness can't be with you; I'll understand. Eventually I'll be able to let myself move on, I'll try not to hold myself back from finding love.

The Little Moments

I woke up at your house the other morning overcome with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. They were filled with tears thinking about the night before. The brownies got stuck in the muffin pan and the pan could have been ruined, we weren't really sure. If that had happened at my parents house, I would have gotten yelled and been told about what a mess up I am. But you shrugged it off like it was nothing because it was nothing, it's just a pan. 

Sometimes things don't feel real. Almost like the relationship I have with you guys is a dream. I walked out to the living room, needing a hug and you gave me a big tight squeezy one. I felt safe and loved. You asked me what was wrong, if I had had a bad dream. I explained to you what was going on in my head. 

You never had to prove yourself to me, I just knew you cared. You said it and I could tell that you meant it. But you've proved it tenfold. You've shown me that someone doesn't have to be blood to love me despite everything I have going on. You've been there for me through my nerves at doctors appointments, administered iv's even when you were scared you were going to kill me with air bubbles, and recently given me medication via a shot. You didn't even think twice about doing it.

My parents were never there for me and I used to think that they were the ones that were supposed to be. I always questioned if they couldn't, who would willing want to be there for me? But you changed that perspective. I'm so lucky to have you guys in my life. It's the little actions that you take, the things you do.

Stabbing me with a needle to give me my medication. The heart to heart talks about the serious and the silly. Dancing in the kitchen. Your “what the heck” facial expressions you give me when I don’t make sense or when you seemed shocked about something that I don’t know. The talks you both give me about not settling for someone because I deserve more. The fact that I can talk to you or ask you about anything. The long silent walks. Laughing when I make mistakes or have blonde moments. The hugs and "I love you's" before bed. Thank you for the little moments and for sticking around through the good, bad, and ugly bigger moments.

It's Never Been Home Till Now

It's always just been a house, never a home. My parents put a roof over my head growing up but I never felt comfortable and I never felt like I belonged. I was always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter what I went to them with, I had somehow screwed up. So somewhere along the way, I stopped going to them it wasn't worth waiting to see what my next mistake would be in their eyes.

The friends who have become family. Nowhere has ever felt like home till now.  And at first I have to say I thought the feeling was that I was scared to be alone, I thought it was pure loneliness. Leaving your house on Sundays and going home my apartment in the past was hard. The tears would start falling a little while after I got home.

I didn't understand why, I was so used to being alone. It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't understand why I would feel sad. It was this overwhelming feeling, like there was an elephant on my chest. It didn't make sense to me how I could be alone during the week and be absolutely fine. But coming home after spending the weekend with you guys I would feel so sad.

But I had also never had anywhere that felt like home. There wasn't a place where I could just be me, mistakes, flaws and all. There were never people who felt like family and treated me like family.

After taking the time to reflect on the situation, I realized it wasn't sadness from being alone. I was homesick. Your house is the first place that's felt like a home. It makes sense now. I'd never been homesick before because I never had anywhere that felt like home.

I'm thankful to have a place and people that feel like home. People I know I can run to when things get tough but also to share when things are good. Thankful for people who care about me, who won't judge me no matter what I do. Thankful for the moments I never had but am experiencing now.