Working my Program

A couple of days ago I was given the ultimate gift, serenity and sanity. Last March, I started attending Al-Anon. I had reached my limit, my breaking point, with my parents. My therapist at the time had suggested Al-Anon and she had never steered me wrong in past. So I researched this Al-Anon thing, that she was talking about and decided to give it a shot. The last few months, I've been beginning to see changes in myself, good changes.

Last month, in my study groups we were working on Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." Around the time we started this step, I felt as though I could say I was powerless over alcohol but it was everything else that I knew I was powerless over that I had trouble admitted. I still cannot 100% admit that I'm powerless over it all but I'm taking baby steps.

This month started Step Two "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The last couple of weeks, I've been on this horrible roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Between dealing with my parents and my current health issues, things were definitely not going well. By this past Thursday night, I was ready to fall apart..the tears pooling in my eyes were oh so present. The insanity was really taking over and once again my life was becoming unmanageable and I had no idea what to do, so I went to a meeting. I was a little early but went in anyway. I was anxious, overwhelmed and seriously contemplating leaving the meeting early.

Today, I'm thanking God that I didn't leave. In the meeting people were discussing sanity and that the opposite of sanity is insanity. Boy was I feeling like I was at the right place at the moment, specially with the insanity that I felt was taking over my being. I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I came to the realization that I was creating my own insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and I was expecting things to be different. I was expecting my parents to listen, to understand, to suddenly get me. Somewhere between leaving that meeting and the next morning, I had opened myself up to my Higher Power things were different.

I was able to speak with my father calmly without getting emotional, I said what I had to say for me. Even if my dad wasn't really listening or understanding what I was saying, I got out what I needed to and this left me with a sense of peace. Later that night I came home to my parents fighting and while I got upset about it, I didn't feel like their fighting was my fault like I had so many times before.

I'm seeing progress in myself, slowly but surely I'm working and living my program. My reactions to the situations that keep popping up are changing and I'm feeling serenity afterwards. It's a really nice feeling. I'm so grateful to have the chance to work this program and ultimately having the chance to change. I'm so blessed for this gift, and the spiritual gifts to come.

Two years ago this month, I walked into what at the time was a new doctors office to me. Little did I know that it wouldn't be the last specialists office that I would walk into. At the time, I thought this is it...this is the last doctor. I'm going to get off this medication and switch to something else.

Two years ago this month, I heard words that I never thought I would ever hear. "I'm almost 99.9% sure that you don't have MS...there's nothing I can do for you." Some may think well that's a good thing right? And I guess it would be if not for the symptoms I experience. Deep down I knew something was wrong and I was pretty sure that something was MS.

Since that day, I've lived in so much fear and anxiety. Fear that I would get worse before they figured things out. Fear that they might not figure out what was wrong with me. Fear that I would end up giving in to the unknown and once again give up my fight for a diagnosis. I struggled a lot with wanting to just pretend that things were okay. Pretend that I hadn't lost my vision for a short period of time. 

Two years ago, I was overwhelmed with the fear, anxiety and the roller-coaster of ups and downs that I had taken a seat on. I could have let that take over me but I didn't. Today I'm grateful that I didn't give up. I'm grateful that I sought out other doctors and that I listened to them. I'm grateful that they saw what that doctor didn't see. I'm grateful that they referred me to other doctors within the neurology specialty when they needed to.

If I had given up that day, I wouldn't have the relief I have today. Today, I'm not overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. Today, I'm full of relief, the relief of having answers. Two days ago, I saw yet another specialist. He confirmed what I think I deep down already knew. I have MS. I'm so grateful that I didn't give up and have answers.

To those of you out there still stuck and being pulled down in what seems like quicksand don't give up. I know things may be really hard right now, trust me I understand. I've been there more times than I would have liked. But I do know things will get better. They may not be better in an hour, a day, a week or even a month. I know we want situations fixed quickly but I've learned that unfortunately that's not always reality. . Yes, it took me two years to get here but if I had given in and given up. I'd still be sinking. Hang in there because some day the sand won't feel so thick and overwhelming-ness of the situation will be gone. Hang in there because trust me if you don't your going to be missing out on so much. Trust me, things will get better. Have faith.

There is no guidebook to accepting the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis or any other illness for that matter. There is no timeline to tell you do this now and accept it by this date. It's not a like a jug of milk that has an expiration date, there is no accept by date or else. But many say that you do go through the five stages of grief; denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not necessarily in order and you don't have to go through them all, it's kind of like you go through the stage without really realizing that you are in it. (At least that's how I saw it because it wasn't until I was through stages that I knew I was even in them.)

I went through the denial and isolation first, I jumped into finding the other specialists I needed to see for testing and researching medications. I didn't think about the diagnosis for a while. I had a checklist of things that needed to be done, that was something I could handle at that moment in time. So I found a neuropsychologist and then I found another because the appointment with the first one didn't go so well. I researched the medications. I wasn't up for stabbing myself deep in the muscle so the once a week medication was quickly off the table. I wasn't ready to go straight for a pill and it wasn't really offered, so the question became did I want to inject myself 3 times a week or every day? Well that one was easy 3 times a week, I thought that was something I could handle. These were all things I could do without directly facing my diagnosis, without really dealing with it, thinking about what I was feeling, or even ultimately having to talk about it.

I'm not sure what happened to the anger, bargaining and depression. I mean I was sad at times and upset with how things were but I don't think any of those really fit into the formerly mentioned stages. I went some how from months of denial and isolation, to be sad and upset, to somehow being somewhat okay with things. I didn't fully accept the diagnosis, but I accepted part of it. I think a lot of that had to do with all the work I did in therapy. The final straw that seemed to help me get over the "hump" was the balloon release "ceremony" I had on the day of my one year "anniversary" of my diagnosis; it was really therapeutic for me.

I'm looking back at all I did to help myself get through that hard time but I find myself sitting here and wondering what do I do now? Because there is no guidebook for this, there is no guidebook for this situation I am currently in. Part of me wants to face this head on, part of me wants to hide under a rock and part of me just wants to cry. I think the stages of grief maybe back in play. Because besides I'm crying all the time, I'm so mad, frustrated and confused. Looking back at the past few months, I see myself making my way through the anger stage. I feel as though I'm heading for denial and isolation because I don't want to deal with this, I want to make it go away or pretend like it's just not happening. Maybe that's because I don't know how to deal with it or maybe I just want to pretend that it isn't happening. It's just all really confusing and something I never saw myself having to go through. But I mean really when you are faced with a doctor telling you that they aren't sure you have MS after you've been diagnosed, how would you deal with it?