A week ago today I attended my first Al-Anon meeting which turned into my second because I stayed for the meeting that followed the one I went to. A couple days later I attended my third. Then again today I attended the beginners meeting that I thought would be a good starting point for me. Again, I attended the meeting that followed. Even though I've only shared once in the five meetings that I've attended now, I'm learning a lot. It's somewhat comforting knowing that I'm not alone in this journey and that others have been there before me. Although I would never wish upon anyone what I've gone through. As I continue to listen, learn, and process what I'm hearing I know that eventually this will get easier and that this will help.
But there's one thing, I've heard and continue to hear, the explanation "It's the disease." I've thought about that.
It was the disease when I was 10 and my mom decided to load me and my friend in a car and drive to the liquor store. I didn't know until she came back to the car with the bottle wrapped in the brown paper and started tossing things into the backseat that she was drunk. This was the first time I remember her being drunk...consequently it was the day after I graduated from the DARE (Drug and Alcohol Resistance Education program) at my elementary school.
It's possible that she had been drinking long before that first time I noticed. I may not have noticed at this point in time at all, if it hadn't been for the DARE program I went through.
I don't remember much from that point on until I was 12, I don't know if the drinking stopped for a couple of years or if I just ignored it. Her drinking got worse and I soon came to realize that the bottle would always be more important than me. It was a year after that when everything seemed to go down hill. I think that year was the year she was constantly in and out of rehabs like they were carnival rides. I remember the summer before I started 8th grade, my brother and I were sent to Maine to live with my dad's sister and her family because my mom was going into yet another rehab. That year when we went back to school my mom was in rehab. She was fine for a bit after she came back that time but then she kept slipping. The slip that hurt the most was the time I came home from school that year on my birthday. My brother and I had been locked out of the house and she was passed out. When we finally got in the house I sent my brother to the basement with the family dog and his homework. I proceeded to try to straighten out the house and get in touch with my dad while my mother threw up all over the place. I tried to ignore that my birthday present was thrown on the floor like she hadn't even thought to wrap it. Happy Birthday to me! That was the disease.
She went into rehab a couple more times after that and finally got sober. She still wasn't a parent. Her actions are still the same as they were when she was drinking.
Was it the disease when she told me to grow up and deal with the MS on my own? A little over a year after my diagnosis, I decided to switch specialists because I wasn't functioning on the medication for the MS and my current doctor wouldn't take me off it. Was it the disease when she told me that there was nothing that the doctor would be able to do for me? There are so many more moments I can recall...were those all the disease?
I guess I'm wondering do her actions every stop coming from the disease? Does she ever start owning up to the actions she makes as her own and not those of the disease?
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