Everyone envisions their life going a certain way. Leaving an impact on the world. Doing certain things by a certain age. Being mature and responsible. No one envisions the bad and what could go wrong. Because why would you unless it came to a time when you had to? I played by the rules, no boyfriends, no dating, no sex. I focused on school, my grades and extracurricular activities. The same in college. Now I sit after playing by the rules for so many years wondering where I went wrong and why this is happening to me..

Just let her make her own mistakes.

Is this really my normal?

I'm not totally upset with the fact that I most likely have MS. It's the fact that at the age of 21, I am so comfortable with the idea of having an MRI done or having to have a spinal tap. I don't get upset over these things like most people would.

Boys, they scare me. I should be familiar with boys but I'm not. Instead I'm familiar with medical tests and things of that nature. I could have written a play book on tests. But I'm so clueless when it comes to guys. I want a different normal.

My normal isn't boys and tanning like most of my friends. My normal is doctors and medical tests. I don't want that to be my life.

I'm 21 and there are so many things I would have thought I would have done by now. I thought by now I would have had at least a few boyfriends, maybe even a long term boyfriend. That's what upsets me.

It's what doesn't upset me that scares me.

I saw my neurologist Wednesday. My blood work came back fine negative for lupus and lymes. My MRI was abnormal which I knew.

My doctor is looking at MS and basically said that's what it is. I have 2 of the 4 criteria (3 are needed to make the diagnosis). Combined with my neurological symptoms and my first neurological episode/attack. He said it definitely looks like MS. He is sending me for an MRI of my C spine to see if there are any abnormalities because that would be 3 and give the diagnosis. He is also sending me for memory testing and possibly a spinal tap.

It's weird because I was so prepared for him to tell me that its MS I thought I would be fine. There's such a difference between preparing yourself and actually being told you fit half the criteria with only one MRI. I'm scared and not sure if I'm going to be able to handle the actual diagnosis once it's set in stone.

Sometimes there are things in life you don't want to happen, but you have to except it. There are things you don't want to know, but you have to learn.You have to learn to face it and go with it.

Part of me can't wait for Wednesday. Part of me doesn't want it to be Wednesday. Part of me just wants a diagnosis and the other part doesn't know. But I think its worse not knowing then finally having answers.

Runts make a bad day good.

Sometimes when we let things go or put things down they are not meant to be taken back in or picked back up..

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering

"She'll fight and push herself to the limit and tell herself everything's fine even though her eyes tell you otherwise"

Today I'm going for an MRI of my brain... My doctor said he wanted a follow up from the one I had four years ago because the ones all those years ago were concerning to him; whatever that means. A week from today I have an appointment with my neurologist to get the results. I feel anxious but I'm not sure if it because after today is the waiting part or that I might actually have some answers.. Answers would be good it's just what if I don't want to hear them. I guess we'll see.

i'm just so done with everyone

i just can't seem to do anything right these days. not with my family and certainly not with my friends. im so done.