She didn't have to be

I had a great time this past Sunday, it's been a while since I've been able to say that. I dreaded going to look for a graduation dress. I mean yeah I was looking forward to it...I really couldn't wait to find a dress. What I could wait for was the dreaded feeling of having to go through another important step of my life alone. Okay so maybe you are thinking it's just a graduation dress but it's something that means a lot to me. I felt like I deserved a good experience and I was so sad that I was going to go through this experience alone.

Last Friday night I was at an al-anon meeting and our topic was "self pity". I spoke of how I do self pity really well and how earlier that day I was going through the why me's but that I was just going to keep working the program and let it work me. Well one of the women and I were talking after the meeting and she asked me why I was doing the why me's earlier that day. I told her, I'm graduating from college in May and that this time should be a happy time in my life but I'm going through all of these experiences alone. I explained how I just got my shoes for graduation and now I have to get my dress but I have to go through that all alone. What she said next totally caught me by surprise, she offered to go with me. I surprised myself and took her up on her offer.

On Sunday, I found myself at Kohl's shopping with my new friend. It was an amazing experience, we surprisingly had similar tastes and it was just so much fun. We'd pull a dress off the rack, we wouldn't be too sure about it but we'd pull it anyway for me to try. I did a "fashion show" of dresses as my friend said. I laughed, like really laughed and had fun. There was no stress, just fun, laughter and I just really enjoyed myself. I'm so thankful for the wonderful memory of that day and so grateful to the woman who joined me. She didn't have to go with me, she didn't have to offer but she chose to. That offer meant and means so much to me. I did find my dress and I spent the rest of my day smiling because I truly enjoyed myself. Thank you to the woman who was there when she didn't have to be.

Then I was at a meeting tonight and she was there as well she said something else that surprised me. The day before she asked me about how my doctor's appointment had gone, well let's put it this way it hadn't gone well. In our conversation the day before she asked if someone had gone to my eye doctor appointment with me. I said no, that I normally go to doctor's appointments on my own, that's just how it goes. Anyway, I was talking with her and another woman after the meeting and she turned to me and said "I just wanted to you know you can call me when you have a doctor's appointment. Just let me know the day/time/place and I'll go with you if I can." The other woman jumped in too, "Jess, you can call either of us just let us know when and where, we'll be there if we can." Tears filled my eyes. Neither of them have to be there for me and it means so much to me that they want to be there.

Stable

When you have MS, also known as Multiple Sclerosis, hearing that your MRI is stable is a good thing. At least it should be. But sometimes hearing that your MRI is stable can be just as hard as hearing that you have new lesions, sometimes harder.

This is one of the hardest roads I've ever been down. From the diagnosis of possible MS at 16, to the diagnosis of probable MS at 18, to the diagnosis of MS at 21 then being undiagnosed just before I turned 23. Then being told again that my diagnosis is probable MS six months later. It's definitely been a roller coaster ride.

It's hard when you are having symptoms with no reason why. They say its from the MS but the MRI's don't show anything new. It's hard, frustrating and drive you crazy. At least it's driving me crazy.

I'm at the point of not wanting to see doctors anymore. I guess it's a good thing that my neurologist set my next appointment for next December unless I have changes and/or new symptoms. It's been a hard road but I don't see it getting any easier. I don't want new lesions but I would like some answers. Answers would be nice.

I'm overwhelmed, really overwhelmed. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I'm not even sure I want to go but I feel like I have to. I feel like I owe this to myself. I feel like I owe it to myself not to give up.

But in doing that I think I'm hurting myself. Going through this is killing me. I have so many thoughts running through my head I can't sort them out. I'm upset and making absolutely no sense.

What do you do when what you feel you need to do, is ultimately the thing that has the most power to destroy you? But at the same time how do you not go through with this? How do you stop fighting for answers that will help you health-wise?