Hold on Tight

You know that bar in front of you when you're on a roller coaster that we seem to hold onto for dear life. It's almost like a safety blanket or the protective wall we put up. We hold on so tight when we are going up, coming down and being flipped upside down. But we tend to loosen our grip when we think the ride is leveling out for a while. 

I think that's when we need to hold on the most especially in life. But how do you decide when its okay to loosen the hold or make your walls a little thinner? Things change constantly and suddenly.  You may think all the twists and turns are gone but then there is a sudden flip that wasn't anticipated it came out of nowhere. So at what point do we decide that we feel safe enough to leave ourselves open to the unknown? How do we know we are truly strong enough for that? I know we will always need a sense of security because we always need a little something, a little reassurance. Maybe its just taking the risk and if you happen to get flipped upside down, you take things as they come. You know you will survive, you just might not be okay right away but eventually you will be. So do we continue to hold on tight forever? Or do we decide to loosen our grip and manage through the ups and downs?

At times it feels like I'm being pulled into a thousand directions. Its these times that I consider giving up and throwing in the towel. Its these times I think of just letting the MS or other unknown health condition win but I don't. I do take a step or two back though. Usually in this time I fall to pieces, cry and give into the unknown which is something I said I'd stop doing. I can't control the unknown.

I've been thinking lately I'm so much more than a person who has MS residing in her body. I'm more than a girl with MS because that's such a very small part of me, minuscule really. I thought removing that piece everything else would fall apart but I'm not so sure about that. I'm more than a girl with MS.  I'm a future educator. I'm a best friend. I'm someone who dreams of changing the world. I'm a mentor and a helping hand. I'm someone who enjoys bringing laughter to others even if its telling them a story of something I did that was ridiculously stupid. I'm all that and so much more.

MS or not, I'm still that person.

I found myself after I was diagnosed with MS. I want to say that to some extent I've always been happy in different areas of my life. It's just that my life always felt so like it was broken into pieces. I was happy in parts of my life but not my life as a whole. But after I was diagnosed, I felt this sense of relief to finally have answers. I was in denial at first but that passed and I was sad about the situation. Over a year after my diagnosis, I finally found that I was in a good place. I was happy with my life, school and for the most part my health. One day, one hour seemed to take that all away. I don't think I really lost myself but it feels that way. I think its more that I lost my sense of stability and certainty both of which I think were holding things together.

So now I'm trying to find myself without answers, trying to make sense of my life when there are unknown factors. I need to get myself back to that good place. I came to realization in June that:

 "I officially embarked on this journey one year ago today but I think I've really been on this journey my whole life. It's not a new journey or even a new story just a change or added chapter in my life." from http://mattersoflifeee.blogspot.com/2013/06/letting-go.html

I'm sticking with that realization now. This is merely a change or added chapter in my life, it's not a welcomed chapter or one that I would expect like the chapter where I meet a guy, fall in love, get married, or even have kids. This is an unwanted chapter but I know I will grow from this experience. I'm trying really hard to make it through this rough patch but not without help.

So ready? Picture this. You are nowhere close to being where you pictured yourself at this point in time but that's okay because you've become okay with where you are. Now picture being picked up by a claw like one of those claws in the game machines at the board walk. Imagine that claw taking you off the path you are on and going backwards one too many steps and dropping you there.

That's how I feel. I've been dropped back into a place I never wanted to be let alone a place I never expected to be again. I'm not even sure what to do but cry. So that's what I've been doing, lots and lots of crying. Everyone seems to want me to be happy about whats going on. And I want to be happy but I can't be happy about this because otherwise I feel crazy. Life was so much easier with answers.

When is enough....enough?

It's not my fault. That's what I keep trying to tell myself. It's not my fault that I can't get her to understand. It's not my fault that I can't get her to listen. But it hurts and it's hard. And you can't get someone to listen and take things in when she doesn't want to.

It's like situation after situation, she talks to everyone BUT me. She listens to everyone BUT me and thinks that what works for other people will work for me. There's one piece she is missing or ignoring. MS is NOT the same for everyone and not everything works for everyone. I'm so tired of trying to explain it. I want her to understand, I really do but I'm so over dealing with this. I really don't even feel like trying to get through to her anymore. I really don't even want to talk to her about it anymore. Maybe that's bad but I've tried, I've done what I could. It's going to have to be enough.

Turning Point

As I talk to others who are approaching their one year point since being diagnosed I've realized something. After I reached my one year mark everything changed. I stopped counting the days. When people ask me how long I've been diagnosed it has become a little over a year because I no longer know the exact number months like I once did. I turned a huge corner on the one year "anniversary" of my diagnosis. I know I'm no longer putting deadlines on being okay with MS. But I'm wondering if I really just needed to get through the one year mark to begin accepting and healing. Was my one year my turning point?

Day Two

Do you know what's funny? Walking into walks is kind of funny. I'm onto my second day of being dizzy..it's no fun at all.