She didn't have to be

I had a great time this past Sunday, it's been a while since I've been able to say that. I dreaded going to look for a graduation dress. I mean yeah I was looking forward to it...I really couldn't wait to find a dress. What I could wait for was the dreaded feeling of having to go through another important step of my life alone. Okay so maybe you are thinking it's just a graduation dress but it's something that means a lot to me. I felt like I deserved a good experience and I was so sad that I was going to go through this experience alone.

Last Friday night I was at an al-anon meeting and our topic was "self pity". I spoke of how I do self pity really well and how earlier that day I was going through the why me's but that I was just going to keep working the program and let it work me. Well one of the women and I were talking after the meeting and she asked me why I was doing the why me's earlier that day. I told her, I'm graduating from college in May and that this time should be a happy time in my life but I'm going through all of these experiences alone. I explained how I just got my shoes for graduation and now I have to get my dress but I have to go through that all alone. What she said next totally caught me by surprise, she offered to go with me. I surprised myself and took her up on her offer.

On Sunday, I found myself at Kohl's shopping with my new friend. It was an amazing experience, we surprisingly had similar tastes and it was just so much fun. We'd pull a dress off the rack, we wouldn't be too sure about it but we'd pull it anyway for me to try. I did a "fashion show" of dresses as my friend said. I laughed, like really laughed and had fun. There was no stress, just fun, laughter and I just really enjoyed myself. I'm so thankful for the wonderful memory of that day and so grateful to the woman who joined me. She didn't have to go with me, she didn't have to offer but she chose to. That offer meant and means so much to me. I did find my dress and I spent the rest of my day smiling because I truly enjoyed myself. Thank you to the woman who was there when she didn't have to be.

Then I was at a meeting tonight and she was there as well she said something else that surprised me. The day before she asked me about how my doctor's appointment had gone, well let's put it this way it hadn't gone well. In our conversation the day before she asked if someone had gone to my eye doctor appointment with me. I said no, that I normally go to doctor's appointments on my own, that's just how it goes. Anyway, I was talking with her and another woman after the meeting and she turned to me and said "I just wanted to you know you can call me when you have a doctor's appointment. Just let me know the day/time/place and I'll go with you if I can." The other woman jumped in too, "Jess, you can call either of us just let us know when and where, we'll be there if we can." Tears filled my eyes. Neither of them have to be there for me and it means so much to me that they want to be there.

If there's no cure, does it ever end?

A week ago today I attended my first Al-Anon meeting which turned into my second because I stayed for the meeting that followed the one I went to. A couple days later I attended my third. Then again today I attended the beginners meeting that I thought would be a good starting point for me. Again, I attended the meeting that followed. Even though I've only shared once in the five meetings that I've attended now, I'm learning a lot. It's somewhat comforting knowing that I'm not alone in this journey and that others have been there before me. Although I would never wish upon anyone what I've gone through. As I continue to listen, learn, and process what I'm hearing I know that eventually this will get easier and that this will help.

But there's one thing, I've heard and continue to hear, the explanation "It's the disease." I've thought about that.

It was the disease when I was 10 and my mom decided to load me and my friend in a car and drive to the liquor store. I didn't know until she came back to the car with the bottle wrapped in the brown paper and started tossing things into the backseat that she was drunk. This was the first time I remember her being drunk...consequently it was the day after I graduated from the DARE (Drug and Alcohol Resistance Education program) at my elementary school.

It's possible that she had been drinking long before that first time I noticed. I may not have noticed at this point in time at all, if it hadn't been for the DARE program I went through.

I don't remember much from that point on until I was 12, I don't know if the drinking stopped for a couple of years or if I just ignored it. Her drinking got worse and I soon came to realize that the bottle would always be more important than me. It was a year after that when everything seemed to go down hill. I think that year was the year she was constantly in and out of rehabs like they were carnival rides. I remember the summer before I started 8th grade, my brother and I were sent to Maine to live with my dad's sister and her family because my mom was going into yet another rehab. That year when we went back to school my mom was in rehab. She was fine for a bit after she came back that time but then she kept slipping. The slip that hurt the most was the time I came home from school that year on my birthday. My brother and I had been locked out of the house and she was passed out. When we finally got in the house I sent my brother to the basement with the family dog and his homework. I proceeded to try to straighten out the house and get in touch with my dad while my mother threw up all over the place. I tried to ignore that my birthday present was thrown on the floor like she hadn't even thought to wrap it. Happy Birthday to me! That was the disease.

She went into rehab a couple more times after that and finally got sober. She still wasn't a parent. Her actions are still the same as they were when she was drinking.

Was it the disease when she told me to grow up and deal with the MS on my own? A little over a year after my diagnosis, I decided to switch specialists because I wasn't functioning on the medication for the MS and my current doctor wouldn't take me off it. Was it the disease when she told me that there was nothing that the doctor would be able to do for me? There are so many more moments I can recall...were those all the disease?

I guess I'm wondering do her actions every stop coming from the disease? Does she ever start owning up to the actions she makes as her own and not those of the disease?

Moving Forward

Tomorrow will be my last day working as the alumni assistant at my university. I have so many mixed emotions. Right now should be a really happy time, I'm going to be student teaching, finally getting my degree and graduating in May. I feel like I should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels. Even though I couldn't do a cartwheel if my life depended on it but you get the idea.

I'm sad to be leaving a job that I have truly grown to love and co-workers who I really enjoy working with. I think this sadness is stopping me from being excited about the new journey I'm about to embark on. It is going to be a really exciting journey, it's everything I've ever wanted for a really long time.

But I just have this overwhelming sadness sitting on my chest like a huge elephant or another significantly large animal. It's just hanging out there without an invitation. This position was never supposed to be a long term thing. I knew that going into it..it was always just something temporary but somewhere along the way I fell in love with it and what I was doing. Teaching it's something I've always wanted. It's the career I've always dreamed of. It's everything I've ever dreamed of and what I've worked so hard for. So why is this so hard?

I know eventually the excitement I know I should feel for this new chapter in my life will hit me. I'll be ecstatic and doing the cartwheels that I thought I should be doing. Right now I just need to let go and welcome my new beginning.

Finding Inner Peace

I always used to say I just want to be happy. I must have said that to my counselor a hundred times, "I just want to be happy". Back then I thought the key to my happiness was to finally have a diagnosis so I could move on. (This was after I had been undiagnosed with MS.) I was so sure once I was diagnosed things would be fine then I'd be happy and life would be perfect. But boy was I wrong.

Since then I've learned that a diagnosis can't make me happy, neither will a relationship with a guy. I needed to make myself happy, to be happy with who I am. I needed to live for myself. I'm sharing this with you because you need to depend on yourself to make yourself truly happy. You need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by someone else.

Take sometime to do things for yourself, do something to make yourself happy. Be kind to yourself. It's better to be truly happy with  your "single" self than yourself while you are in a relationship. Don't use a relationship as a buffer to your happiness. Yes you deserve more than anything in the world to be happy, I'm not saying you don't but sometimes a relationship isn't the answer. You can't use a relationship/diagnosis or whatever it may be to make you happy. You can't go "searching" for happiness, because happiness isn't a material possession, it's not something you can own or hold or visually "see". It's more of a mental state, happiness lies within you.

Bedroom Re-do

This past August I decided that I wanted to turn my bedroom into a calming relaxing space for myself. My room at the time was a tropical blue and while blue is one of my favorite colors this particular blue didn't scream relaxing. Yes it was pretty but it was more bright and in your face. Over the last year or two I fell in love with different shades of grey. Therefore, I decided why not go with grey. It's subtle and calming, at least that's how I feel when I see the color.

I chose a darker grey as the color for an accent wall and went with a lighter grey for the rest of the walls. I really love cherry blossoms and thought what fun it would be to stencil. I found the perfect shades of grey and cherry blossom stencil, so off I went to begin my new project!

For me there is just something so relaxing about painting or any kind of hands on craft project.

Check out the before and after pictures!

 I took down the frame, cork-board and shelf. I replaced it with a decorative accent wall. The branches are the color grey of the lighter walls and the flowers are a crisp white. To draw in accents, I painted mason jars the color of the lighter walls, added some burlap and vintage cherry blossoms to tie in the stencil.

 I cleaned up this wall by removing the shelves and the hairband storage thing (I really have no idea what to call it).

I moved the bookcase from this wall to the accent wall and the jewelry armoire moved the wall I showed previously. This really gives my room a more open feel and now I have a great open space to do yoga or sit and read.

I LOVE mason jars. I used them through out the room as accents. Some I painted the lighter grey I used on the walls and used them as vases. Others I decorated with glitter and used as a candle. At first I used tea lights but they were too hard to light so I found the fake candles and you cant tell the difference. Plus the jars don't get hot that way.


I'm loving my new calming and relaxing space!

Craft Time!

If you haven't already realized I love using my creative side and I'm very thankful that I am creative!

We recently had a holiday party at work where we did a White Elephant gift exchange. I decided to make the gift I was contributing. We had a $5 limit and this is what I came up with because who doesn't love chocolate?

I printed out the sign, then taped the chocolate to the sign before putting it into the frame. It seemed to be a hit!













The next craft project I took on is one for the little girl I watch. Her mom has always painted her nails but just recently the little girl has gotten really excited and into having her nails done. I thought what better than to get her some of her own little nail polishes (for mom to hold onto for her) and some of those nail stickers for children. I wanted to present it in a cute way. My first instinct was a mason jar because I love mason jars but she is only three years old and unfortunately that's all glass. I tried to find a clear plastic makeup bag but had no such luck. Then I decided to literally walk up and down EVERY aisle in A.C.Moore, which was good because I found something to use yet so bad for my fatigue.

I decided to go with this clear plastic "paint can" that I found. I also bought some fabric paint and flower stickers to decorate and personalize the container with.

=

Here is the finished project!

 

I added some glittery tissue paper to the bottom of the container then added the nail polish it. All that is needed now is to find those nail stickers that I remember so fondly from when I was a child! 

I had so much fun decorating and personalizing it! I think she is going to be so excited when she opens it. Can't wait to see what project I decide to tackle next!

Stable

When you have MS, also known as Multiple Sclerosis, hearing that your MRI is stable is a good thing. At least it should be. But sometimes hearing that your MRI is stable can be just as hard as hearing that you have new lesions, sometimes harder.

This is one of the hardest roads I've ever been down. From the diagnosis of possible MS at 16, to the diagnosis of probable MS at 18, to the diagnosis of MS at 21 then being undiagnosed just before I turned 23. Then being told again that my diagnosis is probable MS six months later. It's definitely been a roller coaster ride.

It's hard when you are having symptoms with no reason why. They say its from the MS but the MRI's don't show anything new. It's hard, frustrating and drive you crazy. At least it's driving me crazy.

I'm at the point of not wanting to see doctors anymore. I guess it's a good thing that my neurologist set my next appointment for next December unless I have changes and/or new symptoms. It's been a hard road but I don't see it getting any easier. I don't want new lesions but I would like some answers. Answers would be nice.