Working my Program

A couple of days ago I was given the ultimate gift, serenity and sanity. Last March, I started attending Al-Anon. I had reached my limit, my breaking point, with my parents. My therapist at the time had suggested Al-Anon and she had never steered me wrong in past. So I researched this Al-Anon thing, that she was talking about and decided to give it a shot. The last few months, I've been beginning to see changes in myself, good changes.

Last month, in my study groups we were working on Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." Around the time we started this step, I felt as though I could say I was powerless over alcohol but it was everything else that I knew I was powerless over that I had trouble admitted. I still cannot 100% admit that I'm powerless over it all but I'm taking baby steps.

This month started Step Two "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The last couple of weeks, I've been on this horrible roller-coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Between dealing with my parents and my current health issues, things were definitely not going well. By this past Thursday night, I was ready to fall apart..the tears pooling in my eyes were oh so present. The insanity was really taking over and once again my life was becoming unmanageable and I had no idea what to do, so I went to a meeting. I was a little early but went in anyway. I was anxious, overwhelmed and seriously contemplating leaving the meeting early.

Today, I'm thanking God that I didn't leave. In the meeting people were discussing sanity and that the opposite of sanity is insanity. Boy was I feeling like I was at the right place at the moment, specially with the insanity that I felt was taking over my being. I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I came to the realization that I was creating my own insanity. I was doing the same thing over and over again and I was expecting things to be different. I was expecting my parents to listen, to understand, to suddenly get me. Somewhere between leaving that meeting and the next morning, I had opened myself up to my Higher Power things were different.

I was able to speak with my father calmly without getting emotional, I said what I had to say for me. Even if my dad wasn't really listening or understanding what I was saying, I got out what I needed to and this left me with a sense of peace. Later that night I came home to my parents fighting and while I got upset about it, I didn't feel like their fighting was my fault like I had so many times before.

I'm seeing progress in myself, slowly but surely I'm working and living my program. My reactions to the situations that keep popping up are changing and I'm feeling serenity afterwards. It's a really nice feeling. I'm so grateful to have the chance to work this program and ultimately having the chance to change. I'm so blessed for this gift, and the spiritual gifts to come.

Eyes Wide Open

A couple weeks ago, I saw yet another specialist. That specialist confirmed once and for all that I have MS. Since then I've had this decision looming over my head. Did I want to go on an oral medication that has side effects that could possibly effect my stomach or an inject-able medication that someone told me had left dents in her legs? I've been going back and forth in my mind between the two medications.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stomach issues that I could possibly have from the oral medication because I already have enough stomach problems. Therefore, I had been leaning towards the inject-able medication, the side effects didn't seem awful..they actually seemed manageable. That was until my friend had told and showed me the dents that were left in her legs after the injections.

That little bit of information had me second guessing wanting to go on this medication. I couldn't help but think I don't want dents in my legs, no guy is ever going to want me with those dents, and the various other thoughts that filled my mind. The thoughts were so superficial, I was so worried about my appearance that I had forgotten about all the other parts of myself.

Today, my eyes were opened. I was shopping at Kohl's and there was this little girl sitting in cart, she couldn't of been more than four years old. She seemed like she was having a really good time with her mom. I looked up from the clothes rack and the little girl looked at me and said "You're gorgeous". Those two words coming out of the mouth of this little girl blew me away. A few minutes later, she looked at me again and said "I love your hair".

It might sound silly to you but to me it felt like God was speaking through this little girl. I'd been struggling with the decision to go on a medication that could alter my appearance in some way. But that little girl opened my eyes today, her words brought me to the realization that appearance really doesn't matter. Yes, it felt good to hear her say that "I'm gorgeous" but I feel like she saw more than just my outer ward appearance...I feel like she saw my soul.

I never talk about myself like this because I really don't have a ton of self confidence but she gave me confidence. She made me see myself in another light. It was a truly beautiful and eye opening experience for me. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason that we were both in that store, in the same department at the same time.

I'm seeing myself just a little through her eyes, trying to see what it is that she saw that God so desperately wanted me to see. She may never realize the impact she had on me but she made such a difference in my life today. My wish for that little girl is that she will grow up to see herself through the same set of eyes that she saw me in. I feel truly blessed that God chose that moment to show me not only the way but a little bit of myself through this beautiful, innocent little girl.