I just need some support...

Cause I was bored...so now I have a new background for my desktop. I love photoshop.

I'm trying really hard to start living for myself, having my own expectations and not trying to live up to the unbelievably impossible ones set in place by my parents. I'm trying to make some changes, which is hard for my because I absolutely hate change. So this is a good start right? It's kinda like a new start for me I guess you can say and it has nothing to do with New Year Resolutions. It's time to live for me.

The truth is...I miss you.

I think deep down I knew that adding a guy into the equation wasn't a good idea but I had to give it a shot right? But not that it didn't go well I'm at a loss emotionally. So do I try again, taking another risk? Or do I put it to the back burner once more?

I just really like this.

Sometimes I wonder how I got here to this place I'm at now. I honestly have no idea. I'm so unhappy and no one seems to understand. I hear "Well that's life" more and more from the people around me. "I don't have sympathy for you" is another I hear often. It makes me kind of mad, why ask how I've been feeling if you're just going to respond by saying something mean. Yes, right now I have periods of "hot flashes" followed by bursts of the "chills" and I understand that you have been dealing with hot flashes for a while now but just because I'm experiencing these things now doesn't mean I'm exempt from the real thing.

I'm just sick of everything....seems like a common theme in my life lately.

Basically, in the end, all it comes down to is...I want to be loved. Simple, right? I'm not so sure.

The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of doing something but you are having trouble then you can't remember what you were supposed to be doing. So you just sit there staring at the screen, trying to remember and getting so frustrated but no one understands. They say things to imply that you should just shake it off like everyone forgets stuff or I forget stuff all the time. I want to scream and say there's a difference between you and me, age. I hate when people that are way older than me tell me that its normal to forget stuff..yeah maybe for you but not me. I'm only 22 I don't want that to be my normal.

There are so many thoughts lately that have been running through my head. I try to think them all through but they come and go so fast that I don't have time. One thing I do know is how much of an emotional wreck I've been lately. Even now as I sit heRE and write this tears threaten to pour out of my eyes. They are just sitting there waiting. I feel like my life took a wrong turn somewhere, I'm just not sure where.

I've always wanted a happy ending but it seems like I may not get the one I've always pictured. I think that's what hurts the most. I keep reading book after book and there are these great happy endings. I think to myself I will never have that. At least it doesn't feel like I will ever have that. All I've ever really wanted was a happy ending but the farther I go, the less possible a happy ending seems.

I've always been a book person and i do mean ALWAYS. I would read books non stop when I was in elementary school just for fun and for prizes. When I reached middle school probably about 7th grade I started reading fiction books, you know the romance novel kind. I skipped right over the young adult fiction. I read about all these girls or women that were getting their happily ever after, their own happy endings. It all seemed so perfect and real. It all seemed so possible until lately that is. It doesn't seem so perfect or possible lately.  In fact, it doesn't seem possible at all.