I feel so all over the place, my thoughts are spread out all over the place and can't keep them straight. It's almost as if a tornado has ripped through my life, picking up my thoughts and sprinkling them everywhere leaving a trail of destruction and confusion.
I've tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted me to be. Long ago I realized I will never be the daughter you have dreamed up in your mind. No matter what I do nothing ever seems to be good enough for you and no matter what I'm always wrong. I filled my life with the choices you wanted me to make, they never quite did feel right. But I made them with the hopes that if I made those choices you'd want me, accept me, or love me. I never felt the love I needed from you.
I never did get what I needed from you and I've spent so much time blaming you for that, at least I think. I'm learning that it wasn't something you could give me but that's still hard to grasp. Mostly because I've watched you give my brother what you couldn't give me. How could you give to him and not to me? And now you are dangling wanting to be there in front of my face only to keep ripping it away. I'm not sure why I keep falling for this.
To make up for not having you, I got attached to other people in my life...trying to fill this void I have. And while yes it has helped a bit, it still hurts like hell that my own mother can't be there for me. Even more so it hurts because I don't want you there anymore. I'm done letting myself be hurt by you. I've been hurt enough, I have a lifetime of hurt and pain. I've been broken and feel broken in so many ways. I have all of these feelings yet I feel so extremely empty. Wishing I could hit the rewind button and step out of the tornado's path.
{{hugs}}
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