Do You Know?

How you date after growing up with a dysfunctional family and being sick? I'm throwing this question out to the universe.

I'm really good at doctor's appointments and medical testing. Basically anything in the medical field. While going through all that I simultaneously dealt with my dysfunctional family and keeping my head above the water in school.

Okay so maybe there are three things I know well... the medical field, dysfunctional families and school. Honestly, none of these three things make for good small talk or conversation starters.

How do you date someone when you haven't really lived yourself? When you feel like you don't have much to offer. When you feel like there is so much about the world and life that you don't know. Is it just uncharted territory that you go through with someone else?

I don't have the slightest clue.

I've been on 4 first dates in the last couple of months, no second dates. Am I a bad kisser? Am I a bad conversationalist? Am I boring? What's the deal? I'd like to know. The cycle is only going to continue on like this. Because I mean one or two guys no biggie but 4 guys...that's got to be me not them. There's got to be something wrong with me. 

So maybe I'm a bad kisser but you don't get good after one date or one experience it takes a little time doesn't it? I don't have any experience. I spent most of my high school life in doctor's offices and hospitals not much time for a dating life. Maybe take the time to get to know me before you write me off. But that's the thing, my life, my background that's not something you break out and share on a first date or not even necessarily the second. Give me some time. Get to know me.

To answer my own question, I don't know if there's a way to date with my background but there has to be. Maybe I just need to live a little more, have more experiences that don't include doctors, schools or my dysfunctional family. But I'm already 25, I want to start experiencing life with someone else. I want to share my life with someone eventually, maybe not this year. Maybe this year is supposed to be about fun. But at some point down the road.

"I want a Mom"

"A mother is your first friend, your best friend, your forever friend." That's a quote I've see a lot. I don't have that mother. There were no tea parties, lunch dates, or mani/pedi days. No fun shopping trips, sharing secrets or laughter. She never painted my nails or went dress shopping for prom, school dances or graduation. No meaningful heart to heart talks about the new guy in my life, school, my health or my life in general.

She wasn't there when I got my period for the first time. Well technically she was but when I called for her she asked is it really important I knew in that moment, I wasn't that important. She wasn't there for what most people would consider big life moments. She didn't teach me about makeup, shaving or waxing/cleaning up my eyebrows.

I didn't  run to her when I was sick and scared of all the doctor's  appointments. There were no big, tight comforting "it'll be okay" hugs. I don't remember any "I love yous" or cuddling up on the couch when I was little. No just because movie days or teaching me how to cook or bake. 

For all intents and purposes I have a biological mother but I don't have a mom. At least it doesn't feel like it. In the past I've felt bad and even guilty for thinking and feeling this but this is how I feel I can't really change it. She couldn't and can't be what I need, she just isn't capable and I'm realizing that.

Coming to terms with that realization, I know it won't be my biological mother filling in these moments. Even still, I need and want a mom.  Someone who will give me one of those super tight squeeze you to death hugs when I'm upset or just because. Someone to confide in about my excitement and worries before a date. Someone who will give me advice on what to wear on said date and if what I picked out looks okay. Someone who will then sit and listen to the details of the date and tell me it's okay if he doesn't call that just means it wasn't meant to be. A mom who I can just sit with and talk to, who doesn't make it seem like being there with me is an inconvenience. 

A mom just to share time doing activities with, even if they are chores like prepping dinner or a new do it yourself project. Someone to tell me I'm being silly and overthinking a situation. Who will help guide me in the right direction but not get mad if I only take half of her guidance. Someone who is going to tell me she's proud of me, even when I make mistakes.

A mom who is going to tell me about her life experiences but isn't afraid to let me go and make my own mistakes even if they are the same ones she made. Someone to learn from, to laugh with and cry with. I want the bond. I want to feel loved, connected, wanted.

Working Through the Past

I want a relationship. I've always dreamed of meeting a guy, settling down, having a bunch of kids. It's what I've always wanted. Although I feel and think I'm ready for that relationship I think there is a part deep down that isn't.

Maybe it's because at 25 I still haven't really dated anyone. I haven't been in a relationship, I haven't had that intimacy. Ultimately, my hope is only to be intimate with the guy I end up with. Even though I don't want to be intimate with a ton of people, I think that's part of the problem. I'm not really sure how or why but deep down I know that's part of it.

The other part is that I want something that I don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle. I have so many ghosts and skeletons in my closet that I need to work through before I can think about being with someone. I'm hoping that therapy will help with that. I don't want to be scared to date, I want to be able to let myself open and be vulnerable to getting to know someone and letting them get to know me. I don't want to turn around and run from someone every time I think something might go somewhere serious.

Maybe I need to just casually date around like my friends suggested. Get to know guys but no strings and no intimacy. I'm not sure why yet but for some reason I'm so scared to let myself have what I truly want in a relationship. Maybe part of me feels like I don't deserve it but I mean I can't deny that the other part of me knows that I do. I've had enough people tell me that I do.

I'm going to do my best to work through the skeletons in my closet and focus on myself for right now so I can hopefully get to the place I feel I need to be in order to pursue the relationship that I so desperately want.

Working my Program

A couple of days ago I was given the ultimate gift, serenity and sanity. Last March, I started attending Al-Anon. I had reached my limit, my breaking point, with my parents. My therapist at the time had suggested Al-Anon and she had never steered me wrong in past. So I researched this Al-Anon thing, that she was talking about and decided to give it a shot. The last few months, I've been beginning to see changes in myself, good changes.

Last month, in my study groups we were working on Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." Around the time we started this step, I felt as though I could say I was powerless over alcohol but it was everything else that I knew I was powerless over that I had trouble admitted. I still cannot 100% admit that I'm powerless over it all but I'm taking baby steps.

This month started Step Two "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The last couple of weeks, I've been on this horrible roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Between dealing with my parents and my current health issues, things were definitely not going well. By this past Thursday night, I was ready to fall apart..the tears pooling in my eyes were oh so present. The insanity was really taking over and once again my life was becoming unmanageable and I had no idea what to do, so I went to a meeting. I was a little early but went in anyway. I was anxious, overwhelmed and seriously contemplating leaving the meeting early.

Today, I'm thanking God that I didn't leave. In the meeting people were discussing sanity and that the opposite of sanity is insanity. Boy was I feeling like I was at the right place at the moment, specially with the insanity that I felt was taking over my being. I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I came to the realization that I was creating my own insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and I was expecting things to be different. I was expecting my parents to listen, to understand, to suddenly get me. Somewhere between leaving that meeting and the next morning, I had opened myself up to my Higher Power things were different.

I was able to speak with my father calmly without getting emotional, I said what I had to say for me. Even if my dad wasn't really listening or understanding what I was saying, I got out what I needed to and this left me with a sense of peace. Later that night I came home to my parents fighting and while I got upset about it, I didn't feel like their fighting was my fault like I had so many times before.

I'm seeing progress in myself, slowly but surely I'm working and living my program. My reactions to the situations that keep popping up are changing and I'm feeling serenity afterwards. It's a really nice feeling. I'm so grateful to have the chance to work this program and ultimately having the chance to change. I'm so blessed for this gift, and the spiritual gifts to come.

From Relief to Overwhelmed

When I was diagnosed I gave myself a timeline of how long it should take me to be okay with having MS. I would say in a year from now everything will be fine and back to normal. I learned, although not fast enough, that somethings in life just can't be mapped out. I had to give myself all the time I needed and not rush myself through all the things I was feeling.

I realized the other day that I've gone back to setting timelines for certain aspects of my life, one in particular being my health. I have visits with my neurologist and my MS specialist every 4-6 months. When I saw the MS Specialist this past June, he referred me to a neuro-ophthalmologist. I had thought he had said if the neuro-ophthalmologist found anything that we would start looking at treatments. But after my most recent appointment with him last week that doesn't seem to be the case because although things were found he isn't ready to commit to the diagnosis of MS or put me on treatment. He wants to repeat the MRI in 6 months and then go from there. 

I've been using these 6 month periods as timelines thinking okay so after these 6 months we will look at medications. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized what I was doing that I'm able to stop myself. I'm learning to throw these timelines out the window because ultimately I have very little say in what happens 6 months from now as far as starting treatment is concerned. I think throwing away these timelines is going to be the only way to protect myself emotionally and ultimately protect my sanity. I think it might be the only way I'll be able to come out of my next 6 month appointment and be okay with not starting treatment should that be my doctors decision. 

At the end of my appointment last week I was so ready to throw in the towel and give up. I went in the span of a month from feeling an immense sense of relief to a place with an intense overwhelming confusion and fear. Instead of just throwing the towel, I paused. I went back and reread a post I wrote last month. Last month I wrote about the relief I felt and how glad I was that I didn't give up and that I fought for answers. Even though the overwhelming-ness is back, I'm looking forward to feeling that relief I felt last month once again. I'm not setting time limits, I'm hanging on and looking to God.

I'm learning I have no control over this situation it's within my doctor's hands and God's will for me. Here's to trying to give this situation over to God and not trying to take in back into my control. I'm so thankful for the support system that I do have helping me to get through this very tough situation.

I'm not sure if it was because I was numb (emotional) before, just not feeling anything, or if it was because I had myself surrounded by a fortress of thick brick walls. Whatever the case may be I want to go back to that, to not feeling or whatever protection I had built up around me.

Growing up in the alcoholic family that I did, I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut and my feelings inside. I learned that sharing those feelings or asking for something I needed emotionally, would only result in getting yelled at. I learned to stuff my feelings inside, hide the hurt and pain and act like everything was okay. Everything wasn't okay but I was dealing. I wasn't feeling but that was okay because I wasn't feeling the hurt.

Maybe it was the counseling and working through my diagnosis that broke down my walls. In order to work through my diagnosis I had to be able to feel my emotions. I had to be able to let myself get upset, cry, be angry, and the thousand other feelings I had as a result of my diagnosis.

Opening myself up to deal with the diagnosis, I think really meant opening up entirely. Not exactly something I realized at the time but I'm realizing that now. The memories, the feelings, and everything I needed that I had stuffed down deep inside was and is now free to come out. And boy did it come out or at least up. Everything I had stuff down, tried to forget and hidden is coming out. I'm feeling it all now. Honestly, it doesn't feel good at all, it feels horrible. I want it all to go away, stuff it back down inside. Maybe I'm not as ready to deal with all of this as I thought I was.

Scattered Pieces

I feel so all over the place, my thoughts are spread out all over the place and can't keep them straight. It's almost as if a tornado has ripped through my life, picking up my thoughts and sprinkling them everywhere leaving a trail of destruction and confusion.

I've tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted me to be. Long ago I realized I will never be the daughter you have dreamed up in your mind. No matter what I do nothing ever seems to be good enough for you and no matter what I'm always wrong. I filled my life with the choices you wanted me to make, they never quite did feel right. But I made them with the hopes that if I made those choices you'd want me, accept me, or love me. I never felt the love I needed from you.

I never did get what I needed from you and I've spent so much time blaming you for that, at least I think. I'm learning that it wasn't something you could give me but that's still hard to grasp. Mostly because I've watched you give my brother what you couldn't give me. How could you give to him and not to me? And now you are dangling wanting to be there in front of my face only to keep ripping it away. I'm not sure why I keep falling for this.

To make up for not having you, I got attached to other people in my life...trying to fill this void I have. And while yes it has helped a bit, it still hurts like hell that my own mother can't be there for me. Even more so it hurts because I don't want you there anymore. I'm done letting myself be hurt by you. I've been hurt enough, I have a lifetime of hurt and pain. I've been broken and feel broken in so many ways. I have all of these feelings yet I feel so extremely empty. Wishing I could hit the rewind button and step out of the tornado's path.

Stable

When you have MS, also known as Multiple Sclerosis, hearing that your MRI is stable is a good thing. At least it should be. But sometimes hearing that your MRI is stable can be just as hard as hearing that you have new lesions, sometimes harder.

This is one of the hardest roads I've ever been down. From the diagnosis of possible MS at 16, to the diagnosis of probable MS at 18, to the diagnosis of MS at 21 then being undiagnosed just before I turned 23. Then being told again that my diagnosis is probable MS six months later. It's definitely been a roller coaster ride.

It's hard when you are having symptoms with no reason why. They say its from the MS but the MRI's don't show anything new. It's hard, frustrating and drive you crazy. At least it's driving me crazy.

I'm at the point of not wanting to see doctors anymore. I guess it's a good thing that my neurologist set my next appointment for next December unless I have changes and/or new symptoms. It's been a hard road but I don't see it getting any easier. I don't want new lesions but I would like some answers. Answers would be nice.

Watch What You Say

I hear a lot oh you're so thin, you're so blessed. You're a size small, you're so lucky. I've heard these and many more comments made about my size. Yes I'm small and thin, it's a mixture of my body build and metabolism. I just really dislike when people bring up my weight or tell me that I need to gain weight or eat more. I eat, a lot. Yes at times I watch what I eat but it's mostly that I just want to eat healthy.

The thing is you never know what someone is struggling with. I could have an eating disorder or some other issue pertaining to my weight. That's the thing, you just don't know. I don't have an eating disorder or any other issue with my weight. But I do get bothered by comments that are made about my weight. I don't know why but I do. Maybe it's because I have trouble gaining weight and once I lose weight (unintentionally) it's very difficult for me to put it back on.

So I don't like the comments or remarks. You never know how something affects another individual. Sometimes it's meant as a compliment but honestly most of the time I don't feel blessed to be this thin. Be careful with what you say, you never know how your words can affect someone.

There's an Elephant in the ER

It's not a secret that my mom and I dont get along. We've never really seen eye to eye on anything and half the time I'm looking for her to grow up and pull herself together. Last Saturday my dad was admitted into the er for chest pains, tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. It was time for my mom to step up and be an adult which of course didn't happen. I believe my exact words to her were "It's time to put your big girl pants on". She was not to thrilled about that one. I cant remember if she told me to shut up or gave me the glare...but I kind of think it was both.

  As it got later I decided to leave because no one wants me on the road in the dark, I cant see anything.  Anyway thats not the point. My mom stayed with my dad till the doctor came in and then came home. After she left the hospital my dad called to let me know they were moving him out of the ER and onto another floor once they had a room. I relayed the message to my mother when she got home. Her response to me was why? Umm well heck if know, probably because they are keeping him overnight for observation and want him on the cardiovascular floor? But I didn't say that because I mean wouldn't any normal person either 1- come to that conclusion on their own or 2- call their husband? So I responded back with "Because there's an elephant in the ER".

Well I got the you're crazy look from her and she walked away. I smiled to myself and laughed. My counselor suggested I start giving ludicrous responses to the questions I felt were "like really? are you serious?" questions. Instead of getting frustrated and upset, I laughed. It actually felt good minus the fact that my dad was in the hospital. Here's to out of the world responses and trying not to get frustrated and upset anymore over my mother's silly comments. So thankful for having my counselor on my side.


**On a side note, my dad is home and doing well. 

Closure

Yesterday I went out with an old friend, whom I used to have really strong feelings for. Yes, I care for him now as a friend as I always have but I once cared for him on a deeper level. Yesterday, helped me to close a door that I once believed was available, the door to an "intimate" relationship with him. It also helped me to open the door to having a good and lasting friendship with him, I am so thankful for that. I'm looking forward to opportunities to meet new people and renewing this old friendship.

Tell Them

I didn't hear the good jobs or we are so proud of you growing up. At least not like my brother did. My parents must have known as some point that I was questioning why that was because I remember them telling me "Well you did good too but we expect it from you". I hear it now but not from them, but I hear it from people who matter to me. It just makes me feel good to know someone sees everything I'm doing and that I'm making someone proud of all I'm accomplishing because it hasn't been easy. I'll always take the time to tell all my (future) children that they are doing a good job and that I'm proud of them.

Take the time to tell your children or loved ones in your life that you're proud of them, it really does make a difference and a huge impact on them.

No Regrets

Deep down I've always dreamed of having that best friend, amazing mother and daughter relationship. You know that relationship where you can be open and honest, tell each other everything. But I don't have that with her and I say her because I don't think of her as a mother. I mean don't get me wrong for all intents and purposes she is a mother but she isn't a mom, at least not to me. That has nothing to do with the fact that we don't have the relationship that I wanted to have with her but everything to do with she wasn't a mom.

I've seen a lot of quotes along the lines of "You made me who I am today. And since there will never be words powerful enough to express my gratitude. I just thought I'd say thank you."  And tears spring to my eyes when I read quotes and sayings like that. We don't have that relationship. Our relationship is minimal. I am who I am because of me and the positive role models I've had in my life, not her. I wish I could say I want to be like her when I grow up but that's a lie. I hold my breath when someone says you are just like your mom because I've worked for what seems like my whole life to not be like her.

In my eyes she ultimately had the choice to have a relationship with me but that includes everything the good and the bad. She chose nothing. That hurts but I know it's not my fault because I've tried the best I could. I gave it all I had but I'm done trying.

I'm trying to let go of my expectations because ultimately they are hurting me more than anything else. It's just hard to let go of something you wanted but there's not realize to dwell on something that will never be. Here's to moving on and trying to live with no regrets.

Just Wishing

Sometimes I wish I was that girl you seem to see so clearly. The horrible, disrespectful, disobedient, and ungrateful person that you see me as. Sometimes I wish so badly that I could just go out, drink a ton of tequila, and get wasted. But once again that voice in my head stops me because I promised myself I wouldn't turn into you. Although I don't think your poison of choice was tequila. So I wouldn't be exactly like you. But you did like to turn to the bottle when things got rough.

I wish what you said didn't matter so much to me, I really do. I wish I knew how to turn it off. But I can't or at least don't know how. You say the stupidest stuff and have a way of throwing things back in my face that makes me not want to talk to you more. You're a bitch. Plain and simple. You just make me so mad. You think you have the right to criticize me, guess again you don't! Don't talk about my body and how I eat because you don't know. You're never around so how could you. You judge my every move and you wonder why I don't like being home.

I'm looking for a loop hole, wishing for a loop hole, or anything really for that matter. Anything that will get me out of here. I'll take anything at this point it really doesn't matter to me anymore. That's also because of you and probably because of me too. I've let you break me down to nothing. I've let you take my spirit and break it. I looking for something stupid, something for me to grab onto for control. Trying to find anything really, a way out, something for me to control. I just need something to get me through, wishing for a way to get through this.

I live through music, the words and lyrics more than often define me and what I'm going through.

My Top Six Songs (atm-in no particular order) are:

1. Get Out of This Town- Carrie Underwood
   Got it all figured out inside of my head
   There's a bag packed up at the foot of my bed
   You say the word, baby I'm all set
   We'll cover our tracks
   Tell a couple white lies
   Make sure we got a good alibi
   And by the time they catch on
   We'll be outta there sight
   Long gone baby
   
   
   
2. Not Your Cinderella- Payton Rae
   I don't know if I believe in love at first sight
   I think it might need just a little more time
   To grow and be real
   
   
   
3. Hide Your Matches - Julianne Hough
     'Cause I could spark like thin white paper wrapped tight 'round some cigarette
   And leave nothing but the smell of smoke and the bitter taste of regret
   Or I could get hot like them coals that turn the water into steam
   And fall down around you like some misty morning
   You better hide your matches boy
   
   
   
4. Reality- Kenny Chesney 
    Reality, yeah, sometimes life
   Ain't all that it's cracked up to be
   So let's take a chance and live this fantasy
   'Cause everybody needs to break free from reality
   
   
   
5. That's Where It Is- Carrie Underwood
   When we feel that rush, that's where it is
   It's a life time filled with tight embraces
   The biggest things in the smallest places
   
   
   
6. Life Is Good- Brittini Black