It's Healing even at 26

The experiences I've never had before that I'm really thankful for because they are healing. These are just a few. The hugs good night before bed and the how did you sleep in the morning when I'm staying with you guys.

Making the drive to comfort me when I'm sick. When I'm upset and or scared about a situation I'm going through. For the big tight hugs that are sometimes for just because. Showing me it's okay not to be perfect; that it's okay not to know everything. That it's okay not to know something, but that sometimes you just need to research a topic a little.

For showing me that being an adult doesn't mean that you have to be a perfect cook, that it's okay to burn and overcook food. That some recipes don't need exact measurements and sometimes you should just let life happen. It's okay not to know what I want, to change my mind, and then change my mind again.

For showing me it's okay to be scared, that we aren't going to be confident in every situation that we are put into. Thank you for not trying to change me and proving to me that I've lovable.

So when you guys make the joke "the kid" is hanging out with us on Friday night. And say we are old and boring, why are you hanging out with us? I usually laugh, you're not old and boring to me. That's why, there's so much you're showing me. I'm not sure you realize it but I'm learning from you. It's changing me and the messed up views I previously had of the world and of myself. 

But it's also the feeling of being safe, secure, and loved. That's how you guys make me feel. You opened up your home and family to me. You made me feel welcome and safe, that's something I truly appreciate.

Even though it's nice to just sit and watch tv. It's not what we are doing that matters, it's more the feeling that comes from it. It feels like home, it's not a feeling I've ever had before.

I know that when I show up at your door that there's going to be no judgement, no matter what I've done. Rather maybe a few weird looks, some hugs, maybe some tears on my part but you always reassure me that it's going to be okay. The things that used to seem like such a big deal before I'm realizing aren't. The world isn't going to end when I make a mistake.

Some may think that these are things you need when you are little and that when you're an adult you've outgrown them. But if you've never had these things, you need them. Heck even if you've had them growing up you could still need them. Some may say those are little silly details that don't mean much, but for me they mean a heck of a whole lot.

I've grown a lot in the last year. Some of it has just been having the freedom to grow as my own person. Some of it has been from the new experiences, they are healing and help to fill in the holes. It's like roots and wings. You are giving me the roots I never had earlier in life, to help me grow my wings.

Do You Know?

How you date after growing up with a dysfunctional family and being sick? I'm throwing this question out to the universe.

I'm really good at doctor's appointments and medical testing. Basically anything in the medical field. While going through all that I simultaneously dealt with my dysfunctional family and keeping my head above the water in school.

Okay so maybe there are three things I know well... the medical field, dysfunctional families and school. Honestly, none of these three things make for good small talk or conversation starters.

How do you date someone when you haven't really lived yourself? When you feel like you don't have much to offer. When you feel like there is so much about the world and life that you don't know. Is it just uncharted territory that you go through with someone else?

I don't have the slightest clue.

I've been on 4 first dates in the last couple of months, no second dates. Am I a bad kisser? Am I a bad conversationalist? Am I boring? What's the deal? I'd like to know. The cycle is only going to continue on like this. Because I mean one or two guys no biggie but 4 guys...that's got to be me not them. There's got to be something wrong with me. 

So maybe I'm a bad kisser but you don't get good after one date or one experience it takes a little time doesn't it? I don't have any experience. I spent most of my high school life in doctor's offices and hospitals not much time for a dating life. Maybe take the time to get to know me before you write me off. But that's the thing, my life, my background that's not something you break out and share on a first date or not even necessarily the second. Give me some time. Get to know me.

To answer my own question, I don't know if there's a way to date with my background but there has to be. Maybe I just need to live a little more, have more experiences that don't include doctors, schools or my dysfunctional family. But I'm already 25, I want to start experiencing life with someone else. I want to share my life with someone eventually, maybe not this year. Maybe this year is supposed to be about fun. But at some point down the road.

Water over Blood

People say that "blood is thicker than water" when referring to family and friends. But I wonder what makes blood better because in my case it isn't.

I've been thinking about the little things lately, the little things I've never had when it comes to the blood. Its the little things people take for granted. I have some of those things now and I'm a little scared to get used to them for the fear that they may disappear is strong. The support, hugs, and laughter. Sharing important moments with someone else.

Having a  safe place and person to run to when things get tough. The tight reassuring everything is going to be okay hugs. Never having to question whether I'm in inconvenience. Although I do slip frequently because I grew up as an inconvenience and it's hard to outgrow the thought that maybe not everyone views you that way. That some people actually want to be there for you, no strings attached.

I used to try to hide my fears and be a picture perfect person but perfection is over rated and my fears let me know I'm human. Isn't everyone? I have to say it's a lot more fun being imperfect than perfect. Mistakes give me room to grow and I know now I don't have to get everything right the first time around.

I'd take water over blood anyday, my friends who have become my family. The friends that love me unconditionally, no matter what choices I make. The friends I give my trust to and who have my trust in return.

Thank you for letting me be myself. For loving all of me including my flaws, mistakes, and imperfections.

Working my Program

A couple of days ago I was given the ultimate gift, serenity and sanity. Last March, I started attending Al-Anon. I had reached my limit, my breaking point, with my parents. My therapist at the time had suggested Al-Anon and she had never steered me wrong in past. So I researched this Al-Anon thing, that she was talking about and decided to give it a shot. The last few months, I've been beginning to see changes in myself, good changes.

Last month, in my study groups we were working on Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." Around the time we started this step, I felt as though I could say I was powerless over alcohol but it was everything else that I knew I was powerless over that I had trouble admitted. I still cannot 100% admit that I'm powerless over it all but I'm taking baby steps.

This month started Step Two "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The last couple of weeks, I've been on this horrible roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Between dealing with my parents and my current health issues, things were definitely not going well. By this past Thursday night, I was ready to fall apart..the tears pooling in my eyes were oh so present. The insanity was really taking over and once again my life was becoming unmanageable and I had no idea what to do, so I went to a meeting. I was a little early but went in anyway. I was anxious, overwhelmed and seriously contemplating leaving the meeting early.

Today, I'm thanking God that I didn't leave. In the meeting people were discussing sanity and that the opposite of sanity is insanity. Boy was I feeling like I was at the right place at the moment, specially with the insanity that I felt was taking over my being. I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I came to the realization that I was creating my own insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and I was expecting things to be different. I was expecting my parents to listen, to understand, to suddenly get me. Somewhere between leaving that meeting and the next morning, I had opened myself up to my Higher Power things were different.

I was able to speak with my father calmly without getting emotional, I said what I had to say for me. Even if my dad wasn't really listening or understanding what I was saying, I got out what I needed to and this left me with a sense of peace. Later that night I came home to my parents fighting and while I got upset about it, I didn't feel like their fighting was my fault like I had so many times before.

I'm seeing progress in myself, slowly but surely I'm working and living my program. My reactions to the situations that keep popping up are changing and I'm feeling serenity afterwards. It's a really nice feeling. I'm so grateful to have the chance to work this program and ultimately having the chance to change. I'm so blessed for this gift, and the spiritual gifts to come.

Quarter of a Century

On Wednesday, I turned 25 the world didn't stop spinning it didn't explode it was just like any other day. I've had this picture or vision of what my life would be like at 25 and honestly my life now is nothing like I imagined it to be. But that's my problem...I'm in visioning what I want for my life without taking into consideration what God already has planned for my life. I really have no say in it I'm just living his will for me.

At this point in time I'm not living the life I had expected to live but I'm living the life god wanted me to live. I'm walking the path he has chosen for me and trying not to question it too much. Here's to trying to live out god's will for me to the best of my ability.

From Relief to Overwhelmed

When I was diagnosed I gave myself a timeline of how long it should take me to be okay with having MS. I would say in a year from now everything will be fine and back to normal. I learned, although not fast enough, that somethings in life just can't be mapped out. I had to give myself all the time I needed and not rush myself through all the things I was feeling.

I realized the other day that I've gone back to setting timelines for certain aspects of my life, one in particular being my health. I have visits with my neurologist and my MS specialist every 4-6 months. When I saw the MS Specialist this past June, he referred me to a neuro-ophthalmologist. I had thought he had said if the neuro-ophthalmologist found anything that we would start looking at treatments. But after my most recent appointment with him last week that doesn't seem to be the case because although things were found he isn't ready to commit to the diagnosis of MS or put me on treatment. He wants to repeat the MRI in 6 months and then go from there. 

I've been using these 6 month periods as timelines thinking okay so after these 6 months we will look at medications. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized what I was doing that I'm able to stop myself. I'm learning to throw these timelines out the window because ultimately I have very little say in what happens 6 months from now as far as starting treatment is concerned. I think throwing away these timelines is going to be the only way to protect myself emotionally and ultimately protect my sanity. I think it might be the only way I'll be able to come out of my next 6 month appointment and be okay with not starting treatment should that be my doctors decision. 

At the end of my appointment last week I was so ready to throw in the towel and give up. I went in the span of a month from feeling an immense sense of relief to a place with an intense overwhelming confusion and fear. Instead of just throwing the towel, I paused. I went back and reread a post I wrote last month. Last month I wrote about the relief I felt and how glad I was that I didn't give up and that I fought for answers. Even though the overwhelming-ness is back, I'm looking forward to feeling that relief I felt last month once again. I'm not setting time limits, I'm hanging on and looking to God.

I'm learning I have no control over this situation it's within my doctor's hands and God's will for me. Here's to trying to give this situation over to God and not trying to take in back into my control. I'm so thankful for the support system that I do have helping me to get through this very tough situation.

Moving Forward

Tomorrow will be my last day working as the alumni assistant at my university. I have so many mixed emotions. Right now should be a really happy time, I'm going to be student teaching, finally getting my degree and graduating in May. I feel like I should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels. Even though I couldn't do a cartwheel if my life depended on it but you get the idea.

I'm sad to be leaving a job that I have truly grown to love and co-workers who I really enjoy working with. I think this sadness is stopping me from being excited about the new journey I'm about to embark on. It is going to be a really exciting journey, it's everything I've ever wanted for a really long time.

But I just have this overwhelming sadness sitting on my chest like a huge elephant or another significantly large animal. It's just hanging out there without an invitation. This position was never supposed to be a long term thing. I knew that going into it..it was always just something temporary but somewhere along the way I fell in love with it and what I was doing. Teaching it's something I've always wanted. It's the career I've always dreamed of. It's everything I've ever dreamed of and what I've worked so hard for. So why is this so hard?

I know eventually the excitement I know I should feel for this new chapter in my life will hit me. I'll be ecstatic and doing the cartwheels that I thought I should be doing. Right now I just need to let go and welcome my new beginning.

Bedroom Re-do

This past August I decided that I wanted to turn my bedroom into a calming relaxing space for myself. My room at the time was a tropical blue and while blue is one of my favorite colors this particular blue didn't scream relaxing. Yes it was pretty but it was more bright and in your face. Over the last year or two I fell in love with different shades of grey. Therefore, I decided why not go with grey. It's subtle and calming, at least that's how I feel when I see the color.

I chose a darker grey as the color for an accent wall and went with a lighter grey for the rest of the walls. I really love cherry blossoms and thought what fun it would be to stencil. I found the perfect shades of grey and cherry blossom stencil, so off I went to begin my new project!

For me there is just something so relaxing about painting or any kind of hands on craft project.

Check out the before and after pictures!

 I took down the frame, cork-board and shelf. I replaced it with a decorative accent wall. The branches are the color grey of the lighter walls and the flowers are a crisp white. To draw in accents, I painted mason jars the color of the lighter walls, added some burlap and vintage cherry blossoms to tie in the stencil.

 I cleaned up this wall by removing the shelves and the hairband storage thing (I really have no idea what to call it).

I moved the bookcase from this wall to the accent wall and the jewelry armoire moved the wall I showed previously. This really gives my room a more open feel and now I have a great open space to do yoga or sit and read.

I LOVE mason jars. I used them through out the room as accents. Some I painted the lighter grey I used on the walls and used them as vases. Others I decorated with glitter and used as a candle. At first I used tea lights but they were too hard to light so I found the fake candles and you cant tell the difference. Plus the jars don't get hot that way.


I'm loving my new calming and relaxing space!

Stable

When you have MS, also known as Multiple Sclerosis, hearing that your MRI is stable is a good thing. At least it should be. But sometimes hearing that your MRI is stable can be just as hard as hearing that you have new lesions, sometimes harder.

This is one of the hardest roads I've ever been down. From the diagnosis of possible MS at 16, to the diagnosis of probable MS at 18, to the diagnosis of MS at 21 then being undiagnosed just before I turned 23. Then being told again that my diagnosis is probable MS six months later. It's definitely been a roller coaster ride.

It's hard when you are having symptoms with no reason why. They say its from the MS but the MRI's don't show anything new. It's hard, frustrating and drive you crazy. At least it's driving me crazy.

I'm at the point of not wanting to see doctors anymore. I guess it's a good thing that my neurologist set my next appointment for next December unless I have changes and/or new symptoms. It's been a hard road but I don't see it getting any easier. I don't want new lesions but I would like some answers. Answers would be nice.

Living Imperfectly & Loving It!

Last October, I found myself in a dark place. Another twist was thrown into my journey, it was a new path I had to travel and it wasn't easy. On top of that I was trying to please everyone around me and do whatever I could to make them happy. Since then I've been in a bad place emotionally and mentally but today I can say that I'm in such a better place. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing, changed my thinking and started to think about/care for myself that things became better.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come but it has. I can honestly say that I love my life and I love where I am in my life right now. I'm genuinely happy and excited about life. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

I can't say that my life is perfect because it isn't but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm happy.

My hope for all of you is that you are happy, no matter where life takes you. Live your life for you and no one else. Live to make yourself happy.

Here's to living your life in a way that makes you smile!

 Trust me it feels good.

The Decision Is Yours

You have the choice to live the life you want, it's all in the decisions you make. I believe that you have no one but yourself to blame for the course your life takes.

Some may say or think that my actions are harsh and mean but I'm just protecting myself against the decisions someone else made. The non-existent relationship that I have with my mother is not my fault, it's hers because of the decisions she made. She made the decision to drink till she was drunk and slurring her words. No one forced her, no one forced the bottle into her hand and down her throat. She drove herself to the liquor store and she bought the alcohol herself. She made that decision. With that decision, she consequently made the decision to be less of a parent.

I remember being 13 freaking out because when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my underwear. I was scared, confused and I was unsure of what was going on. Finally, I realized that it was my period and that I had nothing to be worried about. But I also remember calling for my mom to ask her what was going on. I remember her brushing me off, yelling to me asking "Jess, is this important?" I said yes, then she asked if it was really important. I said no because in that moment I realized that the bottle was more important to her than I was.

I didn't make any of those decisions, yes I made some but mainly they were her decisions. I'm done beating myself up for something that is out of my control. I'm done beating myself up because of the decisions that someone else made. I can't undo it, I can't change it but I can move forward with my own life. I can make things better for myself.

Live to be Happy

This summer has been about living for me and doing things for ME. No matter how little, silly or simple those things might seem. Last week I bought a new lip "color" it's somewhere between a lipstick and a lip gloss. I'm in love with the color, it's something little like that, those little things make me happy.

As of Tuesday I'm on leave of absence from school for the fall semester. I didn't pass my Praxis so I can't student teach this fall but it's going to be okay. I'm going to pass the test and in the mean time I'm going to study my butt off and sub.

I've been doing a lot of growing and discovering who I am this summer. I'm even thinking of redoing my room...I'm really just thinking of changing the color to something calming and relaxing but it's something I'm doing for ME. I'm really loving the ME I'm discovering and uncovering. And all I'm doing is letting myself be myself. I'm no longer letting myself be defined by the person that everyone else wants me to be.

I think that's all anyone can ask of themselves. Be the person that you want to be, not the person the world wants and expects you to be. Live for you and to make yourself happy.

Accepting a Realization

I had an appointment with another MS specialist and he wasn't quick to say you definitely have MS or you definitely don't have MS. Both of which I thought it would be incredibly hard to hear. What he did say though was that he didn't want to throw out MS because I meet some of the criteria but not all of it. Those criteria including the lesions on my brain, my spinal tap abnormality and my symptom (even as non-specific). He said that MS cannot be ruled out because he can't say for sure that it won't turn into MS and he wants to be cautious with me because of my family history of MS.

I was scared as anything for this appointment. I tried my best to "back out", I even tried bribing my best friend who went with me to the appointment. I'm glad that she didn't cave in and that she was there to help me through it. I was scared to hear what he had to say, scared that he would dismiss me, and just plain scared in general. But leaving that appointment I didn't feel the wave of overwhelming emotion that I thought I would. I won't say I was in complete shock because in a way I kind of went in there expecting the worse but I was calm after my appointment. I didn't feel the need to cry afterwards like I had with my appointments with the other MS specialist. I thought I would breakdown if I had to leave one more doctors office with an unknown diagnosis or unknown cause of my symptoms. Maybe because this doctor is taking things seriously even though he hasn't diagnosed me. Maybe because he has recognized my symptoms and isn't just tossing them completely away. Maybe because he did recognize that something is going on. It could be all those reasons plus others. He did tell me to just go on living on my life.

I'm not going to lie that worried me a bit. I thought so he wants me to just go on living my life without being on a treatment and the only way I'm going to get a diagnosis is if there are more lesions on my next MRI or if I get worse. Then something in my mind changed, I stopped looking at the worst case scenario. I might never have more lesions on my MRI and I might never get worse. Two aspects that I didn't think to look at before because I was always trying to prepared myself for the worst. So while I could get worse which would probably lead me to a diagnosis, I could also stay the same and I've been living with these symptoms for so long what's the difference.

What I wasn't expecting was to feel good leaving his office and in an odd way I did feel good. Maybe I was just ready to accept that I might never have answers after months and months of working on it. I might owe that one to my counselor who helped me through it all. We worked hard on trying to get me back into the good place I was in before I heard the first MS specialist say "I'm not sure you have MS". Maybe it was this appointment along with all the work we did in counseling that helped me get back on track.

In the end I'm just happy that it happened because I do feel so good (even though I'm experiencing symptoms). I'm feeling more positive that I'm where I need to be, I'll move on with my life (keeping track of my symptoms) but I know that if anything does happen I have a great support system of doctors and individuals ready to help me.

“When everything seems like it’s falling apart that’s when God is putting things together just the way he wants it.”