I had a dream the other night. You guys got the kids back and things changed. I'm scared. I know if the situation came up and the kids needed you to take them back in you guys would in a heartbeat. The kids deserve that. They deserve to feel loved and safe. Being loved and feeling safe especially by you guys is one of the best feelings in the world. I would know.
I'm scared because there's this overwhelming feeling that things would change. I felt it at dinner the other night. They were your kids tonight or it felt that way. You asked me if I was okay a couple times, I said yeah and played it off as being tired. Maybe I'm not the best at hiding things or expressions but I think you bought it. It felt like I was sitting in on dinner with a family. I was an outsider looking in.
I've felt like I was your kid for a while now and you're always calling me your adopted daughter but it felt different tonight. It's stupid and silly. They are just little kids. They'd need you more than I would anyway. But I'm attached or maybe it's just that I love you guys I'm not sure. But I felt like I had been pushed to the back. I feel like I'm being totally stupid and ridiculous.
I'm just scared of losing you. Losing the little moments. Losing feeling like I could come to you whenever and about whatever. Losing the big tight hugs. The "I love yous". Because they are little and they would have to come first.
You told me once that you had an abortion and that baby would be my age. That I literally could be your kid. Not too soon after it had kind of felt like I became your kid. But maybe we aren't supposed to have the things we lost out on. Maybe I'm not supposed to be there.
I grew up with a mother who was physically present but not really present emotionally and mentally. She wasn't maternal. Maybe we only get one shot at these experiences. Maybe my time with you is just supposed to be short. Maybe it's just supposed to show me the person and mom I can be. That I can't let my past dictate my future.
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