I'm not sure if it was because I was numb (emotional) before, just not feeling anything, or if it was because I had myself surrounded by a fortress of thick brick walls. Whatever the case may be I want to go back to that, to not feeling or whatever protection I had built up around me.

Growing up in the alcoholic family that I did, I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut and my feelings inside. I learned that sharing those feelings or asking for something I needed emotionally, would only result in getting yelled at. I learned to stuff my feelings inside, hide the hurt and pain and act like everything was okay. Everything wasn't okay but I was dealing. I wasn't feeling but that was okay because I wasn't feeling the hurt.

Maybe it was the counseling and working through my diagnosis that broke down my walls. In order to work through my diagnosis I had to be able to feel my emotions. I had to be able to let myself get upset, cry, be angry, and the thousand other feelings I had as a result of my diagnosis.

Opening myself up to deal with the diagnosis, I think really meant opening up entirely. Not exactly something I realized at the time but I'm realizing that now. The memories, the feelings, and everything I needed that I had stuffed down deep inside was and is now free to come out. And boy did it come out or at least up. Everything I had stuff down, tried to forget and hidden is coming out. I'm feeling it all now. Honestly, it doesn't feel good at all, it feels horrible. I want it all to go away, stuff it back down inside. Maybe I'm not as ready to deal with all of this as I thought I was.

There is no guidebook to accepting the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis or any other illness for that matter. There is no timeline to tell you do this now and accept it by this date. It's not a like a jug of milk that has an expiration date, there is no accept by date or else. But many say that you do go through the five stages of grief; denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not necessarily in order and you don't have to go through them all, it's kind of like you go through the stage without really realizing that you are in it. (At least that's how I saw it because it wasn't until I was through stages that I knew I was even in them.)

I went through the denial and isolation first, I jumped into finding the other specialists I needed to see for testing and researching medications. I didn't think about the diagnosis for a while. I had a checklist of things that needed to be done, that was something I could handle at that moment in time. So I found a neuropsychologist and then I found another because the appointment with the first one didn't go so well. I researched the medications. I wasn't up for stabbing myself deep in the muscle so the once a week medication was quickly off the table. I wasn't ready to go straight for a pill and it wasn't really offered, so the question became did I want to inject myself 3 times a week or every day? Well that one was easy 3 times a week, I thought that was something I could handle. These were all things I could do without directly facing my diagnosis, without really dealing with it, thinking about what I was feeling, or even ultimately having to talk about it.

I'm not sure what happened to the anger, bargaining and depression. I mean I was sad at times and upset with how things were but I don't think any of those really fit into the formerly mentioned stages. I went some how from months of denial and isolation, to be sad and upset, to somehow being somewhat okay with things. I didn't fully accept the diagnosis, but I accepted part of it. I think a lot of that had to do with all the work I did in therapy. The final straw that seemed to help me get over the "hump" was the balloon release "ceremony" I had on the day of my one year "anniversary" of my diagnosis; it was really therapeutic for me.

I'm looking back at all I did to help myself get through that hard time but I find myself sitting here and wondering what do I do now? Because there is no guidebook for this, there is no guidebook for this situation I am currently in. Part of me wants to face this head on, part of me wants to hide under a rock and part of me just wants to cry. I think the stages of grief maybe back in play. Because besides I'm crying all the time, I'm so mad, frustrated and confused. Looking back at the past few months, I see myself making my way through the anger stage. I feel as though I'm heading for denial and isolation because I don't want to deal with this, I want to make it go away or pretend like it's just not happening. Maybe that's because I don't know how to deal with it or maybe I just want to pretend that it isn't happening. It's just all really confusing and something I never saw myself having to go through. But I mean really when you are faced with a doctor telling you that they aren't sure you have MS after you've been diagnosed, how would you deal with it?