There's No Rewriting the Past, Just Changing the Future..

How do you let go of the past when you're so sure it should be apart of your future. How do you just move on and let something go. After a year of no communication, the lines are broken and the talking begins. How do you know it's the right thing? Is it just because that's what we want? So many questions, yet so few answers. Did I take the right step or should there still be no communication? Am I just digging myself back into the hole that I had already filled? How do you know, how does anyone in that matter know? All I know is I missed you. I was doing fine until someone mentioned your name. Why did I do this? I'm only opening myself back up for hurt and let down. Why can't I just move on because I do want to. So bad it hurts. I just wish I could commit to it. Why can't I let you go? I need to move on start fresh but I can't if you keep reappearing and I am certainly not helping the situation at all. Why do I put myself through this? Why can I just leave the past behind? It's already written it can't be changed but the future can. And deciding not to make you apart of my future, would have been the right road. So why did I choose the wrong one, and let you back into my future? Specially when you clearly belonged in my past.

Wishing For a Normal Life..

So after long days of thinking I'm falling behind in the boyfriend or child department, I'm beginning to think how I'm missing out on life in general. And people are always telling me this like I don't know but I do. I know about all the fun and parties I'm missing. The truth is half the time it doesn't seem to bother me. Then other times it does and I just want to be a normal twenty year old. But somehow I don't believe that will ever happen. It's a nice wish but only that. A wish left unanswered. Just a wish.

Things that Stuck

Childhood nicknames. The rules that your grandparents set for you while you were visiting their house. Those silly little rules that parents and other adults give you to keep you safe. Things like not swimming for an hour after you eat, no running on concrete, wearing shoes on the wooden deck so you don't get splinters. It's silly little rules that stick and the things that never change. I found myself at my grandparent house for a barbecue recently. I had my cousins two little girls with me. I saw myself repeating the same little rules with them that adults had used in my life when I was little. Those little rules that I found so annoying, but they were just for my own good. As I had the girls inside to get them changed for the pool, I looked around the house. The same house that as a child seemed so big and magical to me now seemed to normal. It was just another house. But maybe it was the safety of the house. It was and is a safe place. Maybe that's all we are really looking for safety and reassurance. Because behind the things that stuck in life, is really just a sense of safety and reassurance. Maybe that's all everyone is looking for, just a little of it.